


A Breath of Fresh Air

by Jerry_Styloff (Rockbeatspaper)



Category: Hazoff, Styloff
Genre: Anal Play, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Fluff, M/M, NSFW
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-07
Updated: 2014-08-18
Packaged: 2018-02-07 21:35:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 46,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1914636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rockbeatspaper/pseuds/Jerry_Styloff
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things aren’t going well for Harry in his relationship.  He meets someone who shows him how easy it can be, if he can just let himself be free.</p><p>**This is kind of canon-compliant.  A lot of assumptions are made, especially about the main characters’ sexuality.  If you like Louis, you probably aren’t going to like this fic**</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. July 2013

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hershelandjerome](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=hershelandjerome), [hazoffblog](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=hazoffblog), [styloff](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=styloff), [And several others I can't name ; )](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=And+several+others+I+can%27t+name+%3B+%29).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Said I had a dirty mouth.."

“Harry, it’s going to be okay.  I’ve worked with Irving before.  He’s good people.”

 

“Yeah.  I just think there has to be a better way to do things, Cal, you know?”

 

“I promise you, he will be able to help.”

 

The car pulled up to the mansion in the Holmby Hills area of Los Angeles.  They had managed to sneak away from the event in a blacked out car.  No one had followed them; they made sure of that before they even got close to the house.  The A’s family home was huge.  Harry was impressed with the security and privacy.  He had a hard time sleeping at night when he didn’t feel safe, so it was always one of the first things he noticed.

 

Irving himself met them at the door.  He was a small, kind-looking, middle-aged man.  Harry liked him immediately.  He had always been told he was a good judge of character.

 

“Harry!  How nice to meet you.  Cal has told me so much about you.  Please – come in.”

 

They entered the home into a grand hallway.  Harry looked around.  There was art everywhere; it was an eclectic mix of classic and new.  Paintings he was sure were originals were mixed in with framed music albums.  He was also sure he saw some art by one of his favourite artists, Hayden Kays.  He started to relax.

 

“Don’t worry about your shoes, we’re going to the back yard anyway.  It’s such a beautiful evening.  Who am I kidding – it’s California, it’s always beautiful!” chuckled Irving as they moved through the home.

 

The hallway led to the back of the home, and they stepped out into a lush retreat.  Fountains and greenery surrounded a pool.  Beyond the pool was a lounge area, complete with bar.  Three people were already sitting in the area, relaxing and laughing with each other.

 

“Harry – this is my wife, Shelli, my youngest son, Cameron, and my other son, Jeff.”

 

Harry shook hands with all three as Cal gave Shelli a hug and a peck on the cheek.

 

“It’s lovely to meet you, Harry.  Would you like something to drink?”

 

“Umm, yes please, Mrs. A.  Do you have tea?  Or some water?”

 

“Oh, Harry, please call me Shelli.  I’ll pop into the house and get you some tea.  Is Earl Grey alright?”

 

“Yes, thank you.”

 

“Cam – come with me.  Your dad, Jeff and Harry have some business to discuss.  We’ll get some dessert ready for later.”  The two left for the house, Cameron reluctantly trailing after his mother.

 

Irving said, “Harry, please sit.  Cal tells me that you’re having some issues with how you are being managed?  He thought I might be able to give you some advice.”  Irving leaned forward and clasped his hands in front of him.

 

Harry wasn’t quite sure how to start.  How could he explain?  How much could he tell them?  He looked at Irving, then at Jeff.  Jeff’s body language was echoing his father’s.  He had a small smile on his face – Harry hadn’t noticed at first how nice his eyes were, but Jeff had very kind eyes, just like his father.  He looked at Cal, who gave him a small nod of encouragement.

 

“Well, I don’t really know where to start, sir.  I know that you and Mr. Griffiths are close.  I don’t want to cause any tension.”

 

“Don’t be ridiculous.  I have known that Richie Griffiths was old school for years.  He hasn’t realized that even the techniques that were used in the 2000’s don’t work for managing groups any more.  Just because we’re friendly, that doesn’t mean I agree with his business practices.  Speaking of that, I understand from the gossip mill that you and one of your bandmates are in a relationship?”  Irving stopped and looked expectantly at Harry.

 

Harry froze.  Cal shook his head in an it-wasn’t-me motion.  Jeff shifted uncomfortably.

 

“Ummm… yeah.  I guess so.  Sorry – I am not used to talking about this with anyone really.  People don’t usually bring it up, either.  I guess that’s because we’re usually with our handlers.”  He laughed uncomfortably.

 

“Harry?  Let me tell you something.  I’ve worked here in Hollywood for longer than you’ve been alive.  Hell, I’ve been working for almost longer than Cal has been alive.  I’ve seen it all.  You would not believe the amount of people who are in the closet.  Who’ve been in the closet for decades.  I can help you – whether you want me to help you stay closeted, or if you’re looking for a way out.”  He smiled reassuringly.

 

Harry started to relax.  “I mean, there are people coming out all the time now, right?  It’s not as big a deal as it used to be.  It’s that we started with the closet so long ago, that I’m scared of what will happen if we come out now.  It’s not the being gay that scares me… it’s the lies we’ve made over the years.”

 

Cal put a hand on his knee, “But you haven’t really lied, Harry.  And I don’t think anyone would hold you responsible with what you had to do.”

 

“But that’s just it, Cal.  There’s Eleanor, there’s all the girls I’ve ‘dated’.  It doesn’t matter if they weren’t real relationships.  People are going to be hurt and upset that they were fooled.  I know I would be.”

 

Irving caught Harry’s attention.  “Harry?  Maybe there’s a way we can make it better.  If you want to, or have to, keep this act up… maybe I can help.”

 

“That’s just the thing.  I don’t know if anyone can help.  Louis is being pressured to propose to Eleanor because that’s what people expect from their relationship.  A proposal!  I already get pains when I have to see them go on ‘dates’… I don’t know how I’ll handle having to hear about her if they are engaged.  Besides… Louis and I are already engaged, where’s our fan support?  Where’s our celebration?  Why can’t we see people be happy for us?  I just don’t think I can handle it.  They’re also going to expect me to start dating someone when we go on our tour break.  If I have to date another girl like Taylor and go through that shit show all over again… “  He trailed off,  took a deep breath, and looked down at his hands.  He was so very tired.  Tired of the lies, tired of the hiding.  But he wasn’t going to cry again – not in front of people he only just met.

 

Harry looked up to find Jeff staring at him.  He couldn’t read his expression; he’d gotten good at reading people, so he found himself a little off balance under the gaze of this quiet, young man.  It was enough to snap him out of his melancholy.  Jeff smiled, as if he could tell what Harry was thinking.   It made Harry feel a little better.  It was enough.  He gathered himself up.

 

“Sorry.  I am just feeling overwhelmed.  What would you suggest?”

 

Irving gave him a patient smile.  “Well, for starters, I think you need a safe place to be.  The British tabs are ruthless.  We’ve found ways to deal with them out here.  If you spend time in LA, you wouldn’t be the most exotic animal in the zoo.  There are so many celebrities here that one more isn’t a big deal.  We have a large home here, as well as several other properties we keep for people like yourself who are visiting for an extended period of time.  I also have several music connections that I think can help you hone your craft.  If you would like that.”

 

“It all sounds wonderful, but I just don’t understand.  Why would you help me?”

 

“Well, Harry.  For a variety of reasons; some business, some personal.  From a business perspective, I think we can help each other.  Would you be alright with publicly attending some events with or for some of my other clients?  I promise it will be very low key, with minimal effort from you.”

 

“Yeah, I think I can do that.  But I still can’t see what you would be getting out of it.  I’m not that much of a prize.”  Harry snorted and smiled wryly.

 

Irving smiled again.  “Well, we shall see.  Cal’s an old friend, and he’s helped me out a few times before.  He’s been concerned about you for a while now, and that’s reason enough for me to help.”

 

Cal put his hand on Harry’s shoulder.  He took a lot of shit from the fans, but he was one of the people Harry trusted the most.  He was also one of the few people Harry felt was looking out for his best interests.  Cal had been there through a lot.

 

“I understand you’re back in LA in a few weeks for the TCA’s?  Would you like to come over one night that week to spend some time with us?  You can get to know us all in a relaxed atmosphere.”

 

“Yeah.  I’d like that.”  He suddenly felt better than he had in weeks.  Maybe this really would work out.

 

He looked back at Jeff.  Jeff was smiling, too.  Harry had always had friends that were older than him.  He estimated Jeff at somewhere in his mid to late twenties.  It would be good to have other people he could spend time with if he was going to be in LA more often.

 

They all sat and talked for a while longer.  Again, it occurred to Harry that it was the most relaxed he’d been in ages.  Irving told them stories of some of the bands he’d worked with when he was younger.  Cal and Jeff started talking about the LA Kings and their prospects for the upcoming year.  They all had a good natured laugh at Harry’s lack of hockey knowledge.  Irving volunteered Jeff to take him to a hockey game in the fall.

 

Finally, it was time to leave.  Harry found himself surprised that he really didn’t want to go.  The As reminded him of his own family with the easy way they all interacted.   He missed his family so much sometimes.

 

Irving shook his hand, “Harry, it was a pleasure meeting you.  Cal had sung your praises so often I thought he had to be lying.  He was actually showing great restraint!”  Harry blushed.

 

“Looking forward to working with you,” Jeff said as he shook his hand on the way out.  For the first time all night, Harry found himself feeling a little unsure.  They smiled at each other as he and Cal walked out the door.

 

Cal was quiet as they drove back to the Aurand residence.  He knew Harry well enough by now to know when Harry needed his space.

 

“Cal?”

 

“Yeah, Harry?”

 

“Thank you.”

 

Cal smiled.


	2. August 2013

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "No I'm not. Yes you are"

“Lou, you know it’s just one night.”

 

“But I’ve never met these people.  How do I know they aren’t doing this to take advantage of you?”

 

Harry kept stuffing clothes into his overnight bag.  He left the bedroom to get his toiletries from their hotel bathroom.

 

“There’s a really nice family.  Cal likes them.  And I need to feel like we’re doing something to get out of this situation, you know?”

 

“But Hazza… you know I need you here for me.”

 

“You’ve got your stuff to do, too.”  Harry reentered the bedroom and gave Louis a pained smile.  He actually quite liked Eleanor; he just didn’t like anyone touching his Louis.

 

“Ugh, I know.  Another beard parade!  We’ve got a pap walk planned in The Grove, and we’re stopping by…”  Louis trailed off.

 

Harry paused his packing.  He knew by now when Louis was trying to hide something from him.  “You’re stopping by…?”

 

“It’s nothing.  Not a big deal.  I just want you to be here for me when I get home.  I just hate even touching her now.”  He made a melodramatic shiver, trying to get a smile out of Harry.

 

It worked.  Harry smiled his special Louis smile, “No, you’re not changing the topic that easily.  Where are you stopping?  I want to know.”

 

Louis hesitated.  Ooh, this is bad, thought Harry.  He stopped what he was doing and sat down on the bed.  He knew he could wait Louis out for as long as he needed to.  Harry watched him expectantly.

 

“Well, um, you know… we’re going to The Grove to shop together and be seen.  And we’re stopping by… a jewelry store.”

 

“Pardon?”

 

“Haz, you know it means nothing.  It’s just to get the fans talking.  Promo for the movie and all that.”

 

Harry was quiet for a long moment.  When he started, his tone was cold, “A jewelry store?  A jewelry store!  As in a place where one might by an engagement ring?  Are you fucking kidding me?”  Louis knew he was upset, as Harry hardly ever swore unless he was really angry.

 

“Well, someone has to do something!  This is all the promo we seem to do any more.  I mean, hell, Zayn’s ‘marrying’ Perrie!  I thought he could use some moral support.”  Humour usually worked for Louis in these situations.

 

“Oh, don’t fucking be like that!  I’m not talking about Zayn.  I’m talking about us.  We’ve been ‘engaged’ forever.  We’ve talked about this scenario before.  There is no way you are ever even going to pretend to be marrying Eleanor!”

 

“But Hazza…”

 

“Please don’t ‘Hazza’ me right now.  I can’t handle it.”  The weeks of concerts and Teen Choice Awards and interviews they were doing leading up to the movie release were taking their toll.  Harry put his head in his hands.

 

Louis sat down next to him and ran his hand up Harry’s back.  “Baby, come on.  Of course I’m not going to marry her.”

 

Harry spoke through his hands, “So you’re not going to go to ring shopping with her?”

 

“Well… it doesn’t hurt anything if people just see us in there, right?”

 

Harry took his hands away from his face and looked Louis straight in the eye.  “If you think that it won’t hurt me to see pictures of you looking at rings… with her… I don’t know what more to say.”

 

He got up, grabbed his bag, and left.

 

X-X

 

He had a chance to cool off on his way to the A’s.  It wasn’t their fault he was fed up.  It wasn’t even Louis’ fault.  It had just gone on too long and was getting too intense.  He pulled the car over and sent a text to Louis, “Really sorry, babe.  I’m just tired.  Talk 2mrow mrng?  ILY – Haz”

 

He felt a little better after doing that.  He’d call and have some flowers sent to Louis in the morning.  Louis liked those sappy gestures.  They couldn’t do it often, but at least the hotel room wasn’t in their names.  No one on their teams questioned Harry’s love for flowers.  Harry’s secret was that he didn’t love flowers so much; he loved that Louis loved flowers.

 

He pulled up the drive of the A family home.  He was right on time for supper.

 

He was a little surprised when Jeff answered the door, “Hey, man!  Good to see you!  Glad you could make it.”

 

“Um, yeah.  It’s nice to be here.  Here - this is for your mom.  I picked it up from a little shop I found.  It’s kosher.”  He handed Jeff the bottle of wine.  He wasn’t much of a drinker, but his mom had always raised him to be a good guest.

 

“This is great!  We love a good wine.  And kosher, too!  Come on in.  Would you like to see your room?”

 

“Yeah!  That’d be nice.  I’ve got all this luggage.”  He gestured to his one bag.  He cringed inwardly.  Sometimes people didn’t get his humour.

 

Jeff just laughed, but Harry wasn’t sure if it was a real laugh or if he was just being nice.  They went upstairs to a lovely guest room.

 

Jeff pointed to a door along one wall of the room, “There’s a bathroom in there.  If you need anything, feel free to poke around, or just ask.  You want a few minutes to get settled?”

 

“Sure.  I’ll just freshen up in the powder room.”

 

Jeff smiled, “Great.  We’re all out back.  Come down and join us when you’re ready.”

 

After Jeff left, Harry checked out the bathroom, and put some water on his face.  He pulled his phone out of his pocket.  No messages from Louis.  There was a text from his mom, so he sent her a quick note back to say he was doing well.  She still worried about him.  She would probably worry more if she knew everything that was happening lately.

 

He found his way back downstairs and out to the back yard.

 

“Harry!  Good to see you again, dear!”  Shelli came right over and gave him a hug.  Harry didn’t mind.  He was always a hugger.

 

Irving shook his hand.  “We’re just having a casual bar-b-que tonight.  I hope that’s alright.  I forgot to ask if you have any allergies?”

 

“No, I don’t.  And thanks very much for having me.”

 

“It’s our pleasure.  You remember Cameron, yes?”

 

“Yes, of course.  How’s everyone doing?”  He stayed standing and turned awkwardly at everyone.

 

“Relax, Harry.  You’re not on stage.  You’re also not in a bar – can I offer you a beer?”

 

The night went very well from then on.  Harry was surprised once again at how comfortable he felt.  They were all so kind to each other, and to him.  He realized that he didn’t have to pretend around them either.  There were no cameras, no fans, and no possibility he would be caught on film.  He finally allowed himself to breathe easily and just enjoy being around people.

 

He reluctantly said goodnight around midnight and went back to his guest room.

 

Still nothing from Louis.  Harry sighed and tried to go to sleep.

 

X-X

 

The following morning, Harry wandered downstairs as the sun was coming up.  He was surprised to find a man in the kitchen.

 

“Oh!  You must be Harry Styles.  I’m the A’s chef.  I’m just getting things ready for the day.  Can I make you anything?”

 

“Um, maybe a coffee?  Or an orange juice?”

 

“I can do both.  Would you like anything in your coffee?”

 

“Just black, please.”  He smiled at the man and took his drinks out to the patio area.

 

He found that since he had become famous, he really missed being outdoors.  There were so few times he could get out and be alone.  He placed his drinks on the coffee table and sat in one of the padded patio chairs.  He closed his eyes and listened to the sounds of the birds in the trees.  Tears of relief began to prick his eyes.  He had definitely needed a break from everything.

 

Suddenly, a splash jolted him awake.  He hadn’t even realized he’d been dozing.   He turned to look at the pool.

 

Jeff was doing laps.  Harry just watched him for a while.  He always felt like people were watching him, so it was refreshing to watch someone else for a change.  After a few minutes, he felt uncomfortable that Jeff didn’t know he was there, so he stood up with his coffee and orange juice and walked over to the pool.

 

Jeff stopped along the end of the pool and propped himself up on the edge by his arms.

 

“Double fisting this morning?”

 

“Well I am a rock star.  Double fisting first thing in the morning is one of the perks.”

 

Jeff smiled again.  “I didn’t realize you’d be awake so soon.  I hope I didn’t disturb you.”

 

“No, no, not at all.  I mean, this is your home.”

 

“Well, actually it’s not.  I just stay here sometimes.  Especially if I’ve had a few drinks.  Dad’s raised us to be very careful of scandal.  Plus this way I get to eat chef’s food instead of foraging for myself.  How did you sleep?”

 

The lie slipped easily off his tongue, “Really great.  Like a baby.”  To Harry’s surprise, Jeff looked dubious.  Jeff even opened his mouth to say something, changed his mind and smiled instead.

 

“That’s good.  So did you bring a swim suit?”

 

For some reason, the thought of swimming with Jeff so early in the morning felt oddly intimate to Harry.  “Yeah, of course.  But I thought I might wait until a little later.”

 

Jeff smiled again.  “Well come on in any time you’re ready.  We’ll probably have a big breakfast brunch, and then the rest of the day is free.  Are you staying for supper?”

 

“I think so.  I just have to check in with the team to make sure I don’t have to do anything else today.  Speaking of that, I should go check my phone.”  Harry quickly left the pool area, and Jeff went back to swimming.

 

He stopped by the kitchen to leave his dishes in the sink.  Still no messages from Louis, but he was probably still asleep before his big parade day.  There was a drunk voice mail from Niall.  Harry smiled.  Niall was the real ladykiller in the group.  It was so funny how their public personalities were all so different from their real ones.

 

He took a look through some tweets and tumblr pages.  Louis never understood why he would want to see ‘that crap’, but he couldn’t help himself.  Besides, it was nice to see how some of the people were smart enough to figure things out.  Certain parts of the fandom never ceased to amaze him.

 

He heard more activity downstairs and went down for breakfast.

 

The day passed in relaxed joy.  He played video games with Cameron while Jeff went golfing, talked about a few PR strategies with Irving, admired family pictures with Shelli, and spent time tanning by the pool with the whole family.

 

In the late afternoon, Harry found himself with Iriving and Jeff.

 

“So, Harry.  Are you feeling more comfortable with us now?” Irving asked him.

 

“Definitely.  You’re a wonderful family.  It makes me miss mine even more.”

 

“I’m really glad.  That’s a lovely compliment.  We’ve all loved having you here.  Jeff is especially taken with you.”  Jeff and Harry both blushed.

 

Jeff quickly stated, “I mean, I think you’ve very charismatic and talented.  I would love to work with you professionally.  I think we can make things easier for you.”  Something about that statement made Harry feel a little sad, but he couldn’t figure out why.

 

“So what exactly would that be?”

 

Jeff continued, “Well, what’s your end goal?  Do you want to be out, or do you want to be closeted?  There’s no shame in either, by the way.”

 

“If it were up to me, I would be calling the Big Gay press conference tomorrow.  I absolutely hate the closet.  But there’s Louis to consider as well.  He is terrified of coming out.  It’s harder for him because of the complication of his long-term girlfriend.  So as long as he’s not ready, I guess I’m not ready.”

 

Jeff looked at him for a minute, seeming to weigh him in his mind.  “Well, alright.  I can appreciate that.  So what we need to do then is find you a girlfriend.  I can make a few calls to people who would be agreeable.  So that’s that.  What about musical writing?  Anyone in particular you want to work with?”

 

“Sure – everyone.  I love music, I love writing, I love singing.    If you find someone who’s willing to work with me, I would be willing to work with them.”

 

“Fantastic.  Let me make some calls and maybe the next time you’re here we can set up a few meetings.”

 

“Great.  And don’t forget about that hockey game.”  Harry wasn’t sure why he said that, but it seemed important to him for some reason.

 

Jeff smiled again. “Yeah – we’ll make a hockey lover out of you yet, Harry.  Just you wait and see.”

 

Harry smiled, too.

 

Irving spoke again, “So, Harry.  I know you were planning on leaving after supper, but would you like to stay one more night?”

 

X-X

 

It had been almost a day and he still hadn’t heard back from Louis.  Out of morbid curiosity he went on tumblr to see what the fandom was saying.  He was assaulted with a barrage of pictures of Louis and Eleanor.  He didn’t as much mind the ones of them walking around, but then he saw something that made his blood boil.  They were in a jewelry store.  After he specifically asked Louis not to.  He couldn’t decide if he was more hurt or angry.  Sadly, anger was winning this time.

 

He went back downstairs.

 

“Irving?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“I think I would like to take you up on your invitation to stay another night.  If that’s okay.”

 

Later on, they all took pictures of their own, acting silly.  Harry couldn’t remember having such a good time.

 

X-X

 

After another wonderful breakfast, Irving left the house to deal with work, and Harry packed his things.  He had to get back to his own work – the movie was opening in a week.  Jeff walked him to the door.  The two stood awkwardly in the entryway.

 

Harry needed to know something.  “So.  You don’t think it’s such a bad thing for me to want to stay in the closet, do you?”

 

Jeff looked at him in that way that Harry was quickly getting used to.  “I think we all have our reasons for the way we handle pressures.  There is more than you to consider in this situation.  I think you are doing the right thing for you.”

 

“So, if you were me, would you do anything differently?”

 

Jeff cocked his head to the side and looked at Harry.  “No.”

 

Harry waited for more, and then awkwardly made a move to leave when Jeff didn’t continue.

 

“Harry.  What I mean is – I wouldn’t do anything different…. Because I am in the exact same situation as you.”  He gave Harry a knowing look.

 

Harry was flustered, and quickly said good-bye and left.  His feet felt a little lighter as he walked down the path to his car.


	3. September 2013 - Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Even a stopped clock gives the right time twice a day."
> 
> (I spoil the end of the Disney Aladdin movie in this chapter. Sorry-not-sorry.)

“But Haz, you know you can’t come.  You know what fans will say.  Remember the last time you were at one of my games?  They’re  _still_  talking about ‘Cheerleader Harry’ for Christ’s sake.”

“I could just stay in the stands, you know.  We’re bandmates.  Why  _shouldn’t_  I come to support you?”

“I just really don’t want the whole ‘Larry’ shit to overshadow the day.  It’s for charity, Harry.”

“I know it’s for charity.  That’s why I want to be there, too.”

“I know you want to, but I would really be happier if you stayed here at home.  C’mon, babe.  We can play footballer and cheerleader when I get back?”  He gave Harry a playful smile.

Things had initially been awkward after he had spent the two days with the As.  They had both been cold to each other when Harry got back to their shared hotel room in the morning.   Lou T. had come to do Harry’s hair that morning, but she quickly left when she caught the temperature of the room.  After yelling at each other about how hurt each was, then ended up in bed as they always did.  It used to be that the lovemaking sex was a lot more frequent than the make-up sex, but the stresses were getting to them both lately.  It was still really good, but Harry was left feeling slightly empty afterwards.  He hoped it was just their hectic schedules.  At least they would be able to have a proper vacation together after the Australian leg was finished.  They just had to get through a few more months.

Things had improved for a couple of weeks after their fight.  Louis promised that he would never allow an engagement with Eleanor to happen, and Harry promised to always come home.  They both managed to put the fight behind them, and focused on what it was they really loved about each other.  Everything had been going well.  But now…

Now Louis wasn’t going to let Harry watch him play.  It brought Louis so much joy to be out on the football pitch.  Harry  _loved_  watching him – Louis practiced a lot at home on their days off, and he was getting really good.  It really hurt that after all of that, Louis was still going to be paranoid about being seen together in public.  But Harry decided to let it go for now.   

“You know I like playing Cheerleader Harry,” he said as he wiggled his eyebrows at Louis.

“You know I love it, too!  Listen – I’ve got to head out for a practice.  I’m picking Alberto up on the way.  See you when I get back?”  Louis gave him a quick kiss as he grabbed his gear bag on the way out the door.  Louis rarely went anywhere without Alberto any more.  It was his way of coping.

Harry heard Louis’ car pull out of their driveway.  He sat down at the computer to catch up with the news and his e-mails.  The house felt incredibly quiet. 

The first message was from his legal team.  They were working on the pap injunction, but it was still going incredibly slowly.  There was another picture taken again just a few days ago.  He sent them a quick note back to approve the next steps.

There were some cute pictures from his Mom.  Gemma had sent a note to complain about how he was too big a star to make time for her.  He quickly e-mailed her back, and promised to have lunch with her soon. 

Then there was a message from Jeff:

_Hey Harry,_

_Just wanted to drop you a quick note to tell you that I’ve talked to a few artists.  They would love to work with you the next time you’re in LA.  Any plans on being here again soon?_

_We’ll make an LA boy out of you yet._

_JA_

Attached to the message was a picture of an LA Kings jersey with “Styles” across the back.  Harry smiled and closed the laptop.

He was feeling restless.  He wanted to go out to his yard, but he hated being out there alone.  He went down to their media room to catch up on his favourite shows.

A few hours later, he heard Louis come in the door.  He made his way back up to the kitchen.

“Wow, that was epic!  I really wish I had been a footie instead of in a boyband, you know?”  Louis smiled as he drank some orange juice straight from the carton.

Harry rolled his eyes and shook his head affectionately as he pulled a glass out of the cupboard.  Louis was always drinking from the carton, and Harry was always trying to get him to stop.

Louis stuck his tongue out and poured the juice in the glass.

“Well, dear Lou, we probably wouldn’t have ever met then.” Harry smirked, as he reached for Louis’ waist.  He lifted Louis up on the counter and placed himself between Louis’ legs.

“Gah!  I’m still all sweaty from practice!”

“I don’t care.  Come here, sweet cheeks.”  He pulled Louis in for a kiss. 

Louis’ phone rang, just as it was getting interesting.  Louis hopped down and answered it.

“Hello?... Naw, mate.  Just got home from practice.  What’s up?”

Harry could tell from his tone of voice that it was probably Olli.  He really wanted to like Louis’ friends, but Olli just kind of rubbed him the wrong way.  Maybe it was how he always managed to hook up with one of their fans while he was out with Louis, maybe it was his constant weed use, or maybe it was jealousy that Olli could be seen in public with Louis but Harry couldn’t.

Louis wandered back into the room, “Legend!  I can’t wait to see you there.  It’s going to be fucking amazing!”  He hung up the phone.  “Olli’s coming to my game next week.  I can’t wait!”

The message from the lawyers he just received, sitting at home by himself all morning, and all of the stress they had been under lately combined in one red ball in his stomach.  Harry had had enough.

“So Olli gets to go to the game?  While I sit at home?  Like the good little housewife, eh?”

“What are you on about Harry.  He’s just a friend.”

“Well I should hope he’s just a friend.  We’re engaged and living together, in case you haven’t noticed.”  Harry’s frustration was obvious.

“You know what Harry?  I have fucking noticed.  I’ve also noticed you’ve been a whiny bitch about all of it lately, too.”  They looked at each other for a long moment.

“That was low and you know it.  I’m so done with this shit.”  Harry dragged his hand through his hair.  He had to walk away before he said something he would truly regret.  Not taking the hint, Louis followed him.

“Was it?  Was it a low blow, Harry?  Mr. ‘Face of the Band’?”  Harry turned to look at him, his eyes open wide in surprise.  Louis hadn’t been upset about that for a long time.

“Yeah, you heard me. I was asked again  _today_  if ‘Harry Styles’ would be showing up to the game.  People want to get their pictures with you.  Not me – who’s actually playing in the game – but you.”

“Lou, you know that’s not my fault.  I can’t help that they have set me up this way.  I never asked to be the ‘face’ of One Direction!” 

“Maybe if you wouldn’t spend so much time in LA being Mr. Hollywood, they wouldn’t think you were leaving the band.”  There was a note of desperation underneath the sarcasm.

Harry realized that it wasn’t about him leaving the band.  It was about him leaving Louis.  But for the first time, he didn’t feel like trying to fix Louis’ insecurities.  He was bone-tired and weary of everything.

“Louis, you know I’m not leaving the band.  I love being a part of One Direction.  But maybe that’s a good idea.  Maybe Cal and I will head to California while you have your charity match.  If we are public enough about it, maybe that way people won’t be looking for me at your game.”

“Fine.  If that’s how you feel.  Just go.”  Louis paused for a moment, then continued, “ No!  You know how badly I want to play in this game, and now you’re going to just jet off back to LA?”

“No, Lou, I’m not ‘jetting back to LA’.  I just need a break.”

“From what?  Being here in England?”

“No.” His eyes got really sad.  “I think I need a break from us.”

Louis glared at him for a second, grabbed his keys and left the house.

Harry called Cal.  “Can you get us two tickets to LA for as soon as possible?  I need to get away.”  Thankfully, Cal didn’t ask any questions.

X-X

The warm, humid air hit him as soon as he stepped off the plane.  Cal had a driver waiting for them.

“Harry, I know you didn’t ask me to, but I called the As before we left.  Jeff is going to set up some meetings for you while we’re here.  If you feel up to it.”

Cal knew that the fights between Harry and Louis were becoming more frequent.  Harry didn’t know if he was happy Cal didn’t ask any questions, or if he was sad that it had happened so often that Cal just knew. 

“So what’s the plan while we’re here?  Where are we going so that I’ll be ‘spotted’?”  It was really quite ridiculous, but Harry had to agree that these planned sightings were effective. 

“I thought we’d go to straight to my house tonight, and then in the morning maybe go to Jamba Juice and hit the virtual driving range?  I couldn’t get a good tee time on short notice.”

“Yeah, that sounds really good.”  Harry was pleased.  He loved to golf.  He couldn’t decide if it was the exercise, or because so few of the people who usually frequented golf courses recognized him.

“Oh – and the As have offered you a place to stay this week.  One of their secure homes.  But only if you want to.  You are more than welcome to stay with my wife and I.” 

“I’ve taken advantage of your good will for long enough.  I think I would be okay with staying at one of their places.”

“Great.  Jeff’s going to meet us there, too.  Is that alright?”

“Definitely.  If I’m going to be working with them, then I should start working with them, right?”

X-X

Their plan worked.  Within minutes of arriving at the Jamba Juice, Harry was spotted.  Fans took pics, he asked them nicely to wait an hour before posting, and they left for the indoor driving range.  Jeff was already there waiting for them.

“Harry, Cal.  Good to see you both again.”

“Yeah, you too, Jeff.”  Harry gave him a hug.  Jeff seemed surprised and a little stiff, but if he was going to be spending time around Harry, he needed to learn how to accept him being affectionate.

They had a really good time together, practicing their swings.  Golf was actually really good for Harry’s back, so it felt great to get out and stretch it after the long flight the day before. 

Cal was still taking a few swings, so Harry went and stood by Jeff.

“So, how are you doing, Harry?”

“Not too bad.  Can’t complain.  Cal mentioned that I might be able to stay at one of your family’s places?”

“Well, yeah.  I was actually hoping that you wouldn’t mind staying at my place.  I mean, it makes it easier to work together if I put you up in one of my spare rooms.”   Jeff looked away.

Harry found himself smiling, “Okay.  Yeah.  That would be great, man.  You don’t mind?”

“Not at all.  I have so much space, you’ll hardly know there’s anyone else there.”

“Well alright then!  Cheers!”  He was happy he wasn’t going to have to stay alone. 

The morning passed quickly.  Harry transferred his bags from Cal’s vehicle to Jeff’s, and Harry left with him.  Jeff was very quiet on the drive to his house, but quiet people never really bothered Harry.  It was a companionable silence.  Usually Harry pulled out his phone to scroll through his messages when things were quiet, but he didn’t feel the need to do that this time.

Once they reached his house, Jeff showed him to his room.  The house wasn’t as large as the main A home, but then again, Jeff didn’t need space for as many people.  Or did he?  Harry had never asked him if he was in a relationship.  Usually that was one of the first things he asked someone when they worked together.

“Just come on down any time you’re ready – help yourself to anything in the kitchen whenever you’re hungry.  I told my parents that I would bring you over for supper tonight.  Mom’s really excited.”

“Yeah, that sounds really good.  I have to make some calls about some legal stuff, so I’ll be a few minutes.  Is that okay?”

“Harry, just make yourself at home.  You can relax, man.”  Jeff smiled.

Harry smiled back.  It was nice to be in someone’s home.  Even with all of the security, he never really felt safe in hotels.  Maybe it was because there was always the possibility that a stranger would be around.  And as much as he loved the Aurands for everything they had done for him, he still felt like a third wheel. 

Jeff left and Harry pulled out his laptop.  He connected through his aircard, and opened up his e-mail to find another message from Louis.  He had stayed up most of the night before at Cal’s as he and Louis sent messages back and forth.  Harry rubbed his hands across his face.  He just didn’t feel the same kind of urgency to fix things as he usually did.  They had ended the night before at a stalemate.  Harry was still hurt that Louis didn’t want him at his game, and Louis was still hurt that Harry had left again.

He decided to call Louis instead.  It was still really early there, but there was a chance Louis was awake.

A muffled voice finally croaked, “Hello?”  Damn.  Louis had been sleeping.  He hated to be woken up.

“Hey, Lou.  I just wanted to talk to you.”

“Well thanks, Mr. Hollywood.”  Louis was not getting any happier as he woke up.

“Please, Lou.  Don’t be like that.  You know why I left.  I’m having so much trouble dealing with everything right now.”

“And I’m not?  I’ve got my charity game in a few days, you’ve left the country, so I’m dealing with the legal team, and there’s the usual bullshit from our ‘publicity’ idiots.  I’m just as done as you are.  But I didn’t go running off to La-la land.”

“I didn’t run off.  I seem to remember you asking me not to be there.  And I don’t feel safe in our home, Louis.  I am not sleeping.”

“Yeah, I know.  And now you’re not letting me sleep.”

Harry ignored the dig.  “I’m so tired of the Beard Parade.  And I can’t stop thinking about the fact that if you really wanted your ‘relationship’ with Eleanor to end, you could make it end.”

“You know she’s the only thing keeping absolutely everyone from speculating that I’m gay.  I’m.  Not.  Ready.  I’m not like you, Harry.  Everybody  _loves_  you, and I’m One Direction’s asshole.  I know, I like to drop the gay hints to fuck with our management team, but I’m just not ready to take that final step.  I’m just not.  And I’m tired of telling you that.”

“I know, Lou.  I know.”  Harry sighed.  They had been over this same argument so many times before.

“So where the hell are you right now?  At Cal’s?”

“No, I’m actually staying with Jeff A.”

“Seriously?  You’re giving me shit over Eleanor, and you’re staying with another guy?  How is that better?”

“Come off it, Lou!  You know it’s completely different.  No one thinks I’m dating Jeff A.”

“Not yet they don’t!”  Louis always had a jealous streak.  Harry had refused to do any more high profile PR relationships since Taylor Swift.  It was just so hard on Louis.

“I’m really sorry, babe, but I do think I need a break from all this.  Why don’t we both take these next few days to rest and then talk after your game?”

“Fine” snapped Louis.

“I’m serious.  I’m just so tired of fighting.  We’ve got the next leg of our tour coming up.  We both need some rest.   _I_  need some rest.”

“Yeah, fine,”

Harry sighed again, “Okay, Lou.  Bye.”

“Yeah, whatever” and the line went dead.

He thought about calling him back, but he just didn’t have the energy.  Instead, he walked downstairs and found Jeff in his kitchen.

Jeff glanced at Harry’s face.  “Hey, is everything okay?”

“Yeah, just going through some stuff right now.  I just kind of feel like I need to take my mind off of it.”

“I get it.  You know… Whenever I’m feeling stressed, I like to watch goofy movies.  It brings things back into perspective a bit.”

“So by goofy movie, do you mean a silly movie, or a movie about the character Goofy?” Harry grinned at him.

Jeff snorted.  “Come on in to my media room.  We’ll find something for you to watch.”

Jeff made popcorn and brought drinks down to the room.  He had a lot of movies and a lot of movie genres.  Inspired by the thoughts of Goofy, Harry picked one of his favourite Disney movies.  They laughed and sang along to Aladdin.  Jeff was quite impressed with Harry’s ‘I Can Show You the World’ solo, and they both cheered when Jafar was tricked into becoming a genie at the end. 

He felt much better by the time they left for the A’s.  Every evening with them felt more and more comfortable.

X-X

He woke up the next morning, and out of habit he looked at his twitter feed.  It looked like Louis had actually been tweeting from his account again.  “Big love to everyone!  Really enjoying the rest!”  Harry tried not to let it bother him, but it was hard to ignore.  Ever since they had been told to stop tweeting each other, they sometimes found a way to indirectly tweet.  He was sure this was one of those times.  He sighed and padded off to the shower.

When he got down to the kitchen, Jeff was already there, drinking coffee and reading the paper.  Harry poured himself a cup and sat down next to him.

“So what’s on the agenda for today?”

“Well, I know you and Ed Sheeran are close, right?”

Harry smiled.  “Yeah, he slept on my couch for a few months.  Why?”

“Well, he’s also worked with Johnny McDaid from Snow Patrol.  I think you two may have met earlier in the summer?”

“Yeah, he’s a really cool guy.”

“He’d love to write with you.  He’s busy this week, but if you thought you were going to be back some time this fall.  I know with your tour schedule, that’s probably going to be tough.”

“Well, I need to be back in London for fashion week, but I think I have a few days before I need to be in Australia.  Maybe I can stop by here again for a few days on my way over there.”

“Great!  I’ll give him a call later.”

Jeff left the house to attend to some business.  Harry trolled the internet for a little while.  He saw a rumour that he and Cal were going to be in San Francisco for a Packers game, so that’s why he wasn’t going to be at Louis’ charity match.  Harry snorted.  He would have to tell Cal about that one.

He wandered around Jeff’s house.  There were some family pictures of the As, but none of Jeff with a boyfriend.  Harry knew that didn’t mean anything though – he and Louis had to be careful which pictures they had in their house, too.

He checked out Jeff’s sound system.  He loved hearing what songs other people were listening to.  You could tell so much about a person by the songs that they like.  The sound system was connected straight to his music collection on his computer.   Out of curiosity, started it up to see the last artist Jeff had been listening to.  He was surprised to find an artist he’d never heard of before.  Intrigued, he pressed play on the “Sarah Slean” playlist.  She had a hauntingly beautiful voice.

Harry just let the music wash over him for a while.  Then one particular song caught his attention.

_…Plant me in the garden where the willow grows_

_And from my sorrow, a rose_

_How high the moon_

_How deep the ocean_

_I never knew_

_‘Til now_

_As the curtain closes there'll be no surprise,_

_When the anthem's playing we know to rise_

_Every living creature was born to close their eyes_

_But love the great magician, never dies...._

X-X

Harry gave Cal a call.  He had an appointment at Shamrock Social Club later, but he wanted to chat with him. 

“Hey, Cal.  You know what the fans are saying?  That we came to LA to see Green Bay play in San Francisco tomorrow.”

“Really?  Why on earth would we do that?”

“Because I’m a big fan and I wanted to see them play.”

“Harry, that’s hilarious.”

“I know.  I’m heading to Shamrock soon, but I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

He hung up the phone and smiled to himself.  If Louis could send an indirect message, maybe he could, too. 

X-X

“Harry, man.  Nice to see you.  What are we tattooing on you today?”

Harry hadn’t been sure what he would get when he made the appointment.  He just felt it was time for some more ink.  He usually got work done when he was feeling particularly trapped by the situation he was in.

He thought about the song he’d heard at Jeff’s yesterday.  He thought about love being a great magician that never dies. 

“A rose” he said.

X-X

Another day, another tweet from Louis.  “Can’t wait for you all to hear the songs we’ve written. :)”  He wasn’t sure that was really coming from him.  He knew that Jay sometimes tweeted for Louis, and she sometimes signed them with smiley faces.  Smiley faces were definitely not Louis.

Cal dropped by Jeff’s house around mid-morning while Jeff was out.  He didn’t mince words.  “So what’s going on with you and Louis right now?”

“Same old, same old.  I’m tired of the closet.  He’s not ready.  We had a big blow up before I left because he didn’t want me to come to his charity game.  I told him I needed a break so that I could rest.”

“So is that what his tweet was about the other day?”

“Yeah.  I think so.  Now I’m reading that management is stopping me from going to his game, or that an American football team is more important to me than supporting my boyfriend.  I just don’t know.  I’m so tired.”

“The fans can be so observant sometimes, and then other times… Well if they think we went to San Francisco, maybe we should pretend we went to San Francisco!”

Harry giggled to himself as he uploaded the stock photo of the Golden Gate Bridge to his Instagram.  Cal simultaneously uploaded an old picture he had from the bay that said, “Can’t wait for the packers opening day!!! In the meantime….” 

“Feel a little better now?”

“Yeah, I think I do.  What time are we leaving for the game tonight?”

“I’m going to pick up Jen and then we’ll swing by here to get you and Jeff.  Sound good?”

“Perfect.”

X-X

Harry was really enjoying himself.  Jeff was very patiently answering his questions, and Harry had a lot of them.  He’d been to a few hockey games before, but it was different when he had someone he could learn from.  It was also the most animated he’d seen Jeff.  He stopped and just watched Jeff for a few minutes.  It was wonderful to watch someone enjoying something that they loved so much.

After the game ended, and they took pictures with the team, a few fans were hanging around.  Cal helped to organize them so that everyone could get their shots.  Harry noticed that Jeff and Jen had disappeared down the hallway.

He pulled off the jersey and hopped into his vehicle.  He met Cal, Jen and Jeff around the corner.  He hopped out and let Jeff get into the drivers’ seat.   Jeff turned the radio on to a local station.  The announcer was talking about Lance Bass’ recent engagement.

“Does it ever get easier?”  Harry asked after a while.

Jeff paused for a moment.  He knew what Harry was asking, “Yes… and no.  It depends on the people you have around you.  It depends on how much you care about what other people think.  My family all know the truth, as well as my close friends.  I think a lot of people in the industry suspect that I’m gay, so I actually have a very comfortable glass closet.  I’m not even ‘in the closet’ as much as I just don’t discuss my personal life.  The people that matter to me know the truth.”

Harry couldn’t help but think of Louis’ complicated family, and how they couldn’t be open with everyone.  It just wasn’t safe to have more than their closest relatives know.  Most of Louis’ siblings were too young to understand that they had to keep it a secret, and  _why_  they couldn’t tell anyone.  It made him uncomfortable to think about it.

“Harry?”

The question brought him back to the present.

“Mmmm?”

“Why can’t you sleep?”  Jeff asked casually.

Of all the questions, he wasn’t expecting that one. 

“I spend too much time on the internet.” Harry quipped, only this time Jeff didn’t laugh.

“No, really, Harry?  What happened?”

Harry sighed.  He decided that if they were going to be working together, Jeff should know the truth.  “You know the legal business I mentioned earlier?  Well, a couple of months ago, a couple of extremely nosy paps found our house.  I don’t know how they did it.  I’ve gone over a million different ways it could have happened.  Was I not careful enough?  Did they pay off someone from our team?  Did one of our friends or family sell us out?  I still don’t know.  We came home on a tour break and found footprints in the flowerbeds outside our windows.  It couldn’t have been us or anyone from security, because we had only just got there.  We thought maybe it was just a regular burglar – ha! – how sad is that that we were hoping it was just a normal criminal?  But later that week, we saw someone in the bushes near our house with a camera.  We called our head of security, Paul, and told him right away.  We’ve got in’s with some of the papers to see if any pictures showed up.  Sure enough, some did.  We managed to block most of them.  But it scared the shit out of both of us.”

Jeff gripped the wheel, and didn’t say anything for a few moments.  Then he replied, “I would be scared shitless, too.”

“Home is supposed to be my safe area, you know?  Now that one person had found us, we didn’t know how many more there were out there, or if they had shared that information.  We didn’t know if they had already taken a picture of us, or how much they could see. Louis freaked out, and he hired Alberto as his personal security guard.  He doesn’t go anywhere without him.  I started having trouble falling asleep.  Sometimes even when I do, I wake up in a cold sweat.”

“I know.”

Harry turned to look at Jeff.  “How could you possibly know that?”

Jeff shifted in his seat.  “Because I heard you.  The first night you slept at my parents’.  I heard a shout, and came to your door.  I didn’t want to disturb you, but I stayed there and listened for a few minutes.  Felt kind of like a creeper, but I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“Wow.  I’m so sorry.  I didn’t know I made any noise that night.  Louis never says anything if I do wake up, although I try not to bother him.  Cal’s heard me a few times when I stay with them.  So I try to sleep lightly when I’m there because I just feel guilty for waking him up.”

They were stopped at a red light.  Jeff turned to look at Harry.  “Why do you think your feelings are less valid than anyone else’s?  Here you are, in a multi-million dollar band, so you’re stalked by fans and paparazzi, and you’re sorry for waking people up when you have a nightmare?  When it’s perfectly justified?”

Harry just looked at him.  Cal had said something like that to him before, and Cal and Louis were really the only other ones who knew about the problems he was having.  Of course, everyone knew about the pap outside their home, but not even the other 3 guys knew Harry was having trouble sleeping.  He didn’t like to worry people.     

“I guess I just don’t like to be a burden.”

“You are  _not_  a burden!  You are one of the nicest guys I have ever met, and I have met a lot of people.  You are a better human being than most of the people I manage put together.  You deserve to be happy and feel safe.  Just because you’ve had some tremendous success, that doesn’t mean that you should also be punished for it.”

Harry paused and let that sink in.  “I’ve never really thought about it like that.  I just feel like I’ve been so fortunate in life, I need to give back.  Some of this just comes with the territory.”

“Harry, I was practically born with a silver spoon in my mouth.  But my dad brought us all up to believe that no matter who you are, you treat people with dignity and respect.  And you distance yourself from people who don’t treat you the same way.  You are not a piece of meat just because a fan bought your music on iTunes.   I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be kind to your fans – in fact, it’s one of your best star qualities – but they don’t have a right to your personal life.”

Jeff sighed and continued, “Sorry, Harry.  I just feel really passionate about this.  I’ve seen how you wear yourself out making everyone around you happy.  You have to take care of you first.”

Harry smiled.  Really, he should be feeling angry or upset about their discussion, but he was just happy to have someone carry the burden of worrying for once.  It also felt good to tell someone about what he was going through, and to hear that he wasn’t crazy for feeling afraid.

“Thanks, Jeff.  I’ll try to remember that.”

X-X

For the first time in months, Harry slept through the night.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a long one. Lots of things happened in September! I didn't even make it through half the month, but I wanted to post it because I liked where it ended.
> 
> The song I reference is "The Rose" by Sarah Slean. She's Canadian. I think she's rad.


	4. September 2013 - Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Lesson one. Never fight a Shaolin Monk"

The following day was Louis’ charity match.  Harry had planned to sleep in so that he would miss most of the match, but he couldn’t help himself.  He was up and watching the update accounts on twitter as the sun was coming up.  His heart dropped when he saw that Louis had been hurt on the field, and then felt the second hand embarrassment through the screen when he saw that Louis had thrown up.  He picked up his cell and called Louis’ phone.  He wasn’t expecting an answer, so he left him a message:

“Lou, baby.  Are you okay?  Please call me when you get this.  I’m worried about you.  Talk to you soon…  Bye.”

He wanted to call everyone he knew that would be at the game, but this break had been his decision.  He watched the twitter feed and waited for his phone to ring.

Jeff found him there late in the morning.  From what Harry could tell, Louis was going to be okay.  It was probably just a combination of pain and nerves.  But he still hadn’t heard anything from Louis himself.

“Harry?  Cal’s here.  He said he was going to pick you up today?”

“Yeah.  I’ll be right down.  Thanks.”  He closed his laptop and grabbed his phone. 

Later on, as he and Cal were driving around, he saw a heart spray-painted on an electrical panel near the side of the road.  He pulled out his phone and snapped a picture of it.  Why did it always seem like the universe liked to remind you of exactly what you are struggling with at the time?

He texted Louis, _“Lou, please.  Talk to me.  Haz.”_   He knew that nothing serious had happened, because someone else would have told him, but he still wanted to hear from Louis himself that he was okay.  There was no reply.

They picked up Jeff from his house, and all went back to the Aurands’.  Harry got Jeff to take a picture of the three of them watching the game together on the TV.  He uploaded it to his Instagram, just to troll the fandom.  It was too bad he couldn't tell them that it was Louis himself who hadn't wanted him there.

 

X-X

 

It had been more than 24 hours since he left the phone message for Louis.  He broke down and texted him again.

_“Louis.  I’m seriously worried.  Please let me know you’re okay.”_

There was no way that Louis didn’t get his messages.  He would have to know that Harry would have seen the pictures by now, and that he would be worried about him.  Harry had no choice but to assume that Louis was doing it intentionally, just to spite him.

He uploaded his picture of the heart on the electrical box to Instagram with the caption, “ _Can’t love, can’t hurt._ ”

 

X-X

 

Harry tried to rest on the flight back to London.  He was still feeling really sad.  He was afraid he hadn’t been much of a houseguest the last day or so.  Jeff seemed to understand, and gave him lots of space.  He thought about the phone call he’d made to Grimmy just before he left.

“Popstar!  How are you, sweetie?” 

“Yeah, I’m okay.  I have a favour to ask though.”

Nick could tell by Harry’s voice that he wasn’t okay.  He dropped his teasing tone, “Yeah, mate?  What do you need?”

“Can I come and stay with you for a few days?”

“Of course...  Don’t want to go home?”

“Something like that.  My flight gets in tomorrow night in London.  Is it okay if I go straight to your place?”

“Absolutely.  You know the code, and where I keep the key if I’m not home. ”

“Thanks, Nick.  I really appreciate it.”

He finally found a comfortable position in his seat, put his head back, and went to sleep.

 

X-X

 

Nick was home when Harry got there.  After some quick pleasantries, he went to the spare room that he usually slept in when he stayed at Grimmy’s.  Nick knew Harry would be tired and needing some space.  Harry called Paul, just to let him know where he would be staying for the next few days.  He sent a message to his mom to let her know he was safely back in London. 

He still hadn’t heard anything from Louis.  He found he was less and less surprised by that, but more and more angry.  He lay down in bed, but even as tired as he was, he still couldn’t sleep.  He pulled his jeans and a shirt on, and went to the living room.

Nick was watching TV, but he turned the volume down when he saw Harry.

“Hey.  I thought you’d be asleep by now.”

“I did, too.”

“Want to talk about it?”

“Maybe… I don’t know.  Maybe not tonight.”

“You know I’m here for you whenever you want to talk, Harold.”

“Thanks.  I’m just going through some stuff now...  Ready for Fashion Week?”

Nick could tell he was trying to change the subject, so tried to lighten the mood.  “Of course!  You still going to be my date?”

Harry smiled.  Nick loved teasing him, but Harry knew that it was all just superficial.  Nick saw him as more of a little brother.  He was one of the first and only people to directly ask Harry if he was gay.  In an industry of closets and yes-men, it was refreshing to have someone be honest with him.  Nick had taken him under his wing and helped give him some tips on how to navigate the music industry. 

Nick turned the TV up again and the two of them watched together for a while.  Eventually, Harry felt himself begin to nod off, so he said good night to Nick and went to bed.

Surprisingly, there was a text on his phone from Jeff.

_How’s London?_

He smiled and texted back.

_It’s good.  Thanks for having me stay for the week._

Surprisingly, he got a reply almost immediately.

_Any time._

He wasn’t sure if that was meant to be the end of the conversation, but he suddenly wasn’t as tired any more.

_How’s the weather?_

_Sunny warm and beautiful.  You’re missing out._

_At least I will be back there next week_

_Be careful.  Might be the only weekend we get rain all year.  ; )_

_Got any plans for this week?_

_Got Britney’s Vegas ann. to prep for.  Lots of people._

_She seems nice.  Should be fun._

_Doubt it.  : )  But it’s part of the job._

Harry couldn’t think of a witty response. 

_It’s late here.  Guess I should try to sleep._

_Take care of you first remember_

_Thanks_

Harry realized that wasn’t quite enough, so he sent another message:

_Thanks for everything.  See you again soon._

_Thank YOU for letting me show you “a whole new world”.  ; )_

Harry fell asleep with a smile on his face.

 

X-X

 

The following few days were a whirlwind of stylists, pap walks, and fashion shows.  Normally Harry loved Fashion week, but he was still feeling hurt that Louis hadn’t called.

He and Nick caught a ride together back to Nick’s house after the Burberry after party.  Harry had had a few more drinks than he normally would have, so he was feeling a little tipsy.  They chatted all the way home about the different people they had seen at the party, and had a good laugh about one of the stories Kelly Osborne had told them.

Nick let them both into the house and they went into the kitchen.  Nick opened a bottle of wine and poured them each a glass.

“So now do you want to tell me what’s going on?”

“Louis and I… are on a break.”

“A break?   What does that mean?”

“I don’t know...  It was my idea.  I’m just tired of the closet, tired of the lying.  The final straw was when Louis didn’t want me to come to his football game.”

Nick’s mouth tightened.  “Really.  Did he say why not?”

“He just didn’t want the game to be overshadowed by any Larry stuff.  I wouldn’t have caused a scene, I just wish he would have wanted me there with him, you know?”

“Harold.  I’ve been telling you for months:  Free yourself.  You’re so young!  Get out there and enjoy all the big, gay bounty life has to offer!”  He tapped his wine glass against Harry’s in a playful gesture.  

Harry smiled in response.  “You know it’s not that simple, Nick…  I think it’s just a rough patch.  It’s been stressful with the tour and the movie coming out and everything else.”

“I know, Harry.  I’m just teasing you.  Honestly.  I think it’s very admirable how hard you are working on a closeted relationship when you’re dead center of the public eye.  I don’t think I would be able to do it.”

“I know you’re just teasing, Grimmy.   I’m just kind of sad.  I haven’t heard from Louis since before his football game.  I knew that he got hurt and then sick on the field.  I called him, I texted him, and I haven’t heard anything back.”  Harry’s shoulders dropped.  Nick hated seeing his friend look so defeated.

“He’ll get over it, Harry, I’m sure he will.  But until then what you need is some classic Break Up Good Riddance Fuck You music!”

Although he still wasn’t feeling quite himself, he had to admit that it was kind of fun to dance around and sing to some of Nick’s collection of music.  He wasn’t exactly happy when he went to sleep that night, but he did feel a little better.

 

X-X

 

He got a text from Jeff around lunch time the next day as he was eating in Nick’s kitchen.

_Hi H:  What time does your flight land?_

_Hi J: Friday morning_

_I’ll be there to meet you.  Everything going okay?_

_Yeah.  I like Fashion Week._

_I saw you in some pictures.  You fit in there._

_Do I?  I always feel awkward._

_LOL_

_Wait.  It’s 4am there.  What are you doing up?_

_I have to leave right away for the Britney thing._

_LOL.  Glamourous life you live._

_TBH?  I would absolutely prefer an episode of breaking bad, a snooze or some corn flakes._

Harry almost spit out his drink.  He was still laughing when Nick came into the room.

“You alright, mate?”

“Yeah.  It’s nothing.  I guess I’m going to have to grab the cat by the tail and head home to get some things for the tour.”

“Would you like me to come with you?”

“No.  I don’t think that would be a good idea.  Louis is going to be owly as it is.”

“That’s probably true.  Call me though if you need anything?”

“Definitely.  Thank you, Nick.”

“You know you’re always welcome here, Popstar.”

 

X-X

 

The first words out of Louis’ mouth were, “So you’ve been staying with Creepshaw have you?”

“Well hello to you, too.”

“You know I fucking hate that guy.  He’s such a fucking skeezy, opportunistic, ugly -”

“Louis.  Stop.  Nick is a friend, and I’m just sleeping in his spare room.  I haven’t heard from you for days and now you’re going to complain about who I’m spending my time with?” 

“It was your fucking idea to go on this ‘break’.  How was I supposed to know that you even cared about what had happened to me?”

“I called, I texted, I tried to reach you...”

“But what was the fucking point when you weren’t even _here_.”  Louis turned away and stared out the window.  Harry realized then how hurt and vulnerable Louis was truly feeling.

He walked over to him and gently placed his hand on Louis’ shoulder.  Louis twitched away from his touch, so Harry just stood there for a second.

Then he said, “Lou, I am so sorry.  I know I hurt you and I feel awful for doing that.  I shouldn’t have left London.  It was petty and childish.”

“Yes.  Yes it was.  I really needed you to be here for me.  The last week has been _hell_.”

“I am so sorry for hurting you.”  Louis finally turned to look at him.  Harry’s heart ached at the pain he saw in Louis’ eyes.

He pulled Louis into his arms, and Louis buried his face in Harry’s neck.  Harry could feel Louis’ tears through his shirt.  “I won’t leave you in anger again, Lou.  I promise.”

 

X-X

 

They had a few quiet days together before Harry had to pack for LA again. 

“Are you sure you have to go back?  Can’t it wait until the next break?”  Louis gave Harry his best pouty face.

Harry pouted playfully back.  “No, pumpkin, it can’t.  You know that Johnny McDaid has cleared some time for us to write together this weekend.  If it wasn’t now, we’d have to wait until the tour ends.  I appreciate that he’s taking the time to meet with me, so I don’t want to insult him by putting him off too long, you know?”

“So who’s picking you up at the airport?”

“Jeff - as far as I know.”

“Oh.  Jeff.”  Louis’ eyebrows twitched up.

“Louuuuu, you know it’s not like that.”

“I still don’t see why he’s taken such an interest in you, that’s all.”

“He’s just helping me make some connections out in LA.  When our One Direction contracts end, I want to be able to be in a good position to leverage for some better terms.  The more I learn now, the better.”

“I know, I know.  We just don’t have that many days left before the tour and the circus start again.”

“Yeah.  I know.  I’ll be thinking about you, though.”  Harry gave Louis a sly grin.

“Well, alright.  How about you show me how badly you’re going to miss me.”

Louis made sure to mark Harry up well.  He didn’t want there to be any doubt in anyone’s mind as to who Harry really belonged to.

 

X-X

 

Harry sighed when he saw Louis’ tweet when he landed.  Louis always did have a flair for the dramatic.  “Saying goodbye is shit!!”  He appreciated the sentiment, but he was also slightly annoyed by it.  He knew that most of the fans would assume that the tweet was meant for Eleanor.  He hated that she had a public claim on Louis.

Jeff was there to meet him near the secure area.  Being a member of a large agency had its perks.  He helped Harry get to the waiting vehicle and they left to go to Jeff’s house.

They talked about Jeff’s recent trip to the desert, how his family was doing, and Harry asked a few questions about the LA Kings.  He’d made sure to google some information on the team before he made his trip.  Jeff was very impressed, and Harry was pleased that he'd made the effort. 

They quickly fell into their routine in the house.  Harry was becoming more and more comfortable in Jeff’s home, and he found Jeff very easy to live with.

They decided to take a soak in Jeff’s hot tub that night.  As Harry lowered himself into the tub, he noticed that Jeff’s gaze lingered on his chest.  He realized that some of Louis’ love bites hadn’t faded yet.  Jeff looked away and then up at the hills around his home.  Harry was suddenly sad, and a little angry, but he wasn’t quite sure why.  He certainly had no reason to be angry with Jeff.

They made small talk again, but some of their easy banter was now stilted and awkward.  They both agreed to call it an early night, and went to bed.

 

X-X

 

Jeff left for the iHeartRadio Music Festival the next morning.  He seemed a little distracted, but Harry thought that was probably because he was thinking about the festival.  These events were very important for Jeff’s clients, and it was always stressful to wonder what an artist would say or do in an interview.  Harry went to hug Jeff as he left, but as he moved forward, Jeff shifted backwards.  After things had been so weird between them, Harry stopped and ran his hand through his hair instead. 

“You don’t mind me staying here while you’re gone?  I promise not to make a mess.”

“No, I don’t mind at all Harry.  So... I guess I might see you in November when you’re back in the States?”

“Yeah.  If that’s alright.  Thanks.”

Jeff gave him an exasperated look, then surprised Harry by pulling him in for a hug instead. 

It was only on the plane a few days later to Australia that Harry realized the hug went on a moment longer than it could have.  It was brown eyes, not blue, that Harry remembered as he drifted off to sleep.

 

 

 

 


	5. October 2013

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Oui, Non."

September had almost ended without any more drama.  Almost.  Harry and Cal heard from a friend in the media that a picture of Harry and his former friend, Paige, was going to be published online.  They were usually warned about these things as a professional courtesy.  Cal would get tipped off, and in exchange, he would share exclusive information or pictures back with the media outlet.  It was just how the industry worked. 

Harry and Cal had initially thought to use Harry’s friendship with Paige for publicity and to add to the public confusion over Harry’s sexuality.  The picture they posed for ended up looking extremely awkward, and it was later found that Paige and her friends were not the kinds of people Harry wanted to be associated with.  They had abandoned the stunt, but Paige had a copy of the picture that she shared with a friend.  That “friend” decided to be vindictive with it, and someone tipped the media off that it had been posted on his Instagram account.  Harry was upset, because he had cut all ties with that group, and he knew Louis was going to take the picture extremely hard.  Harry decided to throw caution to the wind and posted song lyrics from “My Old Man”.  He wanted to let everyone know that he and Louis were going to make things work.

But when Louis saw the picture, he lost his shit.  He and Harry had a very loud fight, things were thrown, cruel words were spoken, and Louis left on a plane to Fiji to get some space to cool off.  It was really hard on everyone.  To make matters worse, Louis got delayed and ended up being late to their next concert.  To say things were tense was an understatement.

Harry tweeted out “All my stuff and things”.  He heard back from his mom right away because he knew she would understand what that meant.  He poured his heart out to her on the phone, and told her everything that had been happening.  Anne had always been extremely supportive of Harry, and this was no exception.  She knew that he needed his family, so they made plans for them to come to Australia.

Even before the picture was released, Louis had been losing more and more weight.  He and Zayn were together constantly, doing drugs whenever they could.  Harry enjoyed using every once in a while, but he was so worried that someone might take a picture that he was really careful about it.  He also didn’t like how he felt afterwards.  He tried to talk to Louis about Louis’ drug use a few times, but he just got angry and told him to quit worrying so much. 

Louis was also getting more and more stressed.  Harry’s tweet caused a resurgence in the discussion of he and Louis’ relationship.  Louis responded to the additional pressure by going from one extreme to another.  One day he would be terrified and paranoid of any interaction together, and the next he would be reckless, almost daring them to be caught.  It was exhausting for Harry to try to keep up with.

Two weeks after the picture scandal blew up, Harry and Louis were lying in bed together.  Harry couldn’t sleep.  After a lackluster lovemaking session, Louis had rolled over and promptly fallen asleep.  All of the hurt and frustration boiled over in Harry. 

He got out of bed, and angrily began to pull his clothes on.

“Mmmm….Haz?  What are doing?”  Louis was still groggy.  That pissed Harry off even more.

“I’m leaving.”

“What, can’t sleep love?”  Louis still hadn’t noticed the angry set of Harry’s shoulders.

“No.  I am _leaving._ ”

“What the fuck, Harry?”  Now he was awake.

“I’m done.  There’s nothing to talk about.  This isn’t working, Louis.”

“Fuck, not this shit again.  What’s wrong now.”  Louis flopped back on the bed, his disdain apparent.

“You aren’t listening.  We are done.  I’m not putting up with this anymore.”

“Putting up with what?  What the hell is your problem tonight?”

“I’m stressed.  I’m not doing well.  You got off tonight, and then you _rolled over and went to sleep._ ”

“I’m just as tired as you are you know.  Fuck.  This is _exhausting_.”

Harry looked at Louis, really looked at him, for what seemed like the first time in ages.  Gone was the cute, sweet, sassy, caring boyfriend he had fallen in love with three years ago.  Only a haggard, bitter, selfish person remained.  When had that happened?  When had Harry lost so much of himself, that he was willing to accept being treated so poorly?

“Good bye, Louis.”  He got up and left before anything more could be said.

He found his way to Niall’s room, and knocked on the door.  Basil opened it, and let Harry in.  Niall woke up long enough to pull him in for a cuddle, and they both fell fast asleep.

 

X-X

 

The Blind Gossip article about the break up came out a few days later.  Harry remembered he’d taken a picture at the Ace Hotel in New York a few months earlier.  He had taken it originally for the sign above the door, but since it was Blind Gossip announcing the break up, he felt it was even more appropriate to use it that day.

They performed on stage in Melbourne the next night.  Harry wasn’t feeling well to begin with, and threw up just off stage.  Louis was goofing around during Over Again, which Harry knew he used as a defense for when he felt too much.  It took everything Harry had not to cry during the song, but even with all the effort he was sure the tears were obvious.  It was a horrible night.

The ongoing strain between Harry and Louis was taking the toll on the other three boys as well.  Niall and Harry had always been close, so they gravitated towards each other.  The same could be said for Zayn and Louis.  Liam was caught in the middle.  Liam just really wanted everyone to get along again, but Harry was afraid the group dynamic may never be the same.

Grimmy called Harry a couple of days after the article came out.  They had a really good talk.  Harry knew that Nick had never really liked Louis, so it was nice to talk to someone who didn’t have to maintain a relationship with both of them.  As much as Harry loved Niall, Liam, and Zayn, he knew it wasn’t fair to ask them to listen to him talk his feelings out.  Nick offered him a place to stay if he ever needed it.  Harry realized that things were going to be even messier when they got back to England.  They had a house and everything they had accumulated together to split.  It was all so incredibly hard.

One bright spot in the middle of all the turmoil was his daily texts from Jeff.  Jeff must have known the chaos that was happening in Harry’s life, but he never pried.  He never asked questions.  He was just there for him.  No matter how stressed Harry was feeling, seeing the notification that there was something new from Jeff instantly cheered him up.

One day Jeff asked if they could talk on the phone.

“Harry!  Good to talk to you, man.”

“Yeah – you, too.  How are you, mate?”

“Good.  So I have to ask you this first – Have you put any shrimp on any barbies yet?”

Harry burst out laughing.  It felt good to laugh again.  “No, Jeffrey, I haven’t.  And now that I think about it I’m quite disappointed.”

“Well.  You have a few days left there anyway.  There’s still time.  Listen, I know we talked a little bit a while ago about arranging a girlfriend for you for November-December-ish… is that still something you would be interested in doing?” he asked hesitantly.  It was the closest that Jeff had come to asking him about Louis in all the time they had been texting each other back and forth.

“Well… the thing is… I don’t know if I need a girlfriend now...  Did you have someone in particular in mind?”

“Actually, I was thinking of Kendall Jenner.  Her mom and my parents go way back.  Kris Jenner was practically salivating at the thought of her daughter being associated with Harry Styles.”

Harry thought about it for a second.  “Would she consider this a personal favour from your family to hers?”

“Definitely.  But don’t worry about that.  If you’re not up for it, then we won’t get into any further talks with them.  Kris can find someone else to fake-date her daughter.  I think you’re probably going through enough right now.”

Harry thought about the Azoffs, and how they had opened up their homes to him.  Then he asked Jeff, “Would this help _your_ career out in any way?”

“Well… maybe.  But I’m pretty well set up, Harry.  You don’t need to do something like this just for me.”

Harry thought about it.  It would make his team happy because of the additional publicity, and he would get to spend more time in LA.  “Would you be able to be with us when we’re out together?  And I wouldn’t want any interviews about being with her or confirmations.  When I do eventually come out, I want to be able to say that we were just friends.  It’s not fair to any of these young women either for it to look like their boyfriend was gay and didn’t tell them.”

“I completely agree.  I will be right there with you when you’re in public together, absolutely.  She’s a really nice girl, Harry.  Kendall won’t give you any trouble, and if anyone knows about PR dating, it’s the Kardashians.”

“Well… okay, then.  Maybe Kendall and I can meet when I’m back in LA?”

“Definitely.  I’ll set something up with her.”

“That sounds good.  Thanks.”

“So… how is everything else going?”

Harry found himself surprised that he didn’t actually mind Jeff asking.  “Not bad.  Terrible.  Okay.  All of the above.  I just can’t wait until this leg is over and I get to rest for a while, you know?”

“I bet.  I’ve wondered how you’ve been doing.  I’m glad to hear you’re okay.”

Tears pricked Harry’s eyes.  He wasn’t ready to talk about it with Jeff.  Not yet.  “Yeah, well.  I will be.  The show must go on, right?  I’ll send you my schedule so you can see if Kendall would like to meet up to talk.”

“Sounds good.  Take care of you first, okay Harry?” Jeff had started using a form of that phrase as their standard good bye message.  Harry found it a really good reminder.

“Yeah.  Bye, Jeff.  Thanks.” 

 

X-X

 

“Are you sure you want to do this?”  Niall looked concerned.

“Yeah.  I think it’s time, you know?”  Harry replied.

They were getting ready to film an interview with Sunrise in Australia.  They had pre-screened all the questions, and for the first time, Harry was going to be asked about the rumours of a relationship between he and Louis.  Niall and Liam insisted on being in the interview with him, and Harry had never loved them more.

“I never wanted to lie before, but it’s not a lie now is it?”  Harry gave Niall a sad smile.  He was really trying to be okay and not put too much on the others, but it was getting harder and harder every day.

Niall pulled him in for a hug.  “You’ll be alright, man.  We’re there for ya.”  Harry stayed there, with his chin on Niall’s shoulder for a long minute.  He thanked the gods above again for having been put into a group with Niall.

The interview went about as well as anyone expected it to.  Harry answered a direct question about his relationship with Louis and said “no” when asked if there was anything going on.  Even though it was the truth now, it still pained Harry greatly to deny it.  He got really drunk that night.

Eleanor arrived in Melbourne that same day to stay for just a few days.  Although there was no relationship to hide any more, she was still needed to maintain Louis’ straight image.  It also would have been very suspicious if break up rumours between Louis and Eleanor were to circulate at the same time as Harry said there was nothing going on and the Harry-Louis break up rumours were circulating.  They all had years of fiction to protect.

Finally, the Australian leg of the tour was over, and they only had a few more shows and interviews to do in Japan.  A change of scenery was really good for all five of the guys.  They always enjoyed how respectful the fans were there, and everyone started to relax more.

On Hallowe’en, everyone was ready to celebrate making it through the last few months.  Harry dressed as Miley Cyrus, to the great amusement of everyone else.  Louis and Eleanor went as Jack and Sally.  Eleanor was sad to hear that Harry and Louis had broken up, but Harry could also tell that she was relieved a bit as well.  The situation wasn’t fair to her either; she couldn’t publicly date anyone other than Louis while they were maintaining this farce.  So if there was no relationship to hide, then maybe she could have her life back, too.

All of them had drank a little too much by the time they made it back to their rooms.  They all went back to Harry’s to keep the party going.  Eventually everyone else had left and only Harry and Louis remained.  It was the first time in a long time that they had truly been alone together.

“Want another drink, Louis?”

“Yeah.  Thanks.”  Louis had been really upbeat all night.  Harry had caught him watching him throughout the night a few times.

“Remember Leeds, Harry?  We were so happy.  No one really knew who we were.  Just you and I and that tent.  It’s one of my favourite memories of us together.”

“Yeah.  I wish we could go back to that.  So fun and carefree.”

They both sat quietly in their own thoughts for a few minutes.

“I really miss you, Harry.”  Harry wasn’t actually surprised by this statement.  He knew that Louis was not coping well with the break up either.  With the alcohol flowing through Harry’s body, the relief at making it through the tour, and the heat in Louis’ eyes, Harry couldn’t quite remember what had been so bad between them.   Maybe it had just been tour stress.  Maybe it had just been a rough patch.  Maybe they really could make it work. 

God, he was lonely. 

“Lou – come here.”  Louis had only been waiting for Harry’s consent.  They were on each other within moments.

Later, as they lay tangled in a mess of sweat and sheets, Harry still felt vaguely unsettled.  He hoped he would feel better about it in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a little shorter. To be honest, I didn't want to dwell on any of the events of October. What a miserable month.


	6. November and December 2013

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Talk to yourself. Just don't answer yourself back."  
> "Take one on the temple.."  
>  
> 
> Angst, angst, and some more... angst.

The last few days of the tour in Japan went quickly.  Harry and Louis had managed to work out a few of their differences, and the decreased tension between translated to everyone around them.

After the wrap party in Japan, Harry left to go back to London with everyone else, while Louis and Eleanor stayed a day longer to take some PR pictures.  

Their home felt so empty when Harry got there.  It still looked the same as when he had left, but the feelings that he had had when he left were definitely different.  He felt like he was seeing it for the first time, and it made him unexpectedly sad. 

The weeks that followed included much of their usual routine.  Harry went on fan-service walks, attended parties, and rested.  Louis made a few appearances in public with Eleanor.  It was nice to have a break for a little while.  Things still weren’t the same between them, but at least they weren’t fighting.

All five of the boys flew to LA in mid-November.  Midnight Memories had just been leaked, and they were now in the middle of album promo.  Louis wasn’t happy about it, but Harry went straight to Jeff’s place to avoid the attention of the fans and the paps.

They were settled in Jeff’s yard, drinking a beer on the patio.

“I’ve got dinner booked at Craig’s for us and Kendall for tomorrow night.  Does that work for you?”

“Definitely.  Just as long as you’re going to be with us.”

“Of course.  My family goes to Craig’s a lot.  The owner’s an old friend.  You’ll definitely be seen, but not mobbed.”

“Sounds good.”

They made small talk about what they had each been doing for the last month or so.  When it started to cool off, they went inside to watch TV in the living room.

Harry got a phone call from Louis on his cell phone.  Wanting to give Harry some space, Jeff used it as an excuse to clean up their empty drinks.  He took the glasses back to the kitchen and put them into the sink.    

Jeff came back to the room, but paused at the door when he could hear Louis yelling through the phone.  He wasn’t sure if he should come in or leave again, so he stayed just inside the doorway to wait.

“Are you fucking kidding me?  You’re going to ‘date’ Kendall Jenner?  I thought we agreed that you wouldn’t do this again after Tay-whore!”

“Please don’t call Taylor that.  She didn’t do anything wrong.  You know I hate it when you do that.”

“You know I hate it when you date other people!”

“But I’m not really dating her.  You _know_ that.”

“But people will _think_ you are dating her.  I hate that.  I thought you were _my_ boyfriend.”

“Well people have been thinking you’ve been ‘dating’ Eleanor for years.  How do you think I feel about that?”

“You know why I need a beard, Harry!  Fucking come on.”

“No – I asked you a question.  Have you ever really considered how I feel about you being ‘loved up’ with Eleanor?”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Harry, Eleanor’s been around forever.  I still don’t want you to date that Kardashian trash.”

Harry realized that now that he had started to see Louis differently, so many things he’d been okay with before were actually awful.  He had stood quietly by while Louis held hands and kissed Eleanor in front of him.  Meanwhile Louis got pissy every time a new article came out linking Harry to a woman.  Harry did everything he could to make Louis trust him, but maybe Louis should have been the one trying to earn Harry’s trust. 

“No.  I don’t think you get a say anymore Louis.”

“Well fuck you, then!  Fuck you and that fucking Jeff Azoff!  Fuck both of you!”  And he hung up.

Jeff shifted uncomfortably at the doorway.  He hadn’t meant to overhear the end of their conversation, but he couldn’t ignore the look on Harry’s face.

“Harry.  Are you okay?”  Jeff’s concern was evident.

“I don’t know.  It’s like this all the time now.”  They were both quiet for a moment.

“Do you love him?” Jeff asked quietly.

“Honestly, Jeff, I don’t know if I still love him, or if I just love the idea of us.  Two closeted gay boybanders.  Us against the world.  There are so many young kids who are struggling with their sexuality that have been inspired by us.  There are massive fan pages dedicated to us being together.  How can I let them all down?”

Jeff sat down next to him.  “Harry, there comes a point where you have to acknowledge that you can’t possibly do it all.  People have been inspired and that’s a wonderful thing.  But you can’t do much for them shoved into a closet, and you can’t do much for them if you are miserable yourself.  In the end, there’s only one question that really matters:  Are _you_ happy?”

The weight of everything came crashing down on Harry.  It all finally overwhelmed him and he put his head in his hands.  The tears poured down his face, silently at first, and then with great, wrenching sobs.  Jeff didn’t speak, and he didn’t leave.  He just moved a little closer to Harry, giving him support, but also space to grieve.  After the tears started to slow down, Jeff pulled a hankie from his pocket and offered it to Harry.

“A hankie?  Who carries a hankie any more, Jeffrey?”  Harry began to giggle through his tears.

Jeff laughed, too.  Harry was surprised to notice that Jeff’s eyes were red-rimmed as well.  “Well, it was my grandmother’s.  She always had some with her.  I keep one in my pocket to remember that there’s always someone there to comfort me.  I thought maybe you could use that comfort now, too.”

Their eyes met for what seemed like several minutes, but was likely just a few seconds.  Harry realized he probably looked awful – red, puffy eyes, snot running down his face.  He shifted away from Jeff and said, “I could use a drink right now!  That’s what I could use.”

“Then let’s go get you one.”  Jeff stood up and offered his hand to Harry.

Harry wasn’t completely sure, but he didn’t think the hand was the only thing Jeff was offering.      

 

X-X

 

Louis tweeted out “Fuck you bitches!!!!!” but quickly deleted it.  The team members responsible for monitoring the boys’ social media quickly tweeted out from Eleanor’s account that Louis had been hacked.  They worked to clean it up, but it was still a mess.  Louis had always been a bit of a loose cannon that way.

Harry went to Craig’s with Kendall and Jeff the following night.  Jeff had been right, Kendall was a very sweet girl.  She didn’t really understand Harry’s humour, but she was kind and agreeable.  It had been a good evening.

They had ads to film and various promo to do the following day.  Harry met Jeff for supper at Craig’s again the next night. 

“So what do you think about Kendall?”

“I think she’s a very nice girl.  If she likes me, then I think we can make this work.”

Jeff looked relieved and happy.  He gave Harry a crinkly-eyed smile.

“So the big One D Day tomorrow, hey?”

“Yeah.  A seven hour live stream of sheer awkwardness.  But it’s promo.  Louis’ really on edge about it.  I just hope he doesn’t lash out at some point.  I’m kind of worried about it to be honest.”

“But there’s a slight delay built in, right?  Even the NFL have a delay built in since the Janet Jackson thing.”

“Yeah.  We do, thank goodness.”

“I’ll try to watch some of it from the office – should be entertaining.” 

Harry went back to the hotel that night.  He crawled into bed, and listened to Louis complain about the restrictions they were going to have all day.  Harry wasn’t happy about the restrictions either, but being angry about it just meant that he would give the fans watching a poor experience.  He just wished Louis would settle down so that they could get a full night of sleep.  It didn’t look like that was going to happen.

 

X-X

 

One D Day was predictably tense.  Harry tried to have fun and enjoy himself.  They had so many technical difficulties though, and Louis was done with the day before it even began.  He hoped they still had put on a decent show for the fans.

They got to sing Little Things late in the day.  It was bothering Harry that Louis was looking so sad and tense.  Little Things had always been “their” song.  So when the song started, Harry pulled out his in-ear radio earpiece so he wouldn’t have to hear the control room freaking out.  He sang every damn word from his heart, and he sang them all to Louis.  He knew he would hear about it later, but there wasn’t anything anyone could do while the Livestream was running.  It was worth every harsh word he would hear later to see the look on Louis’ face.

 

X-X

 

The AMA’s were the next day.  Harry’s gesture during Little Things had pleased Louis greatly.  So when Giuliana Rancic interviewed them on the red carpet, of course Harry said he would be celebrating by going to bed and having a quiet night.  Complete with raised eyebrows to Louis.

Everyone was milling around inside after the red carpet, and Harry was surprised to spot Jeff.  He should have realized Jeff would be there, as a lot of his clients would be there too, but he was pleased all the same.  He left the group and gave Jeff a big hug.  They talked for a few minutes and then Harry went back to the other 4 guys.

Pleased Louis was gone, and replaced with Petulant Louis.  Harry could tell by the way that he was moving around, that Louis was upset about something.  Harry sighed inwardly.  It was going to be a long night.

Harry and Louis started the evening sitting next to each other.  They performed Story of My Life, and Harry missed one of his notes.  Louis tried to reach out to him as he was walking back into position, but he was still too upset with himself to notice.  Louis was even more agitated when they sat back down. 

“Disappointed you screwed up in front of your new buddy?” Louis hissed at him during a break.

Harry was confused.  Then he realized Louis was referring to Jeff.  “Don’t do this here, Lou.  Not here, not now.”

Louis glared at him, and during the next commercial break, he had all of the boys move down one spot and sat at the opposite end from Harry.  Harry was annoyed at the petty gesture.  Maybe he wouldn’t go home after all.

They mingled with the other attendants back stage after the awards were over.  Jeff found Harry and asked him if he wanted to attend the informal CAA party with him.  “Sure, I’m not doing anything else tonight.”

 

X-X

 

By the time Harry and Louis made it back to London, they had both cooled off.  Harry knew that they needed to have an actual conversation about what was going on, but he just couldn’t bring himself to start it.  So they carried on with a polite distance between them.

They had more promo, interviews, and a guest spot singing on Saturday Night Live in New York.  Kendall traveled from LA to be seen with Harry.  They had more interviews and promo in Spain and Italy.  They were all exhausted.

Kendall traveled to London, Harry did his ridiculous leaving-her-hotel at 2am pap walk.  These stunts were so humiliating and embarrassing, but effective.  It was actually very little work on his part, but he still hated what it implied about himself.  Even if he had been straight, he would not have been the kind of person to use others that way.  But it was part of the game that he had to play.

He got home from “Kendall’s hotel” to find Louis up and smoking a joint on their patio.  Harry sat down in the chair beside him.  They sat in silence together for a few minutes.

“It’s not working is it.”  It wasn’t even a question; Louis just stated it quietly.

“No.”  Harry felt defeated and horrible and devastated.  He still knew it was the right thing to do.

“I’m sorry, Haz.  I wish we had met each other under different circumstances.”

“Me, too, Louis.  But we didn’t, did we?”

“No.  Are you going to be okay working together?”

“I’ll always love you, Louis.  Just because we couldn’t make it work, that doesn’t mean that I don’t like you, and it doesn’t mean that what we had wasn’t important to me.”

“I’ll always love you, Harry.  ‘Always in my heart’, remember?”

“Yeah.  You’ll always be in my heart, too.”

They hugged and cried together and made love that night for the last time.  The next morning, Harry moved out.

 

X-X

 

The days leading up to Christmas were bittersweet for Harry.  The worst part of no one officially knowing that he and Louis were together was that he had no one to talk to now that they were over.  He spent a lot of time with his family, and with Grimmy.   Basically he just tried to keep busy so that he wouldn’t have to think about it.

He and Louis were both sad for the filming of the video for Midnight Memories, but it was easier to see each other than Harry thought it would be.  The friendship that they had wasn’t the same any more, but Harry hoped that they could get back there one day.

Harry went home to Holmes Chapel to spend the holidays with his family.  On Christmas Eve, he made sure he was seen out at the pub there with friends for as long as possible.  He wasn’t up to reading all about how no one had seen him the night of Louis’ birthday.  The Louis’ birthday twitter trends from a few years previously might just break his heart all over again if he had to see them. 

He loved his family so much.  They were so understanding and supportive.  His mom made him his favourite meals, Robin made sure he spent lots of time just being there for Harry, and Gemma just tried to make him laugh.  They understood he needed space, but also knew him well enough to know when he didn’t. 

A couple of days after Christmas, he heard from Jeff again.

“Hey, Harry.  Season’s greetings.”

“Yeah.  Happy Hannukah, Jeffrey.”

“Ha!  Thanks.  Remember I mentioned going skiing at Mammoth with Kendall and some other friends?  Still up for that?”

“Yeah, I am.  My flight is booked for New Year’s Day.  I’m really excited to go.”

“Yeah?  Me, too.  I’ll pick you up and we’ll go for supper, okay?”

“That sounds great, Jeff.  See you then.”

 “I’m looking forward to seeing you.  Take care of you first, okay?”

As Harry and his family rang in the New Year quietly together, Harry’s only resolution was to have a better year than the last one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp. I made it through the messiness that was Oct-Nov-Dec. “Harry” is single now. Hmmm…


	7. January 2014 - Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Everyone has a 'Titanic for the first time' face."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **I added sex warnings. You know what that means! (And it’s not actually global warming. It’s the force of my blush being felt from space!)**

Harry was delighted to see both Irving and Cam in the vehicle when Jeff picked him up from the airport.  They had a wonderful supper out together, and Harry was so glad that he’d decided to come to LA for part of the break.  He also realized he hadn’t even asked Jeff if he would be staying at his house, they had both just assumed he would. 

Harry went to bed early to catch up on his sleep after the jet lag.  He woke up to sunshine and birds singing the following morning.  LA weather truly was one of the best things about the city.

Jeff and Harry went for a round of golf that morning.  It was a rarity, but no one asked for Harry’s picture at all. 

That afternoon, Harry asked Jeff if he could cook supper, and then sent Jeff off with a list of ingredients to pick up.

Jeff came home with the food, and several bottles of wine.  They both drank and chatted while Harry made supper.  It made him feel good to do something for Jeff, and cooking had always brought him joy.

He realized he was feeling a little tipsy after supper, but he didn’t have anywhere to go or have to be.  He just wanted to celebrate and enjoy an evening free from stress or obligations.

“Jeffrey!  How about we get in the hot tub!”

“Okay, Harold.  Yes, let’s get in the hot tub.  I’ll put on my suit and meet you out here.  I’m going to grab some plastic glasses for the wine, too.”

They sat and watched the lights over LA together.  It was such a good day.

“So, really.  How are things?  You doing okay?”

“I don’t know.  I mean, a lot of the reasons I had for being in the closet are gone if Louis and I aren’t together… so I don’t know where I go from here.”

“Have you ever thought about a soft outing?  Just living in an open closet?  Never confirming or denying?”

“I don’t know.  I’ve buried so much of myself by playing this game for all these years.  I don’t know if I would know how to be ‘out’.”

“You can always change that, you know.”

“I can’t change, Jeff.”  Harry pointed to the tattoo on his wrist.

“Okay.  But have you ever really asked yourself: _why not_?  There’s nothing to lose and everything to gain by being who you really are.  I’m not talking about announcing ‘I’m gay’ on stage.  I just mean… you’re one of the most interesting people I’ve ever met.  You genuinely don’t care what people think about you.”

“Great, thanks” Harry replied sarcastically.

Jeff bumped his shoulder with Harry’s.  “You know what I mean.  You don’t mind being silly.  You don’t take yourself too seriously.  It’s really cute.”

“Cute?  Like kittens and puppies cute?”  Harry teased.

Jeff blushed, “You know what I mean.  You don’t really get embarrassed easily.  You’re not afraid of what people think about you.  It’s inspiring.”

Harry couldn’t quite explain why, but it was very important to him that Jeff found him inspirational.  “Well then I’ll take it as a compliment.  Thanks, Jeffrey.”   

Harry felt a warmth growing in his stomach.  Jeff had been so good to him, and so supportive.  Harry didn’t think he’d felt this comfortable and happy around anyone in a long time.  It didn’t hurt that Jeff was very easy on the eyes.  Harry loved to make him smile, just to see the way the laugh lines appeared around his eyes.

Some of what he was thinking must have shown on his face.  Jeff’s smile faded, and a burning intensity took its place.  Jeff reached out to Harry at the same time as Harry moved towards him. 

Jeff’s hand went to the back of Harry’s neck as their lips met, and his fingers tangled in Harry’s hair.  God, Harry had been wanting this, he just hadn’t realized how badly until now.  Harry kneeled on the hot tub floor between Jeff’s legs and pushed him back against the edge.  Harry pressed his chest to Jeff’s.  Harry knew he was already hard, and felt a little smug and relieved to find out that Jeff was, too.  Harry’s hands explored as much of Jeff’s chest as he could, as they both got lost in deep, wet, open-mouthed kisses. 

Harry’s hands went down to Jeff’s thighs, and he heard Jeff make a low murmur of pleasure in the back of his throat.  He didn’t think it was possible, but the noise took his arousal to new heights.  He wanted to hear that noise again. 

Jeff’s hands explored Harry’s back, soft and teasing at times, then his fingers would dig in and pull Harry closer.  His hands were moving progressively lower on Harry’s back, and Harry leaned back into his touch.  When he finally did slide his hands under the back of Harry’s swimsuit to grab his ass, Harry’s breath caught in his mouth.  He felt more than heard Jeff’s resultant chuckle.  Two could play at that game.

Harry pushed back slightly against Jeff’s chest, and his hand went down into Jeff’s shorts.  He grabbed his cock and sighed into Jeff’s mouth.

Suddenly, Jeff went still.  He pushed Harry away from him a little, and said, “Harry.  Wait.  Not here. Not like this.  You’re drunk.  I can’t.”

It took several moments for the words to register in Harry’s brain.  He took a few gulps of the cool night air.  Jeff was saying no.  He had to get himself under control.  He moved across to the other side of the hot tub to give himself some space.  His heart was pounding.

“You are so fucking hot, Harry.  ARGH!  Why did I do that!”  Jeff leaned his head back and closed his eyes.

“Do you mean why did you do that with _me_?”  Harry couldn’t help but feel a little insecure at the moment.  Jeff had said no.  He had said no.

Jeff pulled his head up and looked straight at Harry.  “No, Harry.  Absolutely not.  I’ve wanted to do that for a long time.  I just don’t want it to be like this.  When we go that far, I want it to be with clear, open eyes.  I want to know that you want it because you want me, not because I’m the closest gay man to you.”

“It’s not like that, Jeff.  I don’t just go for the closest gay man.”  Harry was feeling hurt and confused. 

“I’m sorry, I chose the wrong words.  I shouldn’t have said that, I think I’m still a little out of it.  I want _you_ , Harry.  More than I think I’ve ever wanted anyone.  I’ve thought about this so many times.  You have no idea how many times, in how many inappropriate situations, I’ve thought about having you.  No, Harry.  I want you.  I just need to know that you want me the same way.”

Harry appreciated what Jeff was saying.  He was sure that when he thought it over later, he would even agree with him.  But right now…

Harry climbed out of the hot tub and dove into the adjacent pool.  God, the cold water hurt, but it also helped.  He resurfaced to find Jeff climbing out of the tub as well.  His erection was still very apparent at the front of his shorts, which just made Harry more frustrated.

“Want to watch a movie and cuddle on the couch?”

Harry was surprised at the question.  But if it meant that he could touch Jeff again, then yes, absolutely he wanted to watch a movie.  Any movie.  All the damn movies.

Jeff handed him a towel as he climbed out of the pool.  Jeff must have seen something in Harry’s eyes, because he leaned in and gave Harry a quick peck on the mouth.  Then he smiled his crinkly-eyed smile at Harry, the bastard.

“I’m just going to change into some sweats and then I’ll meet you in the TV room, okay?”

Harry tried to get Jeff interested again, he really did.  But every attempt he made at rekindling their earlier moment was met by an affectionate block by Jeff.  Eventually Harry gave up and began to enjoy the comfort of just being held again.  Jeff lay behind Harry, with his arms wrapped around him, and Harry’s arms over Jeff’s.  It was getting late, and Harry was tired, but it felt so good to lie there with Jeff.  He barely noticed what was on the TV. 

Jeff’s breathing began to deepen, and Harry’s did as well in response.  He turned his head slightly to give Jeff a kiss on the shoulder, and then he drifted off to sleep.          

 

X-X

 

Harry awoke in Jeff’s bed.  He barely remembered it, but in the middle of the night Jeff had woken them up and dragged Harry with him to bed.  He looked up to find Jeff watching him already.

“Good morning, sleepy head.”

“Good morning to you, too.  Tease.”

Jeff laughed.  It was a deep, happy sound.  It was contagious; soon they were both giggling and holding each other tight.  Jeff went to kiss Harry, but he pulled back. 

“No!  I probably have dragon breath!  Let me go brush my teeth!”

“Don’t care, babe.”  It was a long, soft, sweet kiss that had them both trying to catch their breath when it was over.

“So what do you want to do today?” Jeff asked.

“This.” Harry replied, gesturing to the bed with his head.

Jeff just smiled.  “Yeah, that sounds good.  Want some toast for breakfast?  We can lie here and binge watch Breaking Bad or something like that.”

So that is exactly what they did.

 

X-X

 

Harry was sure he’d never been so sexually frustrated in his life.  They spent the entire day in bed together, touching and talking and kissing and laughing.  Every time he tried to take it further, Jeff pulled back and slowed things down again.  Harry wasn’t sure why Jeff was keeping him at a distance, but he was almost ready to beg.

Harry tried again to draw Jeff in with another kiss.  This time when he broke it off, Harry flopped back on the bed.

“Jeffrey.  You are _killing_ me.  Seriously, I can’t take the teasing!  Why are you doing thi-i-i-i-s.” He finished in a fake, whiny cry.

All he got in return was a crinkly-eyed smile.

“Gah!”  Harry threw a pillow at him and rolled over onto his stomach on the bed, pretending to throw a tantrum by kicking his feet and pounding the bed with his fists.  When he stopped, he looked up at Jeff and smiled.

Jeff lay down beside him.  He touched Harry’s cheek, and ran his hand along his temple, tucking a curl behind his ear.  He leaned down and kissed Harry’s mouth, his cheek, his ear.  Harry’s breath caught in his throat.  He made a move to get up, but Jeff put a hand on his back, indicating he wanted him to stay the way that he was.  Harry waited.

Jeff just stared at him for a while, while he kept running his hand from Harry’s cheek to behind his ear and back again.  Without warning, he pulled his own shirt off and lifted his hips to pull his pants off as well.  Damnit, Harry was excited.  When Jeff settled back in beside Harry again, he went back to the rhythmic touching.  He started running his hand down Harry’s back as well.  It was both relaxing and a huge turn on.  Without even noticing that he was doing it, Harry’s hips started to move against the bed as he ground himself against the sheets. 

Jeff gently reached down and pulled Harry’s shirt up.  They giggled a bit as Jeff had trouble getting it off of Harry in the position he was in.  All of Harry’s skin was tingling, from his toes to his temples. 

Jeff moved to the foot of the bed and pulled Harry’s pants down and off.  They were both finally naked.  Harry had a moment of panic when he heard Jeff leave the room briefly, but settled back down.  Jeff wouldn’t leave him there naked and horny?  Would he?

Jeff lay down again and snuggled in close to Harry’s side.  He started kissing him, softly at first, but then his mouth became more demanding.  He pulled away for a second, dragging a groan from Harry’s mouth.

Jeff had grabbed a bottle of massage oil from his bathroom.  He’d been keeping it under his body for the last few minutes to warm it up.  He opened it up and started to drizzle some on Harry’s back.

Even with the additional warmth from Jeff’s body, Harry still hissed as the oil hit his already sensitive skin.  Jeff chuckled at his reaction.

“Sick bastard,” Harry told him affectionately.

“You love it.”  God, did he ever.

Jeff closed the bottle and started to rub the oil over Harry’s back and shoulders.  He dragged his fingernails lightly across Harry’s back.  Harry jumped at the sensation.  He leaned over and kissed Jeff again.  There was no tenderness in this one, just pure, raw heat.

To Harry’s great displeasure, Jeff pulled away again.  Harry tucked his chin to his chest while he groaned loudly into the mattress beneath him and gripped his fists.  Jeff just laughed again, and got more oil.  This time he drizzled it low on Harry’s back.  Harry stilled.  He could feel the oil work its way down between his cheeks as Jeff dripped more on him.

Soon Jeff’s hand was on him, massaging the oil all over him.  His cheeks, the crease where his thighs met his ass, and down his crack. Harry’s cock twitched against the bed.  He was worried he was going to come just from the pressure of his body, he was that turned on.

Jeff ran his fingers down Harry’s crack and stopped at his hole.  He pressed one finger lightly against Harry and left it there.  Harry started out very still, but slowly started to push back against Jeff’s finger as his excitement intensified.  He felt a slight burn as Jeff’s finger entered him.  Harry started to breathe harder.  After the initial burn it started to feel so good.  He could feel Jeff pushing slowly into him, and god, it was amazing.  Jeff pulled back out and Harry felt a brief sense of loss and emptiness.  The feeling was quickly replaced as Jeff slowly pushed two fingers inside of Harry.  It was a fine line between pain and pleasure, and it was amazing.

“Harry, you’re so tight.” Harry hadn’t realized how turned on Jeff was as well until he spoke.  Knowing that made the feelings even more intense.  Harry saw stars behind his eyelids.

“Please, Jeff.  I’m going to come.” The words were out of Harry’s mouth before he even realized he was going to say them.  He pushed back against Jeff’s fingers even harder, and lifted his bottom off the bed.

“No.  I want to see your face.”  Jeff’s voice was ragged and harsh in the quiet of the room.  He flipped Harry over on his back, and Harry pulled him down on top of him.

Harry heard Jeff’s sharp intake of breath as their skin touched.  Harry couldn’t get enough of touching him.  Jeff pulled away again, and kneeled while he put the condom on.  He poured more oil over Harry and pushed Harry’s knees up to his chest.

“You sure you’re okay with this?”

“Jeff, I swear to god, if you don’t do something soon I’m going to go insane.  Certifiably sex insane.”

Jeff laughed, and Harry did, too.  It calmed them both just enough.  Jeff spread his cheeks with one hand and gently placed himself at Harry’s opening with the other.  He pushed in just a little bit, and waited for Harry to adjust to the sensation.  No matter how much preparation he had had, it still hurt at first.  The pain faded to a slow burn, and Harry started to move against Jeff’s cock.  God it felt good.  Jeff lay down on top of him and kissed him.  They started to move against each other.  Jeff reached between them to grasp Harry in his hand.  It was too much.

With a low moan, Harry came all over his stomach.  Jeff wasn’t far behind him.  He collapsed on top of Harry and they lay there together, both breathing hard. 

After a few minutes, Jeff shifted his weight off of him.  He gently pulled out and kissed Harry on the nose.  Harry just gave him a drunken smile.

“Let’s go take a shower and then swim in the pool.”

“Do I need to go get my swimsuit?”  He thought his smile would split his face in two.

 

X-X

  


“How about this one?”

It was the next morning.  They had swum naked together under the moonlight.  They had kissed.  They had touched.  In the wee hours of the morning, Jeff gathered Harry up to his chest and they had both fallen asleep.

Now it was morning and they were in Jeff’s bed.  Harry was discussing the meaning behind all of his tattoos. 

“I lost a bet with Cal.  He said that the Packers would win, and I thought they would lose.  So I bet that if they did win, I would get a tattoo.  The funny part is that I wasn’t going to be able to be tattooed after the game, so I trusted him that they would win.  So I got the ink done first, and then they lost the game!”

Jeff laughed along with Harry.  Harry had been worried that Jeff would be upset about the tattoos that Harry had gotten with Louis.  He still wasn’t sure himself how he felt about those tattoos, but erasing them or covering them wouldn’t erase the feelings that he had.  Louis had been such an important part of his life for so long.  His skin felt like a living diary of his life experiences, and there were none that he regretted.

“And this one on your wrist?”  He pointed at the _I Can’t Change_ tattoo. 

“It’s a lyric from a song that we heard at Leeds.  It’s about a young gay man that feels trapped.  Seemed appropriate.”

Jeff gave him a sad smile.  “And the _Things I Can_ and _Things I Can’t_?”

“Same kind of sentiment.  It’s also kind of a play on words.  Like, you can’t change your skin once it’s been tattooed, so all of my tattoos go on the _Things I Can’t_ arm.  It’s also all the things that I literally can’t change.  My family.  My friends.  Who I am,“ he explained.  “I don’t think I’ll ever really be free.”

 “Maybe there are things you _can_ change.  Have a little faith, babe.”

Maybe there were things he could change.  Maybe he could close that chapter of his life.  For the first time in a long time, Harry was hopeful that he wouldn’t always feel so trapped.  He kissed Jeff, and they fell back into the bed together.   

 


	8. January 2014 - Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Eating toast in the shower is the ultimate multitask."

The trip to Mammoth went better than Harry had ever thought that it would.  He had always loved skiing, Kendall was really easy-going, and he and Jeff got to spend their nights together.

Kendall surprised Harry by picking up on the change in the chemistry between him and Jeff almost immediately. She was so happy for them, that she was more than willing to help them have alone time together. Harry wasn’t used to being able to be open about his relationship, but he realized that Kendall had as much to lose by telling people about Jeff as Harry did himself. She could hardly be “dating” him if he was with another man, now could she?

It was the happiest Harry had been in a very long time. Jeff was sweet and attentive. He understood Harry’s humour, and was adding more of his own jokes the more time that they spent together. Harry was sure he’d pulled a muscle in his side from laughing so hard.

The group was back in Harry’s suite in the hot tub that night. It was just off the room on the open deck, and snowflakes were falling as they sat and drank under the winter sky.

Harry leaned back against the edge of the hot tub and closed his eyes. He felt the cool snowflakes on his face and the warmth of the water around his body. He was so content, he could lie there forever.

He started a bit when he felt Jeff’s hand on his thigh. He lifted his head to find Jeff staring at him. Everyone else had left – when had that happened? He gave Jeff a lazy smile in return.

“Hey.”

“Hey yourself.”

“I thought I’d lost you there for a few minutes. You okay?”

“I think so. Just thinking.”

Jeff moved so that he was right against Harry’s side. “Thinking about what?”

“How lucky I am.”

Jeff’s smile got wider. “You are?”

“Yeah. I mean, I have a really great life. Here am I, in a beautiful place, in a hot tub with a really hot guy, and I feel like I’m free for the first time. If someone had told me a few months ago that I would feel this way now, I don’t think I would have believed them.”

“You _can_ be free you know. Things change in life all the time.”

“I’ve just never thought that things _could_ change before though, you know?”

They were both quiet for a moment, and then Jeff said, “Did you never talk about this with Louis? I mean, about what would happen if you were to come out?”

Jeff never brought up Louis. It just wasn’t something Harry and Jeff talked about. “Well, yeah. I mean, we talked about what life would be like when One Direction was over. Plans far in the future, that kind of thing. He was just so against coming out. Louis was so afraid all of the time of being outed, but angry about being in the closet, too.”

Jeff still said nothing, so Harry continued, “I was ready. I’ve been ready since the beginning. But Louis just didn’t think things could change. He focussed a lot on the homophobia, and not on the acceptance from people who supported us. It was exhausting.”

Jeff rubbed his hand on Harry’s thigh in a comforting gesture. “I guess I can’t say much. I’m still technically in the closet. I’ve just never had a reason to ‘come out’, so I think I’ve just never worried about it too much.”

“Yeah. I just accepted that there were things that I couldn’t change after a while. Louis got tired of hearing about it, so I quit talking about it.”

“Were your families supportive?”

“Mine were… they still are. They’ve known since the beginning. I’m really lucky to have them.”

“And Louis’?”

Harry sighed. How could he tell Jeff about this? It felt almost like he was being disloyal to Louis. “Well… a lot of his family don’t know that Eleanor is a fake girlfriend. And Louis’ mom is still hoping it’s just a phase. He doesn’t talk about me much with them, and we never spent time with them.”

Jeff waited a beat and then said, “Fuck, Harry. That must have been awful.”

All Harry’s frustrations and shame came flooding back. “Yeah, it was. He kept our life together so separate from his family, and these are the people that matter the most to him. I always wondered if he was ashamed of me.” He gave a sad laugh.

Jeff was quiet again, and Harry started to feel a little panicked. Would Jeff be embarrassed about him as well? But before he could get himself really worked up, he looked over at Jeff’s face.

It was an expression he’d never seen on him before. Jeff was angry. Really, truly angry. “Harold Edward Styles. No one – no one! – should make you feel ashamed of who you are. You are an amazing person. Louis has no idea how badly he fucked up when he lost you.”

Harry gave him a wavering smile. “Thanks Jeffrey Irving Azoff. I appreciate it.” He swallowed and looked away.

“We need better nicknames for each other you know.” Jeff teased, lightening the mood.

“Well, I don’t think our initials are good enough. I can’t go around calling you ‘J’ and you calling me ‘H’.”

“No. I don’t think that will work. But you do kind of remind me of a Hershel instead of a Harry.”

Harry giggled. “Yeah? Why’s that?”

“Because you’re sweet like chocolate.” Jeff wiggled his eyebrows.

“Well, what can I call you? …Jack? …Jacob? …James?”

“No, I think it needs to be something more unique than those, don’t you?”

Harry thought back to the Sarah Slean songs he’d downloaded since his last visit with Jeff.

“How about Jerome?”

“Jerome? I like that.” And the names stuck.

 

X-X

 

Later on, in the darkness of their shared room, Harry was lying awake thinking about their earlier conversation. He’d woken up when Jeff changed positions and had stayed awake after that.

He hadn’t realized how much hurt he’d buried over his years with Louis. There was always an excuse why they couldn’t see Louis’ family. It had all made sense to Harry at the time, but now that he was thinking about it, he realized how flimsy the excuses were. Louis didn’t want to upset his grandfather… His sisters were too young to be trusted with the truth… How could he explain Harry’s presence when they weren’t officially “living together” anymore… It was easier for Louis to travel separately… The reasons went on and on.

Jay hadn’t made it easier. She had been extremely pushy about Eleanor, especially on social media. She tweeted Eleanor from her account, from Louis’ account as well, and mentioned her constantly. She claimed that it was because she didn’t want Louis to have to do it. Harry was realizing that there was a third option she could have chosen – do nothing. It hurt him deeply that Louis never told his mother to stop, even when he saw how it was affecting Harry.

Harry thought in contrast about the Azoffs. They had opened their home to him. They knew he was gay, and it didn’t matter to any of them.   They knew Jeff was gay, and didn’t try to change him. It was an eye-opening experience for Harry. Was this what it felt like to be accepted by people you weren’t related to? People who weren’t obligated to love you?

He looked over at Jeff. He was curled on his side, facing towards Harry. He looked so cute while he was sleeping, his chest rising and falling slowly. Jeff’s fingers were touching Harry’s shoulder, almost as if he needed to be sure that Harry was there before he could sleep. A wave of affection washed over Harry. He truly was lucky, and he didn’t think Jeff even realized how much he’d already changed his life.

Harry kissed Jeff’s hand by Harry’s head. When that didn’t disturb Jeff, Harry kissed him again. He kissed his way up his arm until he reached Jeff’s chest. He was still asleep. Harry was suddenly feeling frisky. He wondered, how far he could go before Jeff would wake up?

He kissed his way down Jeff’s chest as he shuffled himself carefully down the bed. He was glad that Jeff slept naked like himself. He reached Jeff’s groin, and reached up with a hand to touch Jeff’s cock. Almost immediately it hardened in response. Jeff sighed deeply, but didn’t wake up. So far so good.

Harry held him gently in his hand as he touched his tongue to Jeff’s cock near the base. He slowly licked his way up the shaft, pausing briefly at the tip. Jeff’s breathing was becoming slightly more ragged. Harry flicked his tongue across the tip of Jeff’s cock, and was pleased to hear his sharp intake of breath. He opened his mouth and wrapped his lips around the head. He felt Jeff’s hand reach down and curl into his hair.

“Harry?”

Harry just murmured in response. He opened his mouth a little wider and slowly took more of Jeff into his mouth. He was rewarded with a groan. He closed his mouth tighter when he reached the base and gave a low, satisfied chuckle when he heard Jeff’s gasp. The hand in his hair gripped tighter. Harry began to move up and down his cock, tightening his mouth on the up stroke and releasing on his way back down. Jeff’s sounds of pleasure made him bolder. He pushed Jeff’s hip over so that he was lying on his back. Harry repositioned himself in between Jeff’s legs.

Harry looked up to see Jeff looking back at him. He was definitely awake now. He maintained the eye contact as he moved his hand to position Jeff’s cock straight up from his body. He gave him a wicked smile as he went back down on him. This time though, he wasn’t soft and slow. He was rough and needy, and he could very quickly taste the pre-cum in his mouth as he worked Jeff up and down.

Jeff’s hands had been tangled in Harry’s hair, and now they went still as Jeff tried to pull Harry back. “Harry, babe. I’m going to come. I’m so close.” Harry resisted the pull and increased his pace. Jeff understood his unspoken permission and groaned loudly.

Harry felt Jeff’s balls tighten near his hand around the base of his cock. He felt Jeff twitch as he came in Harry’s mouth in several thrusting spurts. Harry waited until he began to soften before he released him from his mouth, and then he moved up to cuddle into Jeff’s arms.

“Wow. Thank you.”

“Thank you? Seriously?”

“You know what I mean! That was amazing, babe. But... why didn’t you stop when I told you I was going to come?”

Harry was sure Jeff would be able to see his blush even in the dark. He tucked his face into Jeff’s chest. “I dunno. Seemed less messy this way.”

The silence seemed to last for years before Jeff burst out laughing. Harry started to giggle as well as Jeff pulled him in close.  

“My turn to take care of you?”

“No – I just wanted to see how far I could go before you would wake up. I just like getting you off.” He cuddled into Jeff’s embrace.

“Hershel, what did I ever do to deserve you?”

Harry was grinning as he fell asleep, wondering exactly the same thing about Jeff.

 

X-X

 

They returned from Mammoth a few days later. Harry had an appointment at a tattoo artist in a few days and he was still trying to decide what he wanted to get done.

Harry and Louis had always discussed what their next tattoos would be. Louis had been upset when Harry got the rose in the fall, as he was supposed to get an anchor to match Louis’ rope. Harry had started to feel really attached to the idea of an anchor, because it matched his other nautical tattoos. He loved what it symbolised; strength, stability, and holding steady through the roughness of the proverbial seas. It felt very appropriate in his life.

But now that he and Louis were apart? What kind of message would that send?

He realized that he didn’t care what kind of message it sent. He liked the idea, it was his body, and he wanted an anchor. He was ready to cover the “I can’t change” tattoo on his wrist. This seemed to be an appropriate way to honour his past relationship while also freeing himself of one of his restrictive tattoos.

He decided on a Holy Bible to cover the “Things I Can’t”. Faith in a better future would give him the strength to change what he didn’t think he could. He also liked the thought of closing that chapter of his life.

The tattoos took several hours to do. While they were chatting and the tattoo artist was working, Harry perked up as he heard an Eagles song over the sound system playing in the shop. Irving had managed the Eagles forever, and they were even planning on going to a show in a week. A lyric caught his attention, as lyrics tended to do:

_“…crazy laughter in another_

_room and she drove herself to madness_

_with a silver spoon”_

He thought back to the conversation he’d had with Jeff long ago. Silver spoon indeed.

“Do you think we have time for one more tattoo?”

 

X-X

 

Harry was relieved to find that Jeff liked his tattoos. He was strangely shy to show them to him, but Jeff said all the right things and seemed really proud of him for taking a symbolic step forward.

They went for family supper that night at the Azoffs. Irving in particular thought the Silver Spoon tattoo was endearing, especially when he heard it was partially inspired by an Eagles lyric.

Jeff sat down beside Harry at the table after supper and casually put his hand on the back of Harry’s chair. He absent-mindedly started to rub Harry’s shoulder. This had become a familiar gesture for them when they were alone together, but Harry didn’t know how much the Azoffs knew about how their relationship had changed. He froze for a moment, afraid that now things might get weird and awkward.

He could tell that Irving and Shelli had both noticed, but they just gave them a pleased smile and ignored it. Harry shouldn’t have been surprised, but he still was. It was such a shock to his system that he wasn’t paying attention to the conversation for a minute.

Cam chimed in, “Oh god, Jeff. Keep your hands off him. I was asking him a question.”

They all laughed, which erased the rest of the tension Harry had been feeling. They really didn’t have a problem with Jeff dating him. He still couldn’t believe it.

Later on, when they were home together, he said,   “Jeff? I don’t think I can travel back and forth from the UK anymore.”

Jeff looked shocked, and a little hurt. Harry felt a little bad for putting him through this, but he was kind of pleased at his reaction at the same time.

“I want a home in LA so I can be here all the time.”

 

X-X

 

The following days were filled with more laughter and joy. Harry made a few trips out with Jeff and Kendall, just to be seen. He and Jeff had a scrambled egg cooking competition at the Azoff’s one morning for brunch. Harry went swimming with Jack Whitehall’s girlfriend Alexa Chung and Pixie Geldof at their hotel pool, and then they went with Harry, Jeff and Kendall to the Eagles concert the following night.

Jeff had suggested attending the Sundance Film Festival, so of course Harry said yes. Any excuse to spend more time with Jeff in public was a great idea in Harry’s mind. They met some really wonderful people, saw some great films, and ate some wonderful meals.

The morning after they had partied with the cast and crew of “Wish I Was Here”, Harry woke up early. He knew Jeff had drank more than usual the night before, so he didn’t want to disturb him. He slid carefully out of his side of the bed, and grabbed their shared toiletries case in the dark. He felt around for the toothpaste, and started to brush his teeth in the bathroom by the pale light shining through their window.

“Ack!” His unintentional noise of disgust woke Jeff immediately.

“Harry? What’s wrong?” Jeff was disoriented, but concerned as well.

“Gah! Damnit, Jeff. Sorry, it’s nothing. Go back to sleep.”

“No, really, what’s wrong?”

Harry was embarrassed, but it was too funny not to share. “Do you know what feels like a toothpaste tube in the dark but isn’t actually toothpaste?”

Jeff let that sink in for a moment, and then his laughter filled the room. It was almost worth Harry trying to brush his teeth with lube to hear that sound from Jeff. He cleaned his toothbrush, his teeth, and then went back to cuddle with Jeff.

 

X-X

 

It was Jeff’s birthday. Harry was so excited; he’d planned a nice meal at home and had some rough ideas of what he was going to do to Jeff later. He couldn’t actually say, “Happy Birthday, Jeff Azoff” on twitter, but he still wanted to acknowledge it in some way. Hopefully Jeff would appreciate the inside joke. Harry knew what the fandom would think, but he didn’t really care.

_“Unidentified gel in deceivingly small tube does not taste the same as toothpaste. Fact.”_

His phone rang almost immediately. It was Jeff.

“Hello, Birthday Boy!”

Jeff was still laughing so hard he could barely speak, “Hersh! What are you doing? You know what people are going to think.”

“It’s your birthday and I don’t care. It was sneakier than tweeting out ‘Happy Birthday, Jerome’ now wasn’t it?”

“Yes, yes it was. It made me laugh, so thank you for that.”

“What time do you think you’ll be home? I’d like to have supper ready.”

“Could you maybe not start until I get there? I love to watch you cook. You’re so good at it, and watching you relaxes me after working all day.”

Harry was pleased. “It’s a good thing it’s your birthday today, or I might say ‘no’ to that request.”

Jeff laughed as they said good bye and hung up.

 

X-X

 

Harry was starting to rethink “Naked Birthday Supper”. He had an apron on over his front, but when it came to the frying part, it still wasn’t quite enough coverage to make Harry feel completely comfortable. Jeff giggled every time Harry jumped, and the splatter didn’t hurt too much, so he kept going.

Later on, they sat side by side at the table, eating their supper by candlelight.

“Thank you for this, Hersh. It’s perfect.”

“Well, you know my birthday is coming up in a few days. You should take notes.”

“There’s no way I could ever make anything this good. It would be a complete disaster.”

Harry was sure that it wouldn’t be that bad. Even if it tasted like an old boot, he’d love it if Jeff made it for him.

“So… do you have plans for it this year?”

“Kind of, I guess. Ben and James Corden wanted me to go to Jamaica. I haven’t decided yet. They’re staying with Richard Branson on his private island.”

“I love Jamaica. It’s beautiful there.”

Harry hesitated, and then asked, “Would you like to come, too?”

“I would love to, but I just don’t think I could get the time off. I _want_ to be there with you though, does that count?”

Harry was a little bit disappointed, but he shouldn’t really be surprised. They hadn’t been together that long, and it was short notice. He was still a little sad.

“Hey – we’ll celebrate before you leave, okay? I promise.”

Harry mentally shook himself and returned to the moment. It was Jeff’s birthday, and he had more surprises to come.

 

X-X

 

Much later, they lay together on the couch, naked but for a blanket on top of them. They were watching silly, old movies together, and Harry sighed in contentment.

They had finished supper with Harry straddling Jeff, feeding him his birthday cake by hand. Jeff playfully spread cake on Harry’s chest and then licked it off. They made love on the floor, with Harry bent over the table, and up against the wall. Afterwards, they showered together and Harry dropped to his knees and made Jeff come again. They were both worn out and extremely satisfied after they dried off. Instead of putting clothes on, Jeff dragged Harry down to the couch to cuddle.

Jeff’s fingers were absently rubbing along Harry’s arm, and he would drop a kiss on the back of Harry’s head at regular intervals. Harry cuddled back against Jeff as closely as he possibly could.

“Good birthday, Jerome?”

“The best, Hersh.”

Harry left for Jamaica a few days later. Jeff kissed him good bye and they agreed to see each other again in a few weeks. Harry was already sure it was going to be entirely too long for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs mentioned in this chapter:
> 
> Sarah Slean, “Me and Jerome”  
> The Eagles, “Witchy Woman”


	9. February 2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Don't watch TV while chopping vegetables."

Harry woke up on the morning of his 20th birthday to sunshine and the sound of the ocean.  Jamaica truly was beautiful.  He stretched his body, and went to the balcony to breathe in the sea air.

He’d only woken up twice during the night.  His sleeping problems had returned now that he was sleeping alone again.  He hadn’t even realized they had been gone until he was away from Jeff.  Thinking of waking up in bed with Jeff made him sad, but it was his birthday, and he was going to make the best of it.

Corden and Ben greeted him with hugs and birthday greetings.  So did the others in their group.  After breakfast, Ben was adamant that they needed to go for a walk on the beach.  It was a gorgeous morning; the sun was shining, there was a light breeze, and it was such a treat to be on a private island where Harry knew no one would see him.  They walked the entire way around the island.

They all sat down to have coffee on the patio after they got back.  Harry propped his feet up on an adjacent chair and just enjoyed being away from the spotlight.  James was telling another funny story, and Harry was enjoying his friends’ enjoyment.

The conversation suddenly stopped as everyone looked at something behind Harry.  He turned in his chair, and his breath caught in his throat.  He jumped up and ran over to hug Jeff.

“I couldn’t help it.  I had to spend your birthday with you.”  Harry was sure it was the best present he could ever get.

“How did you get here?”

“I flew into Montego Bay on our family’s plane early this morning, and caught a boat out here to the island.  I asked your friends to distract you so you wouldn’t notice the boat coming in.  Good surprise?”

“The best!”  He pulled Jeff in for another hug, while the others looked on fondly.

“I can only stay until tomorrow morning, but I wanted to be here with you today.”

“Sit!  Would you like a coffee?  It’s really good here.  Did you know there are a lot of coffee plantations in Jamaica?”  Harry could feel himself babbling, but he didn’t even care.

Harry couldn’t stop smiling.  Jeff fit in so well with his friends.  Jeff had met Gary Barlow a few years ago, and Ben and James knew the connection the Azoffs had to the music industry.  Of course, Richard Branson had met everyone in his career, so he was glad to catch up on the Azoff family news as well. 

They all drank casually in the sun the whole afternoon.  Supper was amazing, as was the penis-shaped birthday cake that they had made for Harry as a joke.  Harry just laughed; he wasn’t sure he would ever live down that selfie from the X-Factor house.

He and Jeff managed to slip off alone together as it started to get dark.  Jeff sat down near the beach with his back against a tree, and pulled Harry down to sit between his legs.  Harry leaned back against his chest, and Jeff wrapped his arms around Harry.  He dropped his chin on Harry’s shoulder.  They sat quietly for a while, watching the colours along the horizon slowly fade.

“Thanks, Jerome.  This was a wonderful birthday surprise.”

“It’s my pleasure, Hersh.”

Harry thought about how Jeff just seemed to know how to do the right thing.  Harry spent so much time trying to make other people happy, that it always surprised him when someone else thought about what would make him happy.  It meant so much to him; this feeling that he was important to Jeff.  He could feel the happy tears welling up inside of him.

“Hersh?  Are you okay?”

Harry sniffed.  “Yeah, just really happy.  I’m not used to people doing nice things for me…  How pathetic is that?”

Jeff tightened his arms around Harry.  “It’s not pathetic at all.  You’re just the kind of guy that gives so much to everyone else and doesn’t expect anything in return.  In my opinion, it’s the best kind of person to be, but it can also be exhausting.”

Harry could only nod his agreement.

“Besides, this wasn’t totally unselfish on my part.  It’s only been a few days and I’ve already been missing you.”  He kissed Harry’s cheek.

Harry couldn’t believe how lucky he was.  “Hey, do you want to go skinny dipping in the ocean?”

They stripped down and ran into the water.  It was a little cool now that the sun had gone down, but that just gave Harry an excuse to cuddle up to Jeff.  Cuddling turned to kissing, which turned to roaming hands, which turned to mutual contributions of DNA to the ocean. 

After, Harry leaned his forehead against Jeff’s shoulder while waiting for his breathing to return to normal.  He was sure that he hadn’t been this happy in a very long time.

 

X-X

 

Jeff left him the next morning with a quick kiss on the mouth and his standard, “Take care of you first, okay?”  Harry woke up enough to kiss him back, and he smiled as he fell back asleep when the door closed.

A few hours later, Harry woke up again.  He checked his phone for the first time since the day before, and was slightly surprised to see that Louis had called.  He listened to the message.  “Hey, Haz.  Wanted to wish you a happy day today, but I guess you’re out doing something interesting.  Miss you, mate.“  Harry knew Louis well enough to hear the neediness, the disappointment, and the attempted guilt trip in those few simple words.  He just didn’t feel like responding to any of it.

He did feel slightly guilty that Louis didn’t know about Jeff, and then angry with himself for feeling guilty.  Louis didn’t have the right any more to know about what Harry was doing or who he was spending his time with.  So Harry shouldn’t feel badly for keeping this from him.  He intended to tell him the truth one day, but that day didn’t need to be today.

Harry was even more relaxed for his last few days of his vacation.  He went straight back to London from Jamaica and got ready to go back to work. 

Harry was thrilled with the prints he’d ordered from Hayden Kays.  He loved the simplicity of the art, and that there were subtle gay messages throughout.  Harry giggled in particular about the picture that was entirely penises with the caption “My pen is huge”.  He did love a good penis joke.

Another print he loved was an anatomical heart, with the words “WISH YOU WERE HERE” inside of it.  It reminded him of the movie he and Jeff has seen at Sundance, and he loved the sentiment of the picture.  He knew it would definitely be going up in his bedroom when he found a place in LA.

 

X-X

 

Harry met Gemma for lunch the next day.  He sat down at the table where she was waiting. 

Her first words were, “Oh, baby brother.  You’ve got it bad for someone.”

Harry was a little taken aback, but he wasn’t about to spill it that easily.  “No, I don’t.  I don’t know what you’re talking about.”  He could tell Gemma wasn’t buying it.

“Harry.  Please.  I can tell from a mile away that you’re happy now.  I haven’t seen you look this happy for months.  And I know you haven’t been spending time with the someone else that you used to spend time with.”  They were always careful to not mention names or pronouns in public, in case other people were listening to their conversations.

“Well… there kind of is, I guess.”

“Is it that person you’ve been talking about so much about lately?”  He realized that he actually had been talking about Jeff a lot.  The conversation always seemed to go back to something Jeff did or said, or something they had done together.

Harry tried to contain his huge grin, but then gave up entirely.  “Yeah.  I’m really happy.”

Gemma smiled back just as big, and surprised Harry even further by getting up from her chair to hug him.  “You have no idea how good it is to hear that.”

After she sat down again, he said, “I hope you get to visit with each other sometime.  I think you’d get along.  You can bond over your love of me.”

“Yeah, I’ll bet.”  Gemma rolled her eyes.  She knew just how to keep him grounded.

“Seriously, Harry.  I’m happy for you.  It’s been a rough year.  I know you’ve been through a lot.  There are things that have happened that still get me angry.”

“I didn’t know you felt that strongly.”

“You’re my little brother.  I will _always_ be angry with people that hurt you.”  He knew she was serious. She was subjected to a lot of intrusive questions and comments as well, and yet she still loved him.  It meant a lot to him. 

“Thanks, Gem.  I love you, too.”

Gemma smiled at him with all the love in her eyes.  “So _when_ do I get to meet this person?  I hope you aren’t going to keep me waiting long.”

Harry laughed, and they went back to eating their lunch.

 

X-X

 

It was Valentine’s Day and Jeff was in LA working, and Harry was in London.  It sucked.  Harry knew that they were both where they were for work, but it still sucked.  They called and texted each other throughout the day; even more than they usually did.  Harry went out to a club that night with his friends, just so that he didn’t have to sit at home alone.

He got home during the wee hours of the morning.  It was still early evening in LA.  Harry was a little drunk, so he started up his computer and logged into Skype.

 “Hey, Hersh!  I wasn’t expecting to hear from you.”

“I’m a little drunk, Jerome.  What are you wearing?”  He giggled to himself.  Of course he knew what Jeff was wearing because he could see him on the screen.  He just really wanted to use that line.

“Oh my, you _are_ drunk.  Good time tonight?”  Jeff settled down in front of his computer.

“No.  Not at all.  I miss my Jer-Bear.”  Harry made an exaggerated pouty face.  It made Jeff laugh, so mission accomplished.

“I miss you too, babe.  The house is empty without you here.”

“You know what I miss about your house?  I miss doing it in your shower.  I miss doing it in your bed.  I miss doing it in your kitchen, or up against the wall, or in the hot tub, or in the pool, or in your car, or on the couch.  I fucking _miss_ you.”

Jeff’s face was flushed by the time Harry was done.  He could tell that Jeff was moving with his laptop to his bedroom.

“Where you going?”

“To my room.  I want to be comfortable.”

“Oh.  I guess that’s okay.”  He watched Jeff relax onto his bed.

“So… how much _do_ you miss me?”  Harry was very familiar with that grin by now.

“Want me to show you?” Harry leered back.

“Yes, please!”

 

X-X

 

Harry woke up only a few hours later.  His head was pounding, and the doorbell was ringing.  Who on earth would be at his house this early?

It was a delivery person from a nearby restaurant.  The fellow handed Harry a take-out bag of toast, bacon and eggs, and a cups of coffee and orange juice.  He wasn’t sure what was happening, but he was told it was all paid for, including the tip.

He took his food back to his kitchen.  There were a couple of texts from Jeff on his cell phone.

_Morning Hersh.  I thought you could use a nice breakfast to go with your hangover.  : )  Enjoy!_

and

_Talk to you later?  Take care of you first.  Your Jer-Bear_

Holy crap, had he called Jeff “Jer-Bear” last night?  And had he actually gotten off talking to Jeff over Skype?  

He was still so pleased that Jeff thought to send him breakfast, that he sat down and ate the whole meal even though he was feeling queasy.  He had to admit that he was feeling better with food in his stomach.  He also realized that he hadn’t texted Jeff back yet.

_Dearest Jer Bear.  Thank you for the food.  I ate it all and feel better now.  I’m going back to bed.  You’re the best.  Your Hersh._

It was really late at night there, so he wasn’t expecting a reply.  He was surprised when his phone pinged again so soon:

_: )_

He picked up the phone and called Jeff.

“Hiiiiii.”

“Hi yourself.  Feeling a little better?”

“Yeah.  Thank you for the breakfast.”

Jeff just laughed.  “I could tell you wouldn’t be in much shape to make anything for yourself, and I’ve always found that a good breakfast is the best cure for a hangover.”

“Why are you so sweet to me?  And what are you doing up so late?”

“I just wasn’t really very tired after we talked, so I’ve been doing some work.  I hope I didn’t wake you up too early?  I was getting tired, but I wanted to be able to call for breakfast for you myself.”

“You really are the best, Jeff.  I mean that.”

“Well, someone’s got to take care of you, if you won’t do it yourself.”

“Thank you, really.  But I think we should probably both go to bed now?”

“Definitely.  I’m glad you called last night… it was… fun.”  Harry felt himself blushing.  Oh yes, he remembered exactly how much fun it was.

“Good night, Jer-Bear.”

“Good night… er day, Hersh.  Take care of you first, okay.”

It wasn’t the Valentine’s Day that Harry had hoped for, but it ended up being a wonderful February 15th.

 

X-X

 

Harry woke up to a call on his cell phone.  It was a ring tone he hadn’t heard for a while.

“Hello?”

“Hazza!  How are you?”  It was Louis.  Harry could tell almost immediately that he was high.

“I’m good.  How are you?”  He was trying to stall for some time so that he could wake up a bit more.

“I’m great!  Happy days.  Been busy with the Rovers and some song writing with Liam.  How was Jamaica?”

“It was good.  Really relaxing.  We stayed on a private island.”

“That sounds like fun.  Listen, I was just calling to see if you’d like to meet up later?  I need to talk to you.”

“Ummm… yeah, okay.”  He wasn’t sure this was a good idea, but obviously Louis had a reason.

“Same place as usual?  How about 6?”

“Okay, see you then.”

Harry hung up and rubbed his face with his hands.  What was he doing?  He just couldn’t seem to say “no” to Louis.  Old habits died hard.

 

X-X

 

Harry was a few minutes late to the private room in the restaurant they always used when they wanted to go out of the house.  Louis was there already.  He briefly flashed a look of impatience and then smiled at Harry.  It had been a long time since Harry had seen him in person.  Louis seemed thin again. 

“Hi, Louis.  How are you?”

“I’m good, Haz.  Sit down, will you.  I ordered drinks already.”  Normally, Harry would have found that endearing, but now he just found it presumptuous.

“So… how are things?”  Harry felt really awkward.  This had been a bad idea.

“Good, can’t complain.  Just hadn’t seen you for a while, so I wanted to catch up together before we had to be at the Brits next week,” Louis said.  Harry relaxed slightly. 

“Oh.  That’s a good idea.  It would probably be weird otherwise, wouldn’t it?”

Louis looked a little annoyed again. “Nah, man. It’s all good. I’m doing great. I was just worried that you would be uncomfortable.” This irked Harry for some reason, but he decided to drop it.

After the initial awkwardness, they started to talk more like they used to.  It wasn’t quite the same, but it was at least comfortable.

After the meal, Harry got up to leave.  Louis got up, too, and moved closer to him.

“Hazza, I’m glad you came.  I’ve missed you.”  Alarm bells started to ring in Harry’s head.

“Um, yeah.  Me, too.”  He couldn’t think of anything better to say.

Before he realized what was happening, Louis reached up and pulled Harry down for a kiss.  Harry’s initial reaction was to respond out of habit, but quickly every nerve in his body was screaming STOP.

He pulled away, and then actually had to push Louis away from him.  “That’s not a good idea, Louis.  We shouldn’t be doing this.”

“Oh, yeah.  You’re right.  It would just make things complicated, wouldn’t it?”

Harry wasn’t sure what to say, so he just said good-bye and left.  In the car on the way home, he called Gemma.

“What are you up to tonight?  I need to go out.  Don’t ask.”

He needed a shower when he got home, and then went to pick up Gemma to go to the bar.  He texted Jeff because he wasn’t sure he could speak to him.

 

X-X

 

Harry spent the next few nights leading up to the Brits out with friends.  Grimmy was always willing to be seen on the town, and he teased Harry mercilessly when he found out that Harry had a new boyfriend.  Nick seemed to be genuinely happy for him.

Harry got another tattoo.  He was inspired by the Hayden Kays print, and he thought it was clever to have an anatomical heart on his sleeve.  He hoped that Jeff would like it.  He tried to send him a selfie of it, but he knew he wasn’t doing it any justice.

The Brits were really stressful.  Harry was getting a really weird vibe off of Louis all night.  He was acting like they were still together, and Harry couldn’t tell if he was just playing to keep up appearances, or if he really thought that Harry was still his property. 

As Louis drank more at their table, he got louder and louder.  His ‘teasing’ comments about Harry being too good for the band and being a prissy LA boy now were starting to get to Harry.  But they were in public, and he couldn’t say what he wanted to say without causing a scene.

Louis managed to sit beside him during a commercial break.  He said in a low voice, “So is it that Azoff guy?  Are you sucking his cock?  Is he giving it to you on the regular now?  Can he make you come like I can?”  Harry was so shocked that he didn’t even respond.

Their award was coming up soon, but Harry was having a panic attack.  He had to get out of there.  He excused himself with a “Gotta use the loo” comment and just left.  Niall tried to stop him, but he had to leave. 

Nick was backstage, and followed him to the washrooms when he saw the look on Harry’s face.  He found Harry leaning over the sink.

“Harry.  Are you okay?”  Nick’s concern was obvious.

Harry still couldn’t speak. 

“It’s Louis, isn’t it.  I’ll kill that little fucker, just say the word.”  Harry was sure Nick wasn’t kidding.  It helped to calm him down.

“No, it’s okay.  He just said some things to me…”

“I’ve seen him watching you tonight.  You weren’t kidding when we were at the club the other night.  He’s not going to go away quietly.”

Harry sighed and looked at his reflection in the mirror.  He ran some cold water and splashed it on his face.

“Oh shit, Harry.  It’s your award!  You’d better get out there.  Try to act like everything’s normal - you can do this.”

Harry raced up to the stage.  He even managed to direct his “what did we win” question to Louis, but Louis was ignoring him.

The post awards interviews were really painful, and Harry couldn’t wait until he could leave and go home.  He really wanted to talk to Jeff.

 

 X-X

 

The following day Harry, Anne and Robin left for LA.  Harry was so happy his parents were travelling with him.  He didn’t care if it made him a suck – he needed his mommy.  He was also really excited about introducing them to Jeff.

Jeff picked them up at the airport and they headed straight to Jeff’s house.  When they got out of the vehicle, Jeff hugged both Anne and Robin.  Harry smiled to himself; Jeff didn’t know it yet, but he’d already started on the right foot with Harry’s parents.  He came from a family of huggers.

Anne and Robin got the spare room, and Harry just blushed as he moved his things into Jeff’s.  No sense in pretending.  His parents had been fine with Harry moving in with Louis, so they could handle him staying in the same room as Jeff.

Jeff had bought ingredients for supper, so Harry set up to cook.  Jeff helped with whatever he could, while Anne and Robin sat in the kitchen with them and chatted.  Jeff was relaxed, confident, and friendly.  Harry thought his heart was going to burst.

He was so tired that night that Jeff just held him until he drifted off to sleep.  Harry felt like he was home.

 

X-X

 

The following night, the Twists went to the Azoffs for supper.  Both of Jeff’s sisters, his brother-in-law, and Cam were there, too.  The families got along so well, it was almost like they had known each other for several years instead of several hours.  They all stayed up very late, until Harry was falling asleep at the table.  Jeff, Harry, and the Twists left after hugs and kisses were exchanged all around.

Later on that night, Harry was nervous as he brushed his teeth.  He needed to talk to Jeff.  It was important.

“Jerome?”  Harry laid down next to Jeff and turned his body towards him.

“Yes, Hershel?”  Jeff mirrored Harry’s position on his side of the bed.

“Tonight was wonderful.  I’m glad our families got along so well.”

“Me, too.  My parents love you, and I can already tell they love your parents.”

It was the opening he’d been hoping for.  “So… is it just your parents that love me?”  Harry waited.  He was sure he had stopped breathing.  Jeff paused for a long time.

“Harry.  I love you… you’re the first person I’ve ever loved.  Before you came along, most of my relationships with other men were mostly physical.  I’d meet someone, we’d hang out for a few weeks, and then it would fizzle.  Usually around the time that they found out who my family was.  Either they would panic because of how rich and influential we were, or they would start trying to use me for what I could do for them.  You’re one of the first people who doesn’t need my money, who doesn’t need my connections.  You don’t know what that means to me.  To know that you like me for me.”

“But I _don’t_ like you.  I _love_ you!  I’ve wanted to say it for so long… so long!  You’re so good to me.  I love how I feel when I’m around you.  I feel safe when I’m with you.  I _sleep_ when I’m with you.”  He smiled, tears in his eyes.  Jeff was teary as well.  Harry let out a relieved laugh, and Jeff echoed it.

Harry started slowly kissing Jeff.  Tonight was not a night for rushing, even though it had been weeks since they’d been together.  Harry wanted to remember every minute of it.   

He ran his hands over Jeff’s arms, his back, his sides.  They pulled each other close; so close there was barely room to breathe.  Evert touch sent shivers down Harry’s spine.  Every murmur intoxicating.

They finished in each other’s arms, sweaty and satisfied.  Harry had enough time to kiss Jeff’s shoulder before they both fell fast asleep.

If the world had ended that night, Harry wasn’t even sure he would have noticed.


	10. March 2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “A bird pooped on me.”

Louis so rarely went on twitter or tumblr anymore. He’d hated the comments and the theories while he and Harry were together, and now that they had broken up, he hated them even more.

It had always annoyed him when Harry would look at what the fans were saying online. He told Harry that it didn’t matter what people thought of them. What he really meant was that _he_ couldn’t handle reading what they were saying. He was in such a difficult position. He’d always been more camp than Harry, so he’d foolishly agreed to go through media training to “tame the gay”. He’d even agreed to “date” Eleanor to appear more straight. He had let his insecurities be exploited, all for the sake of making money.

He hated the fans that believed that he really was with Eleanor, but he hated himself as well for making them believe that. Some of the fans had realized he was gay, but every mannerism, every look, every comment that they used to prove it made him feel more like a failure. He wasn’t doing a good enough job at being straight, but he was too deep in the lies to come out. He hated what his life had become; never really belonging to either side. He was constantly paranoid about being found out, so he had turned to drugs to deal with the pressure.

At least when he’d had Harry, there had been a reason for all of it. Whenever Louis was sure he could not handle the stress any more, he would remember the plans they had made together. They were going to have a wedding, a home, and a family and be together forever. Harry had always been there for him, always his rock in the middle of the chaos, always ready to listen to Louis. He was so gut-wrenchingly lonely now that Harry was gone. He missed him so fucking much, that even the drugs barely numbed the pain.

Every fan post about their relationship, every theory about where he was and what he was doing with Harry, cut him to the bone. He wasn’t coping with his new reality, so he avoided the internet like the plague.

Today though, he was missing the sight of Harry so badly that he caved and went to some of the bigger tumblr blogs to see what was happening. He felt sick when he saw pictures of Harry, Anne, and Robin out for supper with that fucking Azoff guy. He knew Harry well enough to know that there was definitely something going on between them. His grief turned to anger.

It was bad enough when he and Harry were just broken up. But if Harry had moved on? No. Harry was his, and he needed to get him back. No matter what, he was going to get Harry back.

 

X-X

 

Anne and Robin had a wonderful vacation with Harry and Jeff in LA. The four of them had looked at potential new homes together, and Harry found one that he was going to make an offer on. It meant a lot to him that his parents were there to give him their opinion. He had a feeling he would still be staying with Jeff most of the time, but he felt really good about being able to have a permanent residence in California.

They got to take Anne and Robin to a Kodaline concert, out to some of Jeff’s favourite restaurants, and did some sight-seeing. Everyone had agreed that it was a wonderful break. Big hugs were exchanged between everyone as Anne and Robin were leaving. As she pulled Harry in for one last embrace, Anne whispered into his ear, “I love him. He’s good to you.” She smiled at the tears in his eyes. His mom knew him so well.

Harry was lounging around the house the next day, wearing the ridiculous Lego slippers Jeff had bought for him to keep his feet warm. He couldn’t believe Jeff even remembered the story Harry had told him about Lego parties with Ed Sheeran. It was such a thoughtful gift, and Harry loved them.

He heard his phone ring.

“Liam! How are you?”

“I’m good, Harry. How are you?” Harry knew right away that something was off with Liam.

“I’m really great. This break has been amazing,” he replied. He waited for Liam to continue.

“Well… I need to talk to you about something and you probably won’t like it much.” Harry’s heart sank into his stomach.

“Is it Louis?”

Liam paused, and then said, “He’s not doing well, Harry. He’s talking about you constantly. He’s high a lot more now, too.”

Harry knew he was supposed to feel guilty about that, but he didn’t. “I know, Liam. But that’s not really my problem anymore, is it? He wouldn’t stop when we were together, why would he stop now?”

“I know you can’t do anything, Harry. He’s just so messed up about you. I thought after you broke up that he was going to deal with it fine… but he’s just not.”

“I don’t know what to tell you, Liam. I can’t keep saving him. For my own sanity, I just can’t.”

“I know that too, Harry. That’s not the reason why I called... I called because he and I are coming to LA in a few days to do some song writing.”

Harry let that sink in for a few moments. He knew from Liam’s tone that song writing wasn’t the only reason Louis was coming. “Fuck.”

“I know. He’s already talking about trying to find you. He is sure that if you just spend some time together, you’ll get back together.”

Harry scrubbed his hand over his face and pushed it back through his hair. “Fucking shit, Liam. What a mess. Thank you for telling me though.”

“You know I can’t take sides in this. I love you both like brothers. But I didn’t think it would be fair to you to have him show up on your doorstep.” Harry knew how conflicted Liam was. Liam always just wanted everyone to get along, so the strain was particularly hard on him.

“Liam, I love you. We’ll get through this okay? I don’t want to be in a relationship with him anymore, but we’re still a 1D family. We’ll work it out, alright?”

“I love you, too, Harry. Talk to you again soon, okay?”

“Yeah, thanks, Liam.”

 _Shit fuck fucking shit._ What was he going to do now? He knew that Louis was not coping well. He’d gotten text messages from him fairly constantly since the Brits. Louis had been very sorry for upsetting Harry, had blamed it on the drinking, and a lot of other excuses Harry had heard before. He had replied back at first, but lately he’d been taking longer and longer to get back to Louis. Louis obviously hadn’t taken the hint from that, because he’d started making phone calls. Harry hadn’t answered any of them. He knew that they really needed to talk, but Harry just wasn’t ready for it. He knew it was going to be messy, and it didn’t feel fair to do it from LA.

He also hadn’t told Jeff about what was going on with Louis yet. He justified it to himself by thinking that nothing _really_ bad had happened, and it felt silly to complain about a clingy ex to his new boyfriend. Besides, they were usually having too much fun together for it to come up in conversation. If Louis was coming to LA though…

Harry had supper ready when Jeff got home that night. He knew it was a very domestic thing to do, but he found it relaxing. After Liam’s phone call that day, he really needed to do something soothing.

They were eating supper, when Jeff said, “So, Hersh. You want to tell me what’s bothering you?”

Harry was taken aback. “How did you know?”

Jeff stopped chewing and gave him a look. “Seriously? It’s written all over your face and your body. Of course I know. Do you _want_ to talk about it?”

Did he _want_ to talk about it? That was a good question, and he wondered if Jeff really meant it. “What would you say if I didn’t?”

“Well, I would be disappointed, but I would also assume you had your reasons. I would _hope_ that you would eventually talk to me. But I’m not going to force you to talk if that’s not what you want.”

Harry smiled at Jeff’s answer. Yes, he had made a good choice in falling for Jeff. “I really do want to talk, but I don’t know where to start.”

Jeff smiled back, but then his smile faded. “Is it Louis?”

“Yes.”

“I thought so.” Jeff waited for Harry to continue.

“Well… it started around my birthday. He called, I ignored it. He called again when I got to London. We met up for supper one night before the Brits. He tried to kiss me that night, and then he said some really awful things to me at the Brits. That’s why I was late for the award. I was having a panic attack.”

“Fuck, Harry. Why – no, that’s not the point… Go on?”

“Then Liam called today. He and Louis are coming to LA in a few days to do some song writing. He said… he said that Louis is still hung up on me… that he might try to see me while they’re here.”

“Do _you_ want to see him?”

Harry just shook his head and stared at his plate. He wasn’t hungry any more.

Jeff sighed, and then turned to Harry and took his hands. “Harry. You haven’t done anything wrong. You ended a relationship that wasn’t healthy for either of you. I can understand Louis being a bit obsessed with you because, y’know, you’re amazing.” He gave Harry a half smile and continued, “But just because he still wants you, that doesn’t mean that you have to see him if you’re uncomfortable.”

Harry nodded and looked into Jeff’s eyes. “I know that I need to tell him that there’s no chance left for us, but I just don’t want to have that conversation. I keep hoping he’ll move on, too.”

“Sometimes you do have to have those conversations… but only when you’re ready. Just because he’s coming here, that doesn’t mean you have to do it on his terms.”

Harry got up and crawled into Jeff’s lap. Jeff welcomed the embrace and wrapped his arms around Harry. “How’s this sound? We’ll stay holed up in the house here while he’s in town. Watch some Will Ferrell comedies. Maybe old school Adam Sandler.”

“Yeah? That sounds good.” Harry rested his head on Jeff’s shoulder and just enjoyed being held.  

 

X-X

 

“Hersh?” They were cuddling on the couch together, watching TV, holding hands like an old married couple.

“Hmmm?” Harry was relaxed and a little sleepy.

“Why didn’t you tell me before? About the reason why you were late to your award at the Brits?”

“I guess… I didn’t want you to be mad at me.”

Jeff gave him an incredulous look, “Why would I be mad at you?”

“Well, okay, maybe not mad… It’s just weird though, isn’t it? Talking to you about Louis?”

“I’m not going to lie. I am a little envious that he had you first, but he’s also an important part of your past that has made you who you are. You’re here with me now, and that’s what matters to me.” He gave Harry’s hand a squeeze.

“He was just so awful. He was trying to get a rise out of me all night… and then he asked if I was fucking you.”

“Did he now?”

“Yeah. Something about sucking your cock and if you could make me come like he could.” Harry finished quietly.

“Shit, Harry. That’s such an awful thing to say to a person. Nevermind someone you loved.”

“I know, right?” Harry turned towards Jeff. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I wasn’t trying to keep it from you, I just didn’t want to make it your problem, too.”

Jeff sighed and sat back. He looked at Harry for a while. “Hersh – Harry. I’m all in. This isn’t fun and games for me. I want to be a part of your life. If something or someone is bothering you, I _want_ to hear about it. I want you to feel like you’ve got a safe place to fall. Because that’s what you are to me. I don’t have as much chaos in my life, but you’re the first person I think of when something good or bad happens to me.”

“Really? You were the first person I thought of, but I wasn’t sure you would want to hear about it.”

“Harry, come here.” He pulled him into his arms for a hug. “Of course I do. I’m telling you right now, I promise I won’t be angry if you ever need to talk about Louis.” He kissed the top of Harry’s head.

Harry snuggled closer. How lucky was he to have Jeff?

“So Hersh. Want to take a bath together in my obscenely large bathtub?”

“Yup!”

 

X-X

 

Harry was leaning back against Jeff, in a tub full of warm water and lots and lots of bubbles. It was heaven.

He was sitting between Jeff’s legs, and Jeff was absently tracing the tattoos on his chest. Harry gave a contented murmur of pleasure. As Jeff ran his fingertips along the bottom of the butterfly, Harry felt himself twitch and get hard. He snuggled back against Jeff without even really noticing what he was doing. Apparently his wiggling was affecting Jeff as well, if the feeling of the hard on against his back was any indication. Jeff kissed his cheek and then trailed his hand lower.

Harry’s breathing hitched as Jeff took his cock in his hand. He bit his lip as Jeff’s hand tightened around him and started to slowly move up and down. Jeff’s other arm was wrapped around Harry’s chest, holding him close. Jeff moved his legs so that his ankles were over Harry’s calves. Harry felt like he couldn’t move, and that turned him on even more.

Jeff kissed his neck while his hand continued below. He licked and sucked his neck, and bit Harry’s earlobe. Harry kept squirming, but Jeff didn’t release him. Harry didn’t really want to go anywhere anyway.

“You’re so fucking hot, Hersh.”

Harry just moaned in pleasure. Jeff increased his hand movements on Harry’s cock, and he was coming before he even knew it was going to happen.

“Mmmmm. Baby.” Jeff whispered in his ear and kissed his cheek.

After Harry came back down to earth, he wriggled out of Jeff’s embrace. He turned around and smiled at him. “Let’s hop in the shower, Jerome.”

“Yeah? Why’s that?”

“I’m going to return the favour.” He knew how much Jeff liked to see him on his knees.

He did return the favour. Twice.

 

X-X

 

Harry tweeted out “Hands on the wheel” the day before Liam and Louis arrived in LA. It seemed appropriate. He needed to stay calm and steady.

Liam was right. Louis texted, he called, he left messages. Harry ignored all of it. He knew it was cowardly, but he just didn’t want to talk to him. The fact that he’d come to LA all the way from London just to try to force Harry to meet with him made Harry really uncomfortable. To Harry it was just another sign of how self-centered Louis had become in the last year.  

But true to his word, Jeff made sure Harry didn’t have to leave the house. They had a Ridiculous Movie Marathon and watched a bunch of “classic” movies as Jeff called them. They weren’t classics in the conventional sense, but Harry loved Night at the Roxbury, Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story, Elf, Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, The Wedding Singer and several other movies that were Jeff’s favourites. It was a great way to pass the days with Louis in the city.

Harry went on-line one morning to catch up on the fandom gossip, and what he saw almost made him throw up. Louis had made a very public trip to the Shamrock Club the night before. He’d gotten an arrow tattooed on his forearm. Harry knew what everyone would think – the pairing hadn’t occurred to him when he got his heart, but it was obvious now. He hadn’t imagined Louis would go that far to manipulate him, but the pictures were there in front of him; in colour _and_ black and white.

“Hersh, I found another movie I think you’ll – “ Jeff entered their bedroom and stopped talking as he saw Harry’s face. “What happened?”

Harry just turned the laptop around so Jeff could see the pictures. Jeff sighed heavily. “That fucker.”

His reaction made Harry feel better. “I need to talk to him. This is too far.”

“Are you sure? Would you like me to leave while you talk to him?”

“Yes, I need to talk to him. And privacy would be good for a little while, if that’s okay.”

“Of course, Harry. Would you like me to leave the house? Or just hang out on the patio?”

“Patio. I have a feeling I’m going to need a hug when I hang up.”

Harry dialed Louis’ number on his cell phone.

“Haz! This is early.”

“Yeah.”

“I’ve been trying to get ahold of you. Have you been busy?” Harry could almost hear the quotation marks around the word _busy_.

“Yes. I have. Why are you here in LA, Louis?”

“I’m song writing with the Madden brothers and Liam, what do you think I’m doing here?”

“What I think you’re doing is getting another fucking tattoo. A tattoo that everyone on earth will associate with the heart I just got a few weeks ago.”

“No offense, Harold, but not everything is about you.”

“Really, _Lewis_? Really?” He was getting pissed off now. Louis knew damn well what he was doing.

Louis was pissed off, too. “Yes, really Harry. You broke my fucking heart! I’ve been fucking miserable without you! Is that what you wanted to hear? Happy now?”

No, Harry was not happy. He was just sad. Sad that it had ended up like this. “We aren’t good together any more Louis. You know that. It wasn’t working.”

“The fans don’t believe we would ever break up. We belong together Harry. I’m not giving up on us.”

“You need to let this go. I’ve moved on, and you should, too.”

“Never, Harry. I will love you forever.”

“I will always love you, too. But not that way. Please, let me go.”

“No.” and the line went dead.

Harry wandered out to the patio and Jeff immediately pulled him in for a hug. “You okay?”

“I will be. Eventually.”

 

X-X  

 

They managed to stay low-key for the rest of Louis’ trip. Harry knew that everyone thought he was loved up with Louis somewhere. That was fine, if they left him and Jeff alone.

The day after Louis and Liam left to go back to London, Harry went motorcycle shopping. Embarrassingly, the one he was riding broke down. Harry called Cal to pick him up. While he was waiting, he called Jeff to tell him about it. They both had a good laugh and Jeff was just happy that Harry was safe.

Later on, all of the Azoffs and Harry went for lunch at Craig’s. Harry’s house offer had been accepted, and they wanted to celebrate with him. They posed for a family picture for the restaurant’s website, with Shelli’s arms wrapped around him. He’d never felt so accepted.

They had been warned before they walked out that the paps had been tipped off. It was the middle of the afternoon on a weekday, but even with it being a slow day, there were a lot there. Harry could tell Jeff was worried about him. He helped shield Harry from the cameras and got him safely in the car.

Jeff was a little shaken about all the attention Harry had received. “Is it always like that?” he asked when they were home later.

“Yeah. Sometimes. Is that okay for you?”

“I don’t know how you do it, Harry. That gives me a whole new appreciation for why you spend so much time here in LA.”

“Yes. The cameras are the only reason I spend so much time in LA. The _only_ reason.” He gave Jeff a cheeky grin.

“I’m going to make you regret saying that, Hershel.” Jeff claimed as he leapt on top of Harry.

Jeff was right. The cameras were definitely not the reason he wanted to spend so much time in LA.

 

X-X

 

Harry was on a plane again. His life felt full of plane rides. He was going through the pictures he had in his phone as he waited for the plane to take off. He found one from early on in his trip of him and Jeff. They had written “Hi I’m Hershel” and “Hi I’m Jerome” on the bottoms of their coffee mugs. Harry loved the picture; he was already missing Jeff and he hadn’t even taken off yet. He posted it to instagram and twitter and didn’t even care if everyone on the planet knew how important Jeff was to him.


	11. April 2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Does everyone collectively dislike beetroots? I feel like they do.”

The following weeks were full of rehearsals, a Trekstock charity event with Liam, and general tour preparation. In between all of that, they filmed the video for “You and I” at the Clevedon Pier, and Harry got terribly sick. He wasn’t feeling very good that day to begin with, but the cold, damp air made it worse. He called Jeff later on, and Jeff was really concerned about his baby. He was seriously ready to hop on a flight to the UK if Harry wanted him to be there. It made Harry feel really good that Jeff cared about his well-being so much.

It was great to be back together with all the guys again. He’d really missed them, especially Niall, even though he’d seen Niall more over the break than the others. Niall was definitely less tolerant of Louis’ antics than he was before, and Harry appreciated the subtle show of support.

Louis had been alternating between flirtatious, passive aggressive, and distant. Harry decided that Louis was just going to have to deal with it. They were all still a band, and if he could be mature about it, then so could Louis. Zayn naturally gravitated towards Louis, and Liam flitted in between the two groups. It wasn’t the way things had been before, but this was their job, and they all still cared about each other.

The other tours had almost felt like vacations for all of them, but this one was feeling more and more like work. It made Harry a little bit sad, but he also knew this was how things were going to be, for a while at least.

Of the other three, Harry had only told Niall about what had happened with Louis since they had broken up. Niall understood that he felt uncomfortable, so he tried to make sure Harry didn’t have to be alone with Louis. It was good they had so much rehearsal time, because Harry was finally optimistic in thinking they could keep the tension from the fans.

One decision that had been made was that they would tour once more next year, and then take a break from the group. They were all sad, but also relieved. Harry knew Zayn in particular was looking forward to being out of the public eye. It just wasn’t his thing, and he struggled with the public fishbowl more than the rest of them. Louis struggled as well, but for different reasons. Harry thought Louis would actually enjoy touring forever, if he could just be himself. Louis loved performing and being on stage, but the closeting had really taken a toll on him.

Harry wasn’t completely sure, but he thought maybe the other three knew how awkward it was going to be for Harry and Louis to keep working together, so that was part of why they agreed to take a break. He felt personally responsible for that, and blamed himself for the rift in the group. He withdrew from some of their interactions and activities to give them space together so his presence wouldn’t make it uncomfortable.

One bright spot was that he and Jeff talked and texted every day. Harry was counting down the days until he would be able to go back to LA.

 

X-X

  

It was the day after they had finished rehearsals. Harry was already feeling relieved that even if things weren’t exactly great with Louis, they were at least getting along. He was also really looking forward to going back to LA to be with Jeff for a few days. They’d already made a few plans for what they were going to do while he was there, and he was finally letting himself get excited about it.

They had promo videos to shoot and pictures to take that day, and then he was going to be free for a few days.

They had finished the group and individual pictures and were setting up to shoot the On the Road Again tour announcement videos. Harry was texting Jeff while he waited.

_Can’t wait til you get here, Hersh._

_Home, Jer. You can call it home._

_LOL I know, babe. Miss you._

Harry smiled. He really did miss Jeff, and was already thinking about all the ways he would show him the next day. He texted back: _How much?_

Harry waited for a little while, assuming that Jeff had been called away, or was getting ready for work. His phone pinged again. He opened up their chat to see a picture of Jeff’s face grinning back at him. Harry knew that smile; it was the one Jeff got when he was thinking about doing something dirty.

Harry was wondering where this was going when another picture showed up. It showed the bottom half of Jeff’s face, and the top of his chest. Harry could tell he wasn’t wearing a shirt.

 _Hiiiiiii!_ he texted in response.

Of course, the videographer called them back to set after he pressed send. He tried to pull it together, and made it through the first few videos. He heard his phone ping again and couldn’t help looking off set. They took a quick break.

There was another picture from Jeff. It was his chest this time. Harry could feel himself blushing as he got heated.

_Want more?_

_Yes_

The next picture was Jeff’s lower abdomen. So close, but still so far. They got called back for a couple more videos and Harry went straight back to his phone.

_Still more?_

Harry didn’t even take the time to type out the word “yes”.

_Y_

The next was a pic of Jeff’s back and bum from behind that Jeff had taken in the mirror. Harry missed that body so much.

_Last one?_

_Please!_

They got called back for the last videos. The whole time they were shooting, Harry could not wait to get back to his phone. He knew he was biting his lip and gripping his hand, but he didn’t even care.

It was totally worth the wait.

He texted Jeff back: _Get lots of sleep. You’ll be walking like a baby giraffe after tomorrow._

 

X-X

 

Jeff picked Harry up at the airport, and they went out to grab a drink at a coffee shop together. Harry wanted to be seen in LA to shut down speculations about his location. They weren’t staying in LA long anyway. After they had made sure fans had taken some pictures, they headed home.

They spent the evening getting reacquainted. As soon as the door closed behind them, Harry had Jeff up against the wall. They kissed with all the feelings that had been building for weeks, hands roaming, remembering each other’s scent and touch. Jeff started pulling off Harry’s shirt, and his own soon followed. They left a trail of clothes on their way to the bedroom.

They surfaced long enough to make something for supper, and spent the rest of the evening naked, cuddling and watching movies. Harry didn’t even care what they were watching, he was just happy to be with Jeff. There was a peace he felt when they were together that he hadn’t felt for a very long time.

The following morning, they had set up a time with a photographer for Harry to be seen riding his motorcycle. By the time the photos were released, they would be long gone.

Jeff drove them to his family’s place at a resort near Coachella Valley. They had classic rock playing in the car, and Harry was feeling so happy and free that he was singing along. He blushed when he saw the stunned and appreciative look on Jeff’s face. It felt good that Jeff liked to hear him sing. Sometimes Louis would be so insecure, that he would withdraw from Harry when he would sing when they were goofing around. Louis had always been self-conscious about his higher voice, and Harry’s voice had always been a rich baritone. So Harry had learned to only sing well around Louis when he was working. The rest of the time he subconsciously made it sound goofy or awful. Jeff was completely different, and Harry loved him all the more for it.

He and Jeff were there in time to have a round of golf on the private course. Harry felt a little uncomfortable taking advantage of these opportunities to play at membership-only clubs, but he couldn’t deny that it was also nice to be left alone for a little while. They swam in the pool at the resort and enjoyed the sunshine. Harry made a low-key appearance at Coachella, and they left for home the next day.

Harry had an appointment at a private tattoo parlour. He wanted to continue his nautical tattoo theme, but he wasn’t sure what to get. He wanted something on his stomach to go underneath the butterfly, but he still hadn’t decided by the time he got to the shop.

“What are we doing today, Harry?”

“I don’t know. I want something nautical for my stomach, but I can’t decide?”

The artist took a look at the rest of his tattoos. “What about, like, a laurel crown?” He pulled out a portfolio book and flipped to a few pages in the middle. Harry looked at the leaves in the pictures. He loved trees – they were one of the things he photographed the most. It suddenly occurred to him as well that “Laurel Hardware” was one of his favourite restaurants to eat at in LA. It all seemed to fit.

“Let’s do it.”

 

X-X

 

Harry was so endeared by the way Jeff was buzzing about going to the hockey game. The LA Kings were in the playoffs, and Jeff had managed to get them two tickets to the game. Harry had to leave in the morning for the South America tour, but he couldn’t resist going out with Jeff. It was a pleasant change to be able to be out in public together.

Harry had an amazing time. He fed off of Jeff’s joy, and the crowd was amazing. It was also a good feeling to Harry to be part of the audience and not the show. He posed for a few fan pictures, but made sure he kept Jeff close.

They said their goodbyes that night. It would be almost 3 weeks before he’d be able to get back to LA again, and Harry was feeling a little sad about it.

They kissed and hugged the following morning as the private car waited outside.

“Take care of you, first, okay? Love you.” Jeff wrapped him up in a huge hug.

“I love you, too.” It was getting harder and harder to leave.

It wasn’t until he was already in Bogota, Colombia, that Jeff texted him to say that he’d been photographed leaving their house that morning. Shit. Things were about to get messy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry. This one is short. And I'm playing pretty loosy goosy with the "April" date bit. ; )


	12. May 2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I woke up like this?”

Everyone was nervous for the start of the tour.  There were special security measures in place due to the volatility of some of the countries they were performing in.  The upcoming shows were going to be their biggest shows ever, and they were still working out blocking and set lists.  They had some additional rehearsal time to get used to the huge stage.

The press conference before the show went alright, but Liam was upset over his recent break up with Sophia, and Louis wouldn’t settle down.  Harry was sure that Louis was going to rip Dan Wooten apart when he asked about the girlfriends joining them on tour. 

Eleanor was being phased out slowly, as she wasn’t needed as much to keep the attention off of Harry and Louis now that they weren’t together.  But it was still annoying for all of them to be asked specifically about their partners, when Dan already knew that Liam was hurting.  It was a dick move, and none of them liked it.

The first concert was a success, even if they were nervous and rushed it a bit.  They had their second concert in Lima two days after that.  Immediately after that concert, Louis and Zayn left for Jamaica.  Why they needed to go when they only had 2 full days until the next concert, Harry wasn’t sure.  But he also didn’t really care.  Harry and Liam and a film crew got to go to Machu Picchu, and Harry was thrilled to be able to see one of the Seven Wonders of the World.  One of the perks of the job was being able to travel to so many different places.  He hoped he and Jeff would be able to come back together one day. 

They had a performance in Santiago, Chile after the short break, and then flew to Buenos Aires.  They had a few days there, and Harry went to a tango show with Liam and Lou one evening.  Of course, the Harry/Lou relationship got played up in the press again.  He and Lou just found it funny. 

They had two shows in Buenos Aires, and then flew into Montevideo, Uruguay long enough to perform, and were in Rio de Janeiro late that evening.  At least Harry was closer to the same time zone as Jeff while they were in South America.  It made it easier to talk throughout the day.

The following day Harry and Niall spent time at the hotel pool.  Harry got a little bit tipsy on caipirinhas and cuddly with Ben Winston.  He knew they were being papped, and wanted to embarrass him.  He was pretty happy when his plan worked.  He loved making Ben feel uncomfortable.

All five of them went to Christ the Redeemer to tape some more video for the tour DVD.  The view of the city was stunning.  It was nice to do an OT5 outing again, even if it was just for the cameras.  Somewhere along the way, Louis lost his phone, but the team was able to get him set up with a new one really quickly.

Harry had Zayn tattoo “Brasil” on his thigh in memory of the South American leg of the tour.  He was so pleased to show it off at the concert that evening.

The last two shows were in Sao Paulo, Brazil.  It had been a successful first leg of the tour.  Harry was just happy that he and Louis were making it look like they were still friends on stage, and now he was free to go home to Jeff.

 

X-X

 

Harry managed to stay under the radar for three whole days with Jeff.  Three days and nights of just being together, hanging out with the whole Azoff clan, and relaxation.  He knew that he had to be spotted eventually, and he had a songwriting appointment with Gavin Degraw.  It was a great way to keep himself busy while Jeff was at work. 

The following day, they went golfing together.  Jeff was a little leery of being too affectionate, as several paps were known to hang around with a view of one of the holes.  But he couldn’t resist the smile on Harry’s face.  It brought him so much joy to see Harry that happy.

They had one more day together, and then Harry had to go back to the UK for rehearsals.  Good byes were getting harder and harder for both of them.  Especially since the European leg was going to be so long. 

 

X-X

 

It was really great to be performing at home in the UK.  Their stage had gotten more complicated, so they all had to be more careful.  Their first show was at Croke Park in Ireland.  It was wonderful to see Niall be able to perform to his hometown crowd, at a place that had so much meaning to him. 

They flew to Glasgow that night to perform at the Radio 1 Big Weekend, and then went back to Croke Park for two more nights.  Harry had never been prouder or happier for Niall. 

The following day was going to be Niall’s charity football match.  All five of the boys were planning to attend.  Everything was going really well.

 

X-X

 

Something happened overnight.  Harry got a call very early Monday morning, and was told to be at the Modest! Management office for 8:00 am, no exceptions.  Harry knew it was going to be bad – they hadn’t had one of these emergency meetings for a long time.

Richard Griffiths and Harry Magee were both there when they got to the room.  Yes, this was definitely bad.

Louis was pacing around the room and fidgeting.  When they had all arrived, Griffiths told him, “Sit down, Louis.”

Louis had never gotten along with the heads of their management, and he was even less tolerant of them now that he and Harry had broken up.  “Why?  Why can’t I stand up?”

Griffith’s face turned red with anger.  “You will sit down, and you will listen.  Not a word.  Now.”  Louis reluctantly took a seat.

He continued, “Remember the phone you ‘lost’?  While in South America?  It’s shown up.”

Louis’ face went ashen. 

“Exactly.  The Daily Mail have it.  They have everything.  They contacted us as a professional courtesy, to see if we wanted to make some kind of deal.  This is too juicy to bury completely, but they have agreed to release a 5-minute, edited video of you and Zayn smoking weed together while you were in Peru.  I’ve called in some personal favours as well, and they are going to wait until tomorrow to post it so that it doesn’t overshadow Niall’s charity match this afternoon.”  Harry thought his stomach was going to fall out of his feet.  His head felt light, and he was a little bit nauseous.

Magee continued where Griffiths left off.  “This is a fucking nightmare.  What the hell were you thinking?  Taping yourself smoking weed?  The amount of money we had to shell out to even cut it down to those 5 minutes was incredible, and it’s coming out of your salaries, Zayn and Louis.  This is, without a doubt, the stupidest thing you’ve ever done.  You wanted more freedom?  Well you can kiss that good bye.  You can’t be trusted!  It’s going to take everything we have to keep this fucking ship afloat until even the end of next April.”    

Griffiths picked back up again.  “Do you know what else they had on there?  Party pics of _all_ of you doing drugs.  Pictures of Harry and you together.  Remember the saying fans use?  ‘Pics or it didn’t happen?’  And you went ahead and kept pictures yourself.  Jesus Christ, Louis!”

“Well I can’t take it back now, can I?”  Louis was still defiant.  Liam placed a hand on his shoulder in an attempt to calm him down.

“No.  You can’t take it back.  So this is what we’re going to do.  We’re going to ignore it and hope that it dies down.  We’ve already been in contact with Eleanor.  She’s prepared to come back for the summer.  We need to clean up your goddamn image.  So Louis, you’ll be with Eleanor.  Zayn, you’ll be seen more with Perrie.  Little Mix could use the publicity anyway.”

“What about rehab?” Niall asked quietly.  Harry had been too shocked to notice how awful Niall looked.  He was white as a sheet, and Harry could tell that Niall was almost as upset about it as he was.

“You know there’s no time for that, and I’m guessing you boys wouldn’t be willing to go anyway?”

Neither Louis nor Zayn answered him.  Harry had pleaded with Louis to slow down on the drugs while they were together, and he knew that Louis was further into them now than he was before.  No, he knew Louis didn’t think he needed rehab, even though he probably did.

“We’re prepared to be the big bad company, but you have to cooperate.  Appearances with Eleanor, Perrie, everything.  We all know the fans will find a way to blame us for all of this, anyway.  But you’ll need to do everything we say so we can get this back on track.”

“What if we don’t want to?”  Even Harry was surprised that Louis was still fighting this.  It wasn’t just Louis that would be affected by this scandal; they all would.

“That isn’t an option, Louis.  You _will_ fall in line.  Or suffer the consequences.”

“You’ve taken my freedom, and Harry and I aren’t together anymore, so what else could you do to me?”  Harry realized how truly reckless Louis was feeling.  He wondered for the first time if the phone hadn’t been lost on purpose.

“We will end you.  We will uphold the contract to take every last pence of your earnings.  And if that doesn’t convince you to listen to reason, we’ve got the pictures and the videos.  We’ll release them ourselves.”

Louis slumped into his chair.  Harry breathed a small sigh of relief at his compliance.  He knew that Louis would go along with it, at least for now.

Zayn had been quiet through the entire discussion.  He looked done with everything.

“Go.  We’ll talk more later.  Try to look like you’re enjoying yourselves at Niall’s game this afternoon.  He’s done a good thing by organizing it, and those fans and the charity don’t deserve to suffer for your stupidity.”

Magee stopped Harry on the way out the door.  “Harry?  Do you have a minute alone?”  Niall looked back, the unspoken question in his eyes.  Harry just nodded that he would be okay, so Niall continued down the hall.

“Harry.  We’ve seen the pictures on the phone of you and Louis together.  There’s no question that you are a couple in them.  We will do everything we can to keep those from the light of day, if that’s what you want.”

“Well, now that we’ve broken up, I can’t see how it would help anyone to have them come out.”

“We know that.  You shouldn’t be punished for this, and I’m sorry I had to use releasing them as a threat to Louis.  He’s really not coping is he?”

“No.  He’s not.  But I keep hoping it will get better.”

“If you need anything, let us know, please?”  Harry knew that the fans all thought that Modest were behind most of the problems in the band, but Harry knew they were just doing their jobs.  They could only do so much when Louis and Zayn weren’t cooperative, though.

“Thanks.  I’ll keep that in mind.”

Harry left and found Niall downstairs waiting for him.  “Car?” he asked Harry.

“Yes.”

It wasn’t safe to talk openly, even in the Modest! Management offices.  They went to Harry’s vehicle in the parking lot and sat in silence together for a few minutes.

“Shit.”  That one word from Niall summarized exactly how Harry was feeling.

Harry slumped forward and put his forehead on the steering wheel.  He closed his eyes and breathed deeply.

“If you don’t want to come to the game today, that’s okay, Harry.  I understand.”

Harry lifted his head and looked at Niall.  “Are you serious?  You think I wouldn’t be there?  No.  That’s not an option.  You’ve put too much work into this.  Just because Louis is a twat, that doesn’t mean that I would skip out on the game.”

Niall gave him a wavering smile.  What a mess.  What a fucking mess.

“He’s too far gone, isn’t he.”  It was a statement.  Niall wasn’t looking for an answer.

Harry gave him one anyway.  “He really is, Niall.  But there isn’t anything either of us can do.”

Niall nodded sadly.  All of a sudden, Harry got angry.  No, this was not going to happen to Niall.  Not on this day.

“Hey.  We’re going to go out and put on the best damn football game you’ve ever seen, okay?  I promise.”  He reached over to the other seat and pulled Niall in for a hug.  Niall held him just as tightly. 

“Thanks.”  They both had tears in their eyes as they pulled away.  Part of it was the emotional shock of what they had just heard, and part of it was their genuine love for each other.

“See you at the game later?” Niall said as he got out of the car.

“Definitely.  I’ll be there with bells on.”  Niall just rolled his eyes and smiled at Harry.  At least it was closer to a genuine smile.

Harry pulled out his phone as Niall walked towards his own vehicle where Basil was waiting for him.

“Hey, Hersh.  What’s up?”  Jeff sounded sleepy.  Shit. 

“Oh, sorry, Jeff.  It’s the middle of the night.  I completely forgot.”

“That’s okay.  You sound off?  Is something wrong?”  Jeff sounded even more concerned as he woke up.

“Well… yeah.  Kind of.  We just got out of an emergency meeting with Griffiths and Magee.  Louis and Zayn got high in Peru and Louis filmed it.  It was on his phone that was lost or stolen or whatever in South America.  A news outlet has the video and they’re going to release it tomorrow.”  Harry wasn’t sure he was making sense, but he hoped Jeff would understand.  He waited for Jeff to comprehend what he was hearing.

“Wow.  How bad is it?”

“I don’t know yet.  Just that it happened, and that it’s being released tomorrow.”

“Is there anything about you on it?”  Jeff’s first priority was always Harry.

“I don’t think so.  Griffiths and Magee said they managed to keep back anything to do with me.”

Jeff sighed.  “Good.  But I’m still trying to understand.  _Louis_ taped it?”

“Yeah.”

“Not a fan?”

“No.”

“And they were getting high?”

“Yeah.”

“What a fucking idiot.”

Harry burst out laughing.  “Yes, yes he is.”

“Sorry, Harry.  I shouldn’t say something like that.  He already lost when he lost you.”  Harry smiled.  Maybe things were going to be okay.

“You’re too sweet to me.  But at least they got them to put off releasing it until tomorrow.  Niall’s football game is today.”

“Right – Autism Ireland, I think?”

“Irish Autism Action, yeah.”

“He’s a good man.  You’re still playing, right?”

“Definitely.  Niall and the charity deserve it.”

“Good.  Put on a happy face and put on the best show that you can.”

“I will.  Thanks for talking to me.  I actually feel a lot better now.”

“Any time, Hersh.  Take care of you first, okay?”

“Yeah, Jerome.  Sleep tight.  I’ll talk to you later.  Probably after the game, okay?”

“Definitely.  Love you.”

“I love you, too.”

 

X-X

 

Harry knew that the fans appreciated his warning tweets, so he sent out “We’re gonna rock down to Electric avenue.” later that morning.  There wasn’t much more he could do.  He hoped that at least some of them would figure out that he had nothing to do with the release of the video.  He made sure that Gemma and his parents were prepared as well.

That afternoon, he went out and put on the best damn show he could at Niall’s football game.  People had paid good money to see them out there having fun, so that’s what Harry gave them.  He even pirouetted on the field after one of their opponents grabbed his shirt. 

Late in the game, there was an opportunity for a penalty kick, and Niall picked Harry to take it.  It was a lot of pressure, but he was going to do his best.  He scored!  The rest of the team rushed him to hug him, but he escaped and ran straight to Niall.  As he was running he said, “That was for you.” and pulled Niall in for a huge hug.  It had been such an emotional day, and Harry was so happy to have done something to make Niall smile.

That ended up being the best part of their week.

 

X-X

 

The reaction to the weed video was predictably intense.  Harry tried to lay low during the aftermath.  The people that never realized he and Louis were together didn’t link it to him anyway.  But the people who still thought they were a couple were going wild with excuses.  Harry heard everything from it being released by management on purpose, to how he and Louis planned it together to appeal to an older audience.  It was all ridiculous.

He talked to Gemma that day.  She really wanted him to make some kind of statement, but he knew that he couldn’t do anything about it.  He couldn’t say what he really thought, and he couldn’t even apologize because people would assume he was speaking as half of HarryandLouis.

“Why don’t you say something?  Apologize for it because you know that Louis and Zayn won’t?  Tell people you don’t give a frog’s fat ass about Louis anymore?”

“I really want to, Gemma, but that’s something you just can’t say.”  So those were the words that she tweeted in support. 

By the day after its release, Harry wanted to distance himself even further from it.  People were actually defending Louis and saying that what he had done was okay.  Harry had watched the video with the rest of the world, and he didn’t think it set a very good example at all.  Louis was obnoxious, rude, and abrasive in general.  He had mocked the police who were there to protect them, and he casually dropped a racial slur into conversation.  People were even defending that.  It was too much. 

Harry was so annoyed at the HarryandLouis fans and how they kept going on about how clever Louis was, how intentional it was, and how Harry must be a supportive boyfriend.  He found a picture of himself with his friend’s puppy and tweeted it out. The caption was “Hersh and Bear”.  Even if almost every fan ignored it, Louis would know.  More importantly, Jeff would know.

 

X-X

 

Louis refused to apologize.  He claimed that if they wanted to just ignore it, that’s what he would do.  After Harry’s Hersh and Bear photo, he made sure to include “Happy Days” in his next tweet.  Just to prove to Harry that he didn’t really care if Harry didn’t approve.  Fine.

They put on a united front for the next shows, as there was no sense in taking it out on the fans.  The stress was getting to Harry though, and he was getting sick.  He called Jeff after their first concert in Manchester.  He just wanted to whine and get some sympathy from his Jerome.

“Hershel, you sound awful, babe!”

“I _feel_ awful.”

 “Awww, poor little sweetheart.  Is it a cold?”

“Probably.”

“Are you feeling sucky?”

“Yes,” Harry pouted.

“Do you need a cuddle?”

That question hit Harry harder than he expected it to.  “Yes, I do,” he said seriously.

 Jeff sensed the change in his tone.  “I know, Harry.  I miss you, too.  It’s been an awful week for you, and you have no idea how much I want to be there with you right now.”

“I wish I was home with you in LA.  You have no idea how badly I wish we had more time between some of these shows.  I just want you to hold me and tell me that it will be okay.”

Jeff was quiet for a moment.  Then he said, “Well, if you can’t come home to LA, maybe _I_ can bring home to _you_.”


	13. June 2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You and me and the devil makes three.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to thank Em for some inspiration for this chapter. She’s the bestest!

Harry was still sick for the next few shows in the UK. He couldn’t even sing for one night, but he wanted to be there. He did everything he could to interact with the audience. He hoped it was good enough for the fans. He always felt a little guilty when he couldn’t give them what they had paid for.

At least Liam and Sophia had managed to work things out. They were spending a lot of time together, especially since they were so close to home. Harry was happy that Liam was happy; he liked Sophia. She was good for Liam.

Thinking of the happy couple just made Harry more excited about Jeff coming to London. Some of Jeff’s friends and family were all going golfing in Scotland, and Harry and Jeff were going to be able to spend at least one full day together. He couldn’t wait to show him around London.

They finished the UK shows and started the rest of the European leg shortly after that. They played their shows in Sweden and Denmark. Harry was on a flight to see Jeff the moment the show in Copenhagen was over.

Harry managed to sneak into the hotel Jeff was staying at; probably because no one was expecting to see him in London. He could barely contain his excitement as he knocked on Jeff’s hotel room door.

“I missed you so much!” he said as he threw himself into Jeff’s arms. Jeff pulled him in close as Harry tucked his face into Jeff’s neck. Jeff pulled him backwards with him through the room and they fell onto the bed together. Jeff rolled so that Harry was under him. He put his hands on either side of Harry’s face as his eyes roamed over his features. Harry couldn’t stop smiling up at him. He tried to lift his head to kiss him, but Jeff had him pinned.

“I wanna kiss you!” Harry whined playfully.

“I know! I wanna look at you. I missed you!” Jeff’s face broke into a grin.

Harry felt shy and loved and… happy.   If Jeff had wanted to spend the whole night like that, Harry would have let him.

Fortunately, Jeff had other ideas.

 

X-X

 

They ordered room service for breakfast. Jeff told Harry that his breakfasts were better, which made Harry giggly and happy.

After a leisurely shower together, they got dressed and went to pick up Gemma. Harry couldn’t wait to introduce his sister to his boyfriend. He was sure that she would love him as much as he did.

“Are you sure you’re okay with this?” Harry asked Jeff as they pulled up at Gemma’s.

“What? To meet your sister?” Jeff was incredulous.

“No, silly. To be seen with me in public.” Harry was still nervous Jeff would say no.

“Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?” He almost seemed insulted.

Harry breathed a sigh of relief. Gemma came out of her building and hopped in the back of his vehicle. He made some quick introductions as they drove off.

The three spent the morning wandering the streets and having coffee at a sidewalk café. Harry took a few fan pictures, but it was less than he sometimes did. They teased Jeff about how he pronounced London.

“It’s not Lan-dan, Jeff. It’s London. Like love.” Harry blushed. Gemma laughed and got to tease Harry as well.

He was thrilled that Jeff and Gemma got along so well. They spent the early part of the afternoon driving around to look at sights in London. Harry wished he could actually get out and walk around openly with Jeff, but he knew that wouldn’t really be possible. Not yet at least.

All three went home to Anne’s for supper that night, and Harry had never been happier. Jeff fit in with his family as easily as Harry fit in with the Azoffs.

They got back to Jeff’s hotel room late that night after dropping Gemma off. They fell into each other’s arms as the door to the room closed. Their lovemaking was slow and leisurely that night, full of lots of kisses and gentle touches.

Jeff finished with his forehead against Harry’s. He noticed the tears in Harry’s eyes.

“Babe, what’s wrong? Are you okay? Did I hurt you?”

“No, no. I’m just really happy.”

“Oh, okay. I just hate to see you sad.”

Harry’s heart felt even warmer. “Thank you for coming, Jerome.”

“Absolutely, Hersh. I just wish I could have been here sooner.”

Harry fell asleep cuddled up in Jeff’s arms. He felt happy, loved, and safe.

 

X-X

 

Harry had to leave the next morning to go back to Copenhagen. They had two more shows there and then they came back to London for a couple of days off. They had a few meetings the day they were back and then Harry was free to go back to Jeff’s hotel. He posted a picture to instagram with the caption “it looks like you’re in Landan” just to tease Jeff some more.

They had a quiet supper together, and then Harry had to get ready to go out that evening.

“I have to go to that Modest thing tonight, but I’ll see you after the concert?”

Jeff kissed him quickly. “Definitely. I’m looking forward to spending some time with Niall and Gemma.”

“They’re really the best. Thanks again for taking them.”

“It’s my pleasure, babe. Your people are my people.” Jeff blushed. He was so cute, Harry couldn’t help himself from tackling him back onto the bed to give him something to remember him.

Harry and Jeff were both flushed when Harry pulled away. “We’ll start this again later?”

Jeff pretended to be in pain. “I’ll probably die if you don’t.”

“Well I can’t have that. Who would be able to get my friends and family into cool concerts if you weren’t around?”

“So that’s all you want me for is it?” Jeff teased.

“You know that’s not true. I love you. You’re honestly one of the best things that’s ever happened to me.”

Jeff was touched. “Aw, baby. You have no idea how much you mean to me, too. Now, if you don’t get going then neither of us are going to be where we’re supposed to be tonight.”

Harry left the room with a smile on his face, but already couldn’t wait until the party was over.

 

X-X

 

Jeff was having a wonderful time with Niall and Gemma at the Eagles concert. The two of them giggled at the fact that Gemma sometimes had to be the interpreter for Jeff because Niall’s brogue got stronger the more that he drank.

During a quiet moment, Gemma said to him, “So, Jeff. Do you love my little bro?”

Jeff was a little surprised, but saw no point in playing coy. “Yes. I really do.”

“Are you going to hurt him?”

“Never.”

“Promise?”

“Absolutely.”

Niall noticed the conversation was getting serious. “Gem, come on. Give t’ guy a break. Harry’s happy with him.”

“I know, Nialler. I’m just taking the piss.” She tapped her beer cup against Jeff’s. “Welcome to the family.”

“Aw! Bring it in!” Niall pulled Jeff and Gemma together for a group hug.   “Yer t’best, Gem. Hazzah is lucky t’ have a sister like you and a boyfriend like Jeff!”

Jeff was unreasonably touched at getting the approval of Harry’s sister and one of his best friends. He couldn’t wait to tell Harry later that night.

 

X-X

 

Harry and Jeff went to the Winstons the next day to watch the World Cup game. They all had such a good time, and they all had fun playfully arguing over whether it should be called “football” or “soccer”. Harry caught Jeff watching him several times throughout the game. He probably noticed Jeff watching him so much because he couldn’t keep his eyes off of Jeff either.

They had a few drinks and ended up at a football pitch later on that evening. Harry was tipsy and cuddly and couldn’t wait to be alone with Jeff.

They were cuddled into bed that night and Jeff was catching up on the news on his laptop while Harry tried to distract him. Harry had already heard about Louis’ plans to purchase the Doncaster Rovers Football Club, so he was happy that Louis had something positive in his life to focus on. But it was the first time Jeff had seen the announcement.

“So how are things going on tour with… you know.” Harry knew he was referring to Louis.

“He’s having a hard time with it. I feel kind of sorry for him, actually.”

“Really? Why?”

“Well he’s still doing a lot of drugs, and I know that’s how he’s been dealing with his emotions. He follows me around all of the time, trying to get me alone to talk. I don’t want to hurt him more by telling him to back off just because it’s making me uncomfortable.”

Jeff sighed deeply. “Harry, it’s your life. But please be careful. I’ve seen people act like him after a break up, and it never ends well. Sometimes a clean break heals the fastest and hurts the least.”

Harry thought about that for a minute. “Yeah. But it’s Louis, you know? I still don’t want to hurt him. I feel like I’ve hurt him enough already.”

Jeff just gave Harry a sad smile. He closed his laptop and curled up with Harry to watch TV together.

Jeff was more withdrawn and distant that night. For the first time, they just fell asleep together without making love. Harry knew that he had done something to hurt Jeff, but he wasn’t exactly sure what it was or how to fix it.  

 

X-X

 

The next day they had a show in Paris, and Jeff went back to LA.

Niall posted a picture of Louis stuck behind a closet, which kind of annoyed Harry. He understood that it was difficult for both of them to have to pretend to be straight, but there was no point in antagonizing their team. It also kept fans thinking that he and Louis were together. But then Harry realized that maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing.  

Harry noticed a fan had written “Larry” on her arm, so he made sure to pay attention to her. If fans wanted to believe he was still with Louis, then who was he to ruin that for them? He knew that their relationship meant a lot to a lot of people. So if they wanted to focus on it instead of who Harry was really dating, then maybe it would give he and Jeff some more privacy. He hoped that people got some good video of it.

They had another show in Paris and then a couple of days of meetings and then back to London for a few days. Harry spent time with Lou T and relaxed.

Things were a bit off during their first Amsterdam show, but Harry still wasn’t prepared for what happened next.

 

X-X

 

Harry woke up in the middle of the night to banging on his hotel door. J Edward was up and at the door already. It couldn’t be a fan; they had guards posted in all sorts of areas just in case. He hopped clumsily out of bed and pulled on his pants. No, Harry was afraid he knew who would be so insistent on seeing him this late at night.

He heard Louis’ voice when the door opened. “Harry! I need to talk to you! I need to talk to Harry!”

“I couldn’t stop him.” Alberto said quietly to J Edward.

J Edward’s priority was keeping Harry safe - from everyone. He looked over at Harry and lifted his eyebrows.

Harry tried to shake off the last of the sleep from his mind. He had to do this. “Yeah, let him in. Can you and Alberto stay outside please?” J Edward just nodded and let Louis into the room as he left.

“Haz! I need to talk to you. How are you, baby?” He gave Harry a big grin as he stumbled towards him. Harry could smell the booze and weed already.  

“I was sleeping, Lou. How are _you_ doing?”

Louis giggled. “I miss you calling me Lou. I’ve been out with Zayn. We’ve been talking about life and shit like that. And I remembered how much I fucking miss you.” His tone had gone from teasing to serious in a matter of seconds.

“Um, yeah, Louis. I miss what we had too, sometimes.” Harry was still trying to gauge how messy this was going to be. Pretty messy, by the looks of things.

“But Haz, I miss it all the time! I watch you on the stage, I sing the songs we wrote for each other, and every day without you gets harder.” He wobbled as he tried to focus his eyes on Harry.

Shit. This was really going downhill. “You know why we couldn’t work, Louis. The stress, the closet, the drugs. None of that has changed.”

“But don’t you think we _could_ make it work? I know that I could clean myself up if you were just there for me. I just need _you_ there for me, Haz.” Louis’ face was full of pain.

Harry knew he needed to be gentle, but firm. “But… I asked you to stop while we were together, and you wouldn’t. How would it be different now?” The part of him that wanted to take care of others desperately wanted to cave in, just to keep Louis safe. But he had to think of himself, too, and he knew that he could never give enough of himself to fill Louis up.

“It would be different now. I promise!” Louis pleaded.

Harry just looked at him. He wanted to hold Louis. He wanted to take his pain away. But some things just weren’t possible. He knew they would keep having this same conversation over and over again if he went back. And Harry couldn’t lose Jeff.

Louis changed subjects again. “But do you remember how good we were together, Haz? Remember waking up together? Making love in the mornings?” The tears were running freely down his face now.

Harry’s heart was breaking all over again. He realized now that although things had been really good in the beginning, their relationship hadn’t been healthy for a long time. There had always been an imbalance of power that was more obvious now that they were apart. He was always propping Louis up, while Louis was taking his frustrations out on Harry. That didn’t mean that he didn’t still care about Louis, though.

“Louis, of course I remember what we had. I will _never_ forget it. You were my first great love, and that’s not something you ever really get over.”

Louis seemed to realize something. “Were? Past tense? As in I _was_ your first great love? Does that mean you don’t love me anymore, because if you don’t Haz, it will kill me, I know that it will.” Louis’ words came out in a rush.

Harry tried to back away to put some more space between them. This wasn’t getting any easier. “I’m sorry, Louis. Yes. Past tense. I still care about you, but I am not… in love with you.”

Louis’ eyes searched Harry’s face, and finding nothing left there to hold onto, he crumpled into a ball on the floor. Harry bent down to be with him. He was crying now, too. He knew Louis had been holding onto hope, but Harry hadn’t realized it was this bad. He tried to rub Louis’ back.

“Don’t fucking touch me!” Louis snarled.

Harry pulled his hand away and tried to speak over the lump in his throat. “I’m sorry, Louis. I really am. It’s hard on me, too. But… it’s better this way.”

Louis sobbed for a few minutes in a ball beside Harry. As the shudders began to slow, he asked in a hoarse voice, “Are you in love with him?”

Harry’s hesitation was the only answer Louis needed. “Go” he said.

So Harry went.

 

X-X

 

He woke up in Niall’s bed. He and J Edward had left Louis in Harry’s room with Alberto. Harry knew that Louis would be safe, at least for the night. And he knew that _he_ would be safe with Niall.

Harry called Jeff later in the day when he knew he would be up.

“Hey Jerome. How are you?” Harry’s voice was hoarse from lack of sleep and the emotional toll from the night before.

“Hey Hersh. Are you okay? You sound a little rough.”

“Well… yeah. I’m okay I guess. It was a rough night. Louis came to my room in the middle of the night and kind of begged me to take him back.”

“Oh?” Harry could hear the irritation in Jeff’s voice in even just that one small word.

“Yeah. He was drunk and high and kind of a mess. I told him it was definitely over. I think he maybe got it. I left him in my room and slept with Niall.”

“So he chased you out of your own room? What a guy.” Harry could tell that Jeff wanted to say more, but was biting his tongue.

“He’s really screwed up, Jeff.”

“That doesn’t mean that he should be waking you up in the middle of the night!”

“I know. He’s been trying so hard to get me back lately. I’ve felt his eyes on me all the time when we’re together.”

“Yeah, I’ll bet.”

“But I know that I need to keep my distance. He gets so clingy when I even just look at him.”

All Jeff said was, “Yeah.”

Harry realized it wasn’t fair to talk about Louis with Jeff. “Jerome, I’m sorry. I don’t want to talk about Louis with you. I want to talk about _you_ with you. How’s work going?”

Thankfully, Jeff let the conversation drop and went on to tell Harry a story about Britney Spears. She’d had a lot of troubles in the last few years, but Jeff was really proud of the charity work she was doing. He was a little frustrated that she didn’t want any publicity for it, but he couldn’t be too mad at her.

They talked about the Azoffs, and Harry missed the whole family so much that it hurt. They truly were like his second family while he was in the US.

The conversation started to trail off when Jeff said, “Harry? Sorry I’m being such a dick about Louis. It has to be tough to work with him. I know you’re doing your best to get along for the sake of everyone else. You have such a big heart. It’s one of the things I love about you.”

Harry smiled in relief. “I love you, too. I know I shouldn’t talk about him with you, but there are so few people I can trust.”

“I know, babe. Sorry for making it harder on you.”

“I miss you so much, Jerome. I can’t wait to be home in a couple of weeks.”

“Me, too, Hersh. Take care of you first, okay?”

Harry was a little sad when he got off the phone. He wasn’t even with Louis anymore and Louis was still fucking with his life.


	14. July 2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Yes you are.”

Harry was still feeling upset about the night before with Louis.  But he hoped that this would be the turning point and Louis would start to let go.  He wasn’t too optimistic about it, but he could hope.

They had their second show at Amsterdam that night.  It was tough, but Harry got through it.  Louis pretended like nothing had happened.  If anything, he was even snarkier to Harry than usual. Fine, as long as he wasn’t going to beg again.

Harry flew home that night after the show and spent the next few days in London.  He got to spend Robin’s birthday with his whole family.  It kind of didn’t feel complete without Jeff there, but it was still nice to see everyone.

The following day was their first show in Milan.  They were filming the concert for the tour DVD.  They had all been briefed by Ben Winston before the concert to be extra careful with what they said and did on stage.  Instagram questions were going to be back for the next two shows only.  Louis in particular was stressed about everything, and was taking it out on Harry as usual. 

“So maybe Harold should take off his headscarves and butch it up a bit, yeah?”  He had resented the fact that Harry was more comfortable with being himself on stage on this tour.  Harry was feeling less and less tolerant of his sniping, though.  So was everyone else. 

“You know what Louis?  Harry can be any damn way he feels like.  As long as he keeps it PG.” Ben told him.  Louis pouted in the corner.  Harry smiled at Ben in appreciation.

Harry called Jeff before the concert.

“Hersh!  How are you?”

“I’m good, Jerome.  Just thought I’d give you a quick call before I went on stage tonight.”

“I’m glad you called.  It’s always nice to hear from you.  Hey – I saw that it’s Pride Week over there right now?”

“Yeah.  I really want to say something, but I know that I shouldn’t.  We’re being filmed for the next two concerts for the tour DVD.”

“Have you all had The Talk?”  Harry could hear the capitalization of The Talk through the phone.  He laughed.

“Yes.  Everything is to be kept PG.  Louis has already been complaining.”

“Why am I not surprised?” Jeff said wryly.  He continued, “Oh, babe.  Being stuck with him must be a pain in the ass.”

“It feels like prison, that’s what it feels like!  Only a few more weeks in my sentence before I am released for a few days.”  He teased.  Jeff laughed.

That gave Harry an idea.  He instagrammed a picture of his jeans with the caption “I got stripes.” and added “JC” to make sure that people understood that it was the song by Johnny Cash that he was referring to.  It referenced being in prison, which could be taken as support for everyone in the closet.  The Paige Denim that he took a picture of and the jail reference were just for Jeff though.  Jeff had been the one to introduce him to the jeans, and they both loved wearing them.

Harry also managed to add “I’d do Niall” and “Happy Pride” into the Instagram questions.  He was sure that both would get cut, but giving people some support meant more to him than the DVD.

Cameras followed them for the second Milan show as well in case they needed more footage.  It was a relief for everyone to have the filming over with.

One of the reasons that they weren’t having Meet and Greets this year was because Louis and Zayn couldn’t stay sober long enough.  They still met with Make a Wish foundation kids and other charity groups, though.  Harry was getting more and more disgusted every time he could tell that Louis and Zayn were on something when they met with these kids.  It was such an insult to the sick children, and Harry was finding it harder and harder to not say something about it. 

So having to be sober for two concerts had been rough for those two.  Harry thought it was actually pretty pathetic. 

Everyone but Harry went back to London after the second Milan show.  They were all in Dusseldorf a couple of days later to film some promos.  It was immediately apparent that Louis was high as soon as they started.  He was extremely loud and obnoxious, and kept making digs at everyone.  Niall and Harry were pretty fed up.  It was unprofessional, and they all just wanted to get through the tapings.

The more that Louis tried to get under Harry’s skin, the more Harry ignored him.  It was a vicious cycle over the next few days of Louis being a jerk and Harry turning the other cheek.  Tensions were really high.

They were resting in the stadium dressing rooms in Turin, Italy before the show.  Harry couldn’t help but see some of the things people were saying online.  How in love he and Louis were and how they would never break up.  It was driving him crazy, because he couldn’t possibly tell everyone they were done without confirming they were together in the first place.  It was aggravating.  For fans who considered themselves observant, they sure were missing a lot.

On top of everything else, he was in talks with Cal about the Paige PR stunt that they had planned for the break.  Harry had been against it from the beginning, but Cal convinced him that it would take only minimal effort on his part.  All he had had to do up until this point was wear a ring.  It was his own ring, but people associated with her, so he just let gossip do the rest.  Now they were planning on upping the stunt to have her pose in some clothes that were definitely his.  He didn’t like having his clothes be tainted with her presence, but again, it didn’t take any effort on his part, so he couldn’t object just on principle.

Cal had his back to the door of their lunch room at the stadium, so he didn’t notice Louis come up behind him.

“So you have some things that are distinctively yours that you could send to her?” Cal asked.

“Yeah.  I can think of a few.”  Harry answered and looked pointedly at Louis.

“What’s this then?”  Louis asked.

“Nothing.  None of your business.”  Harry wasn’t up to Louis’ jealousy or mockery right now.

Louis looked from Harry to Cal.  “Is this about your beard stunt then?  Cozying up to that trashy, blonde piece of tail?  Oooohhhh… the fans will love the idea of you sticking your cock into her again.”

“Fuck off, Louis.  I’m sick of your shit.”  Harry was done.  Cal’s eyes just widened.

“Oh, sorry, love.  I didn’t know you were so touchy about it.  I’ll leave you gals alone to your plans then.” Louis sauntered out of the room.

“Are you okay, man?”  Cal asked him.

“Yeah.  I’m just so over his shit.  He just won’t let up.”

Cal clapped his hand on Harry’s shoulder.  “Just a couple more weeks.  Then you’ll get a break from everything.”

“It really can’t come soon enough, Cal.”  Harry sighed and went to get ready to go on stage.

 

X-X

 

“Oli, he’s doing another stunt with that trashy wannabe model.”  Louis and Oli were getting high on the bus between Italy and Spain after the concert.  It was one of the few places that Louis felt truly safe to indulge.

“I know!  But I’d still fuck her.” Oli had always appreciated the groupies that surrounded the boys.  Louis never really cared because he had no interest in them himself.

“Yeah, I know _you_ would.  But not Harry, oh no… not the _perfect_ Harry Styles.  He and that little Azoff fucker are so smug now.  But you know what?  According to the media, Harry still likes vaginas.  He’s _crazy_ about the vag.”  Louis still hadn’t accepted that Harry had moved on.  It made him feel slightly better that Harry still had to keep up the heterosexual facade as well.

“And how funny is that?  But dude – you know what would be really funny?  If Harry ‘liked’ one of those nasty shots girls are always sending you guys?”  Oli convulsed into a fit of giggles, and so did Louis.

“Oh my god!  That would be Fucking.  Hilarious.  I would love to see Mr. Goody Two Shoes get out of that.  I think I might still remember his Twitter password, as long as he hasn’t changed it.  I’m going to try!”

Louis picked up his phone and loaded the twitter app.  He tried Harry’s log in.

“Holy shit!  It worked!  Now let’s see what we can find for Mr. Harry Loves-the-ladies Styles to like on twitter…”

“Aw man, Louis.  Don’t do that.  You’re in enough trouble with the weed vid.  What if they find out it was you?”

“And how would they do that?  The fans will either blame Harry himself, or they’ll blame management like they always do.  It’s going to be so fucking funny!”  Louis first went and changed Harry’s password and recovery information.  If he was going to do this, he wanted to make sure people had time to find out about it.

“Here!  I know an account that’s really nasty.”  Oli grabbed the phone and typed in a username.

Louis found a disgustingly graphic tweet, favourited it, and logged out of the app.  He and Oli passed out not long after.

 

X-X

 

It was a fucking nightmare for Harry.  His team woke him up in the middle of the night shortly after their team noticed it.  They wanted to make sure it wasn’t Harry who had done it, and they wanted it fixed.  They couldn’t get back into his account either, and they needed him to personally try to recover his account.  It took hours to get access back while he tried to prove who he was.  He quickly unfavourited the tweet and found some puppies and kittens to favourite instead.  He tried to make a joke about it on-line, but inside he was furious.  They found out shortly after that his account had been accessed on a phone somewhere in southern Spain.  Harry knew exactly what that meant.   

When the bus and Louis showed up at their hotel that morning, Harry found him quickly.

Harry didn’t even bother being nice.  “What the fuck are you playing at?” he said quietly when they were alone together.

“Geez, good morning to you, too.”  Louis was trying to use sarcasm to cover his discomfort.  He squirmed and looked away from Harry’s gaze.  

“Don’t play dumb with me.  I know that you did it.”  Harry was done with his bullshit.

Louis shifted uncomfortably, “I really don’t know what you’re talking about” he said haughtily.

“Yes, you do.  Don’t _ever_ do anything like that again.”  Harry left without saying anything else.  He was sure Louis would never admit to doing it, but his body language told Harry everything he needed to know.

He posted the picture of “I am a lunch bag” with the caption “Yes you are” later that morning.  They had all laughed about how lunch bag was code for douche bag, so his meaning would be obvious to everyone in their circle.  It was petty of him, but it made Harry feel a little better.  It’s not like he could publicly tell anyone what happened; the world was still supposed to think they were one big, happy family.

He called Jeff as soon as he knew that he would be awake.

“Hey Hersh.”

“Hey Jerome.  Have you heard already?”

Jeff sighed on the other end of the line.  “Yes.  I saw it.  Were you hacked?”

“Funny you should mention that.  My account was accessed from a mobile in southern Spain early this morning.  Coincidentally that’s roughly where Louis and that little shit, Oli would have been on the bus on their way here.  The password and recovery were changed and it took me forever to get back in.”

The other end of the line was silent.  Harry wasn’t sure if he had lost Jeff or not.  “Jeff?  Are you still there?”

“I’m going to kill him.”  Harry was surprised at the anger in Jeff’s tone.

“What?”

“You’ve worked so hard – so hard! – on having a clean social presence.  And if that little prick thinks this is some kind of game, then he needs to learn some fucking manners.”

Jeff’s anger helped to diffuse some of Harry’s.  “I already confronted him about it, but he denied it.”

“Of course he did.  He’s a weakling, little bitch, coward.  Are you sure you don’t want me to fly over there to kick his ass?”

Harry actually giggled.  He would really love to see what Louis would do if an angry Jeff confronted him.  “No, but I appreciate the offer.  I’m just going to have to be more careful now.”

“You have no idea how badly I want to have even just 5 minutes alone with him.  No one does that to my Hersh.”

“Thanks, Jer. I just can’t believe I didn’t see it before.”

“It’s not your fault.  We can sometimes be blind to the people who are close to us.”

“I know.  I just don’t know how I’m going to get through the next few weeks.”

“Find people that make you happy.  Avoid him when you can.  Call me any time… Do you need me to list more ways?”

Harry smiled.  “No, that’s probably enough for right now.  I’m just so pissed off, you know?”

“I know, Hersh.  What a dick.  Is anything going to be done about it?”

“I’m not sure.  Griffiths and Magee are flying down here later today.  I’m going to meet with them.”

“Good.  You should feel safe at your job and not have to worry about people doing nasty things to you.”

“Yeah.”

“It could be worse – I mean, it was pretty awful, but hopefully a lot of the younger fans won’t understand what they were looking at.”

“Yeah, I can hope…  I just don’t trust him, I don’t want to be around him, and I’m done with his shit.”

“Keep your chin up, babe.  Just a couple more weeks and then you can come home and I can join you at some of your shows in North America.”

“You have no idea how much I’m looking forward to that!”

“It’s going to be amazing.  Just a couple more weeks.”

Harry thanked his lucky stars again for bringing Jeff into his life.  “Jeff?  Thanks.”

“You don’t have to keep thanking me, Harry.  I _want_ to be there for you.”

“I know.  I just never want to let you forget that I appreciate you.”

“Love you, Hersh.”

“Love you, too, Jer Bear.”

 

X-X

 

There wasn’t much Magee and Griffiths could do.  They listened to Harry rage, and while they agreed with him about Louis, their hands were tied.  They couldn’t fire him without drawing more attention to the problem, and there was still too much tour left to force him into rehab.  All they could do was manage his issues and try to keep him away from Harry. 

Harry had known there was nothing they could do, but he still needed them to know what had happened.  He hoped this would be the worst of it, but he’d thought that before. 

He was already feeling shitty about things in general, and then people started complaining about his hair and how it was too long.  He loved his hair.  It still surprised him when people thought they should have a say in how other people looked.

He tweeted out the song lyrics, “All the girls had long hair, all the boys had long hair, and you were missing out.”  One of the other lines in the song was “Whispering ‘between us girls I don’t think of him that often any more.’” That seemed appropriate in this situation as well.  He hoped that some people were paying attention.

They played two shows in Madrid after Barcelona.  Harry was finding it harder and harder to be around Louis.  He still hadn’t apologized for the twitter fiasco, and Harry shouldn’t have been as surprised as he was.

The morning of the second Madrid show, Harry was surprised to see Jeff calling him before lunch time.  It would be quite late in LA. 

“Hey Jerome!”

“Hershel, baby.  How are you this morning?”  Oh dear.  Jeff was drunk.

“I’m good.  Sounds like you’re doing good, too?” Harry asked.

“I’m doing _really_ good.  Missing you, but what else is new.  I can’t wait until you’re home with me again.  Just a few more days, right?”

“Ten more days, but who’s counting?”

“I know.  But I’ve been thinking about your situation.”

“My situation?”

“Yeah, you know.  With Lunch Bag.”

Harry couldn’t help but laugh.  Jeff knew him too well.  “Okay.  What about Lunch Bag?”

“Remember you asked me a couple of days ago for advice on how to deal with it?  Well, I’ve been thinking it over.  See - there’s a lot of good and bad out there.  I prefer to surround myself with the good because the bad… is more bad.”

Harry started laughing so hard that tears started to come out of his eyes.  Jeff was drunkenly annoyed, “What’s so funny, Hersh?  I’m being serious!”

“I know you are, I know.  Sorry for laughing at you, but you’re just so cute right now.”

“Not cute.  _You’re_ cute.”

 “Seriously, thank you.  I needed that laugh.  And I appreciate the sentiment even if your phrasing was funny.”

“Well at least I’m good for that.”

“You’re good for everything, babe.”

“Hmph.  I just want you home.  Is that too much to ask?”

“No, it’s not.  Soon.  Ten more days.”

“Too long.  Come home now!”  Harry was sure Jeff had no idea how adorable he was being when he was drunk and needy.

“You have no idea how much I wish I could.” Harry replied.

“I know.  I’m just teasing.  But I’m pretty drunk and I’m going to bed now, okay?”

“Sweet dreams.  Think of me.”

“If I think of you, I won’t be falling asleep for a looooooooong time.”

Harry adored this man.  “Miss you, Jerome.”

“Miss you, too.  Take care of you first, okay?”

“Yes.  And take care of you, too.”

 

X-X

 

The final European show was in Portugal.  Harry was so relieved that this leg was going to be over, even if he couldn’t go to LA for a few more days.  It was worth it to be able to spend some time with Jeff again.

Louis and Eleanor were spending a few extra days in Portugal after the show.  Harry was relieved that they were going to be in different countries for a little while.  Unfortunately, the Paige stunt started the morning he got back to London.  She had taken pictures of herself in his clothes, and Cal made sure that an update account got a picture of him in the jacket just in case the fans didn’t make the connection.  It was all so humiliating, but he was obligated to have these “relationships” for the sake of PR.  Besides, if anyone was going to be hated on for being Harry Styles’ Girlfriend, it might as well be Paige.  She didn’t mind, and he didn’t want anyone else to have to put up with the rabid fans.  He loved his sane fans, but some were just too over the top.

So Harry spent the next few days being seen out and about and taking pictures with fans.  Jay and Dan’s wedding was only a few days away, and his plane ticket was booked to go home for Monday morning.  He spent time with Gemma and his family, and they were all very supportive.  He almost wished he hadn’t agreed to go to the wedding, because he could be home by now.  But with Niall, Liam, and Zayn attending, as well as many members of their team, he couldn’t skip out now.

 

X-X

 

Jeff could hear the crowd in the background.  He knew Harry was obligated to attend the function that night.  He also knew how much Harry was dreading it, because it was being done to keep up the Paige storyline.  They had worked out a system for when Harry was in public and didn’t want to be overheard.

“Hey, Hersh.  How are you doing?”

“I’m fine.”  Fine meant not good at all.

“It’s just for one night, and you don’t actually need to be seen anywhere near her.  The tabs will make up the rest.”

“I know.  It’s just the other thing, too.”

Jeff knew exactly what Harry was referring to.  It made him irrationally angry to think of Harry at Louis’ mother’s wedding, especially after the last few weeks.  But he couldn’t deny that Harry was right.  With so many other people going, his absence would be noted, and might overshadow the day with unnecessary drama.  Jeff knew that Harry was only going because he felt like he had to, but it still hurt to think of how many stories they were going to have to hear about how Harry was going home with Louis.  But he reminded himself that these were things he was willing to accept if it meant that he got to have Harry in his life.

“You’re a good person, Harry.”

“I don’t feel like it right now.”

“I know.  But it’s only a few more days and then I’ll have you back.”

“Yeah.  It’s been a long time.”  Jeff could hear the longing in Harry’s voice.

“I miss you, Harry.  I can’t wait to have you home with me.  I know you’re working and that’s great, but I still want you here.”

“Yeah.”  Harry still sounded sad.

“Is there anything I can do to cheer you up?”

Harry thought for a moment.  “Tell me this is all worth it.”

“Oh, Hersh.  It’s so worth it.  Tonight will make the het fans happy, the wedding will make the Larry fans happy, and you coming home will make _me_ happy!”

That thought made Harry happy, too.  “Yeah?  How happy?”

“You have no idea.  I’m going to pick you up at the airport when you get here.  Maybe we’ll swing by my office before going home.  There’s things I’ve wanted to do to you in that office, and now seems like a good time.”

That got a laugh out of Harry.  “I can’t wait.”

“Let me know when you get home tonight?”

“Of course.  Have a good day, Jer.”

“You too, Hersh.  Take care of you first, okay?”

Harry loved how that was Jeff’s standard good bye now.  It was always a good reminder. 

“Of course.  I miss you.  Can’t wait to see you.”

“Me, too, Hersh.  Me, too.  Bye.”

 

X-X

 

The wedding was really stressful for Harry.  It was awkward being around Louis’ family.  Only a few knew that they had been together in the first place, so no one really knew that there was tension between them now.  Zayn and Perry didn’t show up, so Harry _could_ have also skipped out, but it was too late now.  Seeing Eleanor as the Maid of Honour was another blow to his heart.  He knew that even if he and Louis were still together, he would never have been allowed to be such an integral part of the day.

The wedding ceremony was lovely, if a bit over the top.  They all congregated outside the tent before the reception was to start.  They knew there were paps taking pictures of everything, but this was just part of Jay’s promo deal.  Harry tried to look happy, he really did, but it was tough. 

Harry was also uncomfortable with all of the people asking him to take pictures.  But he couldn’t think of a reason to respectfully decline.  Even Jay was dragging him around the party to introduce him to their guests, so maybe he was the only one who thought it was strange.

Lou T noticed his discomfort.

“Harry, are you okay?”

“Yeah.  It’s just tough you know, Lou?  I thought I was going to be a part of this family… but now it’s clear that I never was.”

Lou gave him a tight smile.  She understood better than anyone else what he’d been through in the last year.  “Fuck them all, Harry.  You’re too good of a person.”

Strangely, that made him feel slightly better.  She continued, “We’ll get through this together and then you’ll be on a plane to see that gorgeous beau of yours, right?”

“Yeah.”  Harry smiled.  Thinking of where he would be at that same time the next day helped a lot.

“Tell me more about him?”

“We haven’t got all night, Lou.”  Harry blushed.

She laughed, glad that her friend was looking happier than he had all day.

That was the turning point for him for the day.  He even managed to enjoy himself for the rest of the reception.  Of course, knowing that his flight was leaving in just a few hours was a huge help.  He also managed to go the whole day without having to talk to Louis.

He couldn’t stop smiling as he drove home that evening.

 

X-X

 

It had been such a long couple of weeks, but Harry sighed in pleasure in his seat on the airplane.  The tight knot that had been around his heart was starting to loosen, and he was too happy to even try to sleep.  His thoughts were consumed with Jeff.

Thinking of being with Jeff was like sunshine after the rain.  He was Harry’s safe place to fall, and after years in the closet, he was like a breath of fresh air.  He was supportive, kind, generous, and clever.  Harry loved how he felt when he was with him.  And after traveling the whole world, there was nowhere else he would rather be than wherever Jeff was.  He craved that feeling of safety and security that he got from being in Jeff’s house.  No, not _Jeff’s_ house, it was _their_ home now.

Home.  Harry was going home.


	15. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Sweet to the soul, health to the bones.”

Harry woke up to the sound of the wind in the trees, birds twittering, and Jeff’s muffled voice on the balcony. He’d slept so well the night before that he was a little disoriented, so he spent a few moments trying to get his bearings. Right – he was in Idaho at the Azoff family vacation “cabin” and Jeff was there, too. He had several more days left in paradise before he was due back on tour.

Instead of jumping out of bed immediately as he usually did, he lay on his back, sprawled on the sheets that he and Jeff had been sharing. He couldn’t wipe the smile off his face as he thought again about how happy he was that Cal had talked him into meeting with the Azoffs a year ago.

Had there really been a time when he couldn’t sleep through the night? It felt like a hundred years ago now. He had Jeff to thank for fixing that as well. And Jeff hadn’t even really _done_ anything – he was just there when Harry needed him. Feeling safe was all Harry had needed to be able to sleep.

He heard Jeff’s voice get a little louder on the balcony and he smiled as he rolled over to watch him. Jeff was in Harry’s shorts and was pacing as he spoke to someone on his cell.

Harry got out of bed to use the washroom, and he grabbed Jeff’s shorts on his way back. He pulled them on as he got to the sliding door. Jeff hadn’t completely closed it, so Harry quietly slid it open and leaned against the door frame. Jeff turned in his pacing and grinned as he saw Harry there. He mouthed “Morning!” and went back to listening to his phone. He motioned for Harry to come closer as he turned at the railing and looked out over the lake.

Harry wasn’t content to just watch him anymore, so he padded out onto the cool deck at the invitation.

“Yeah, I’m still away for the next few days. Can we talk about it more when I get back to the city?”

Harry stood behind him and wrapped his arms around Jeff as he placed his chin on the dip between Jeff’s neck and shoulder. He could almost hear the other person on the phone.

“Yes, definitely. Talk to you later.” Jeff finished as he hung up. He tossed his phone onto a nearby table and sighed in enjoyment.

Harry moved his hands so that they rested on the railing and nuzzled Jeff’s neck. “Good morning, Jerome,” he whispered in his ear as he placed a kiss on his cheek.

“Good morning to you, too.” Jeff arched back into Harry, and even after getting off three times the night before, Harry’s cock still twitched at the simple movement.

“Mmmm… _very_ good morning!” Jeff had noticed the twitch and rubbed himself even harder against Harry’s groin.

“Not here, love. There may be children around!” Harry pretended to be scandalized.

Jeff turned in his arms, and captured Harry’s mouth in a lazy kiss. “Maybe one day _our_ kids will be playing out here?”

A wave of longing hit Harry. He would love nothing more than the thought of their own little cherubs racing together over the green grass, swimming in the nearby lake, or cuddled up with them by the fire. He wanted that very much.

“Don’t tease me like that, Jeff.” Harry was all seriousness now.

“Who’s teasing?” Jeff replied in the same tone.

It was all too much for Harry. He leaned into Jeff, pushing him back against the low wall of the balcony and kissed him with all of the emotions he was feeling. When he pulled away, they were both flushed and panting.

“Bed?” Harry managed to get out.

“Bed.”

 

X-X

 

“Nice to see you two up and about before noon.” Irving teased when they went down for brunch.

“Hey! We’re on vacation, dad.” Jeff replied with affection.

Harry blushed. He still wasn’t used to the easy way the Azoffs accepted him as part of their family. But he wasn’t planning on leaving any time soon, so he decided he just had to get used to it.

He plated himself some food and went to sit down with Irving and Shelli. They had already finished eating, so Irving filled them in on the LA gossip while Harry and Jeff ate.

“Jeffrey, will you help me clean up?” Shelli asked. The two went to take the dishes to the kitchen.

Harry caught Irving watching him, a fond, knowing look on his face. Something occurred to Harry.

“When did you know that we would be good together?” Harry asked him.

Irving smiled. Harry wasn’t sure he was going to get an answer when Jeff’s father finally replied, “Harry. When Cal told me that he had a friend who needed some help, I got curious. I did a fairly extensive background check on you – where you came from, your family, your values. I was pleasantly surprised to find that you were not like most pop stars that I’ve worked with. Trust me – I have seen my fair share of spoiled, entitled entertainers. No matter how humble they start out, the fame monster gets them eventually. But not you; you take the time to make sure your fans have a good experience. You make yourself available to them. You are kind and polite even to people who don’t deserve it. I thought for sure that you had to be too good to be true.

“Of course, you can’t go far into investigating Harry Styles without seeing the gay rumours. I was completely convinced you were in a relationship with Louis after watching just a few videos. I hoped that there was some way I could help you with your closeting, because I had watched Jeff struggle for years before he began to accept himself.

“See, I’ve known Jeff wasn’t completely straight for probably longer than even he knew it. You don’t get to be where I’m at in this industry without being able to read people well. He’s had girlfriends and serious relationships, but I honestly never thought any of them were good enough for him anyway.

“Then you came to our house, all lanky and hipsterish and polite. I know my son, and I immediately saw that he was intrigued by you. In case you haven’t noticed, Jeff is very good at working a room. But he was tongue-tied around you as soon as you walked in our door. Call me old-fashioned, but I really wanted to play cupid. I was hoping that my instincts were right about you, that you would be good enough for him and would appreciate him for the wonderful soul that he is.

“So seeing how happy you two are here now, I’m feeling more than just a little smug, to be honest.” His eyes actually twinkled as he smiled at Harry.

Harry could feel that his mouth was open. He wasn’t even sure how to respond. “Um, well, thank you for the compliment? Sir, he really is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I love him very much.”

“Yes, Harry. I can see that. We all love you, too, and are happy to have you as part of our family.”

Harry felt the happy tears well up inside of him as he leaned over to give Irving a hug.

Jeff came back into the room. He laughed and said, “What did you do, dad?”

“Nothing. Just gave Harry our blessing, that’s all. We want him to be a permanent part of our family.”

“I thought I was supposed to be the one to ask him to spend his life with me?” Jeff grinned like an idiot.

“Nonsense. If I left it up to you I’d be waiting _forever_ to get grand-babies from you two!” Harry kissed Irving on the cheek and earned a rare blush from the man.

Jeff rolled his eyes. “Come on, Harry. I think the kids want to play soccer with you.”

“What’s this soccer? I only know football.” Harry teased as they left the cabin together. Cabin was a misleading term for the building; it was larger than the house that Harry had grown up in.

They walked down to the beach in companionable silence for a while until Jeff said, “Ummm… that wasn’t a proposal by the way.”

Harry’s heart dropped a little. He knew it was just teasing, but the thought of it had still made him happy.

Jeff noticed the look on his face. “Oh, honey, no! That’s not what I meant. Just that when I ask you to marry me, it won’t be through my dad.” He blushed and looked a little shy.

Harry pulled him in for a hug. Not ‘if’ he asked him to marry him, but ‘when’. Harry could wait.

He pulled back and playfully said, “Do you think we could have the wedding here?”

Jeff laughed and said, “Anything you want, Hersh. As long as it makes you happy.”

Harry knew that with Jeff he _was_ happy.

Really, really happy.


End file.
